Child’s father threatening court for custody

[Wednesdaymornings]

Hi all, am in a bit of a panic as my child’s father called me out of the blue to tell me he will be taking me to court for custody arrangements.

Reason being is that he can’t trust me apparently. Didn’t elaborate on what that meant and I have never stopped him from seeing our son. We broke up a year ago and ever since he has been horrible to me and very inconsistent with contact.

Our child is only 2 years old and barely has any relationship with him so if he does go to the courts it’s unlikely he will get 50/50 right?
Id also like to know roughly what age they would grant 50/50 if after some time he was consistent with contact,

I’m in two minds as to whether I think he acc is telling the truth or just trying to scare me, his actions over the past year have showed me he doesn’t give 2 shits about our child since he can’t have me. He didn’t even get him a Christmas present! And now he wants custody. Do me a favour! He’s a very spiteful man tho and quite unpredictable, so a part of me is nervous he’s being for real and I’d just like to get ahead of my self and here others experience with this.

thanks

Thank you for the advice everyone. Re the fake positive reaction I feel like I’ve shot myself in the foot with my immediate reaction to it, I basically laughed and said how ridiculous he was being. I’m regretting this now as I should’ve been more smart about it.

He last saw our son on Jan 14th, didn’t see him for 6 weeks just before Christmas either as he was ‘on holiday.’ Hes never had him over night. We also live over an hour away from each other so not sure how this would work re nursery. He basically is using the fact that he’s suddenly not sure if our son is his, which he brought up for the first time when we broke up last spring/summer. But we’ve only just sorted the DNA test, thanks to him delaying it for so long.
he’s already told me that he’s planning on letting our son stay with his family, who our son has never met. Oh and he’s dead set on getting him circumcised which is another concern.

all in all it would be a nightmare because we’re very different with parenting styles. I appreciate my son will benefit from a relationship with his dad hence why I’ve never said no to him seeing him, but I don’t really trust him at the same time as I don’t think his intentions are pure and he’s just using an innocent child to get to me.

It's very much a "threat" in this scenario and in most others in which I have experienced. It's not about a co parenting relationship or about the child's best interests. In this case the guy has barely seen his child - why would he want 50/50? To reduce the child's contact with their mother and reduce CMS as she's opened a case.

Make sure she also proves to him what she has at her home yeah? And a father doesnt need to prove anything to the mother when the child is with him the child is his responsibility. He only may have to provr amything to the courts not to the mother.

A Child Arrangement Order might not be a bad thing. You can things written like you don’t need his permission for holidays or have Mother’s Day protected

Yes I definitely feel like this is what it is. I would even be happy to close the case once the test is done and not take his money over him using our child so he doesn’t have to pay money and to hurt me.

Any father who wants 50/50 is not a threat it is only right all parentd should have 50/50 with there children why should a mother have more contact then a father its because of women who think they should have more contact that there is so many people in family court

Everything is based on the child's best interests and no harm is to come to the child.
So, keep all evidence, back up all messages, calls etc. Log all details of all arrangements. SAVE it ALL.
Inconsistent previous/current arrangement, was overnight or alternating weekends suggested to him?
Any respectful arrangements that works for both of you benefits the child.
If he has any concerns, he's to discuss with you respectfully and should not impact his access to the child.

The Grey Rock Method is good.

Staying with people a child has never met is reckless. Introduce the child for a period of time so that you and the child are comfortable and his family are to be trusted. Any discussions around circumcision and access is to be discussed and agreed respectfully between both of you. If you are unsure seek medical advice, if you choose for your child not to have it, that's okay.

If you want an arrangement now, put it in writing to him and save it. Say nothing to him. I would allow him to continue with the C100 you can address all your concerns.

@Kennsz Most men don’t want 50/50. They don’t want the hassle. My DD is a family barrister and most men prefer the fairly standard 5/14 nights. It’s often said men deserve this and that but it’s what the child deserves that matters. Not a man.

Do you really think women should be grateful to men for allowing them to have dc and then pissing off? In this case barely seeing the child before wanting to take him for extended periods. It’s basically about him not wanting to pay. He thinks 50/50 will save him money but men like this don’t step up to 50/50 with a 2 year old because it’s way too disruptive to their lives. Hence the 5/14 nights is far more common in real life. Not the fantasy world of men posting on here.

At least the CMS claim will be backdated til the first time you applied

Yes, something is better than nothing. Is he working?
He's has responsibilities to his child, he know's what they are. You are not his parent so you don't chase him, remind him of anything!
If he comes with accusation's let him...keep a record of it.
Is he on the child's birth certificate? If not then you don't need to answer to him.
I would suggest you seek legal advice and allow him the process of the DNA and the Child Arrangement's Order. The quicker these issues are addressed and an arrangement is made the better for the child and yourselves as parent's.

Oh, you're one of those! There are lots of good dads, who do the best for their children even after separation and divorce but there are also loads of absolute dickheads like OP's ex-partner. OP's ex only wants 'custody' because she has applied for maintenance and like many absent fathers, he only wants 50/50 as he doesn't want to pay maintenance.

OP has said:

'He last saw our son on Jan 14th, didn’t see him for 6 weeks just before Christmas either as he was ‘on holiday.’ Hes never had him over night.'

If you think that he sounds like a good father, you are as bad as him. Your illiterate rant about evil women keeping their kids away from their doting dads doesn't show you in a good light anyway.

You’ve had some great advice with regard to contact and court so I can’t really offer any other advice there but you need to apply for a prohibited steps order as soon as possible to make sure that he can’t have him circumcised against your will. He will struggle to find any doctor to do it without a medical reason even privately fortunately. You need to get in touch with a solicitor and raise this as a concern ASAP and apply as soon as possible for the prohibited steps as it can take some time. You need to inform your doctors that any request to change his GP practice details are to be immediately alerted to you first also and that you have no plans to change surgery or address. Also if he is not on the birth certificate I would apply for a passport before he put on there so that you can keep it with you to stop him from absconding abroad with him.

Good luck OP.

Most men do not want the responsibility! They know their responsibilities! They choose their behaviour's. There is a percentage of men that apply to the courts that are exactly that...abusive...women are getting smart now and can call these men out in court. I am not denying there are plenty good parents or co-parenting families out there which is fantastic for all involved. There is a problem with men that they enjoy the mother's suffering, this impacts the child. Women have received so much abuse that these men always deny, keeping up with their imagery. Women will share their stories and each of us will help each other out and offer support where we can. A parent knows their responsibilities so when their not doing that again the child suffers. Remain child focused.

But is he a responsible father? Would he neglect to buy your DC a Xmas gift like OP's exh? It must be tough though.

@Kennsz Most men say they want 50/50 because it is a route to avoiding payments. When reality hits, don’t do nursery or take dc to doctors. They like a drink on a Friday after work and many cannot be at home sufficiently either. They have no intention of working part time and don’t to pay for or organise child care. So the majority of agreements are not 50/50 because they don’t work for the child and men don’t do what they should do: eg washing clothes, homework, general care and really want parenting “lite”. They just want to do fun stuff. Occasionally in many cases.

People like you also want “their share” of the child they have generously helped to conceive - like ownership. It’s nothing to do with what’s best for the child - it’s all about what you perceive to be yours and control through money.

You need to go to court to prevent your exh from mutilating your DS and leaving him with strangers.

Does he currently have parental responsibilities?

In the UK both parents (with full parental responsibilities) need to consent to a non-medical surgical procedure. If you have reason to believe that he will be able to find someone to carry out the procedure without your consent then you need to speak to a solicitor about asking a court to issue a Prohibited Steps Order.

As for his mum having the child - keep the messages to show the court that he doesn't intend the contact for himself.

Very similar scenario here OP.

I was also originally offering contact but Dad wasn't being consistent, going long periods without seeing our DC or just when it suited him.

When I asked for more consistency he did the "Fine I will take you to court for 50/50 and you'll get no money" thing. Typical.

My approach was to be totally non emotional about it.

"Thank you for letting me know, I will await contact from your solicitor".

I did the grey rock method on any other contact where he has tried to provoke a reaction.

As it stands it's been 6 months and I've had nothing from a solicitor... ex also hasn't bothered to see DC in this time.

I'm still prepared to receive something, but it is what it is, if he was that bothered he would have done it ASAP as I would have, money no issue btw.

I spoke to a family solicitor as well so I'll tell you what they said as my ex also lives an hour away.

50/50 could be possible, but as his contact is inconsistent it would have to be progressed to that.

The fact that he is over an hour away would also make 50/50 less likely (he moved in my case) because it's not practical when DC is in nursery. Even though nursery I suppose it's technically "optional" the court will look to the near future which is school.

If ex were to ask to have DC every weekend and school holidays say to try and get 50% or close to over the year without the schooling issue, it wouldn't be fair on me due to no quality time with our child as I would have them all in working days. So an unlikely outcome.

The only scenario where it would be likely my ex would have 50/50 I was told was if he moved close enough to make school and nursery runs reasonable.

Of course a solicitor can't say exactly what a court will do, but this was their take on the possible scenarios.

@ma898 That sounds exactly right. 50/50 is pie in the sky in many scenarios. It is precisely why mist agreements are less than this for non resident parent. When dc are older they can miss parties, sports clubs and meeting with friends because dad is taking ownership 1 hour away. It’s not the best in many situations to divide a child like a cake.

My ex said this the whole time. We eventually went to court and has been granted supervised visits due to his past behaviour.

I'd be worried if you let him have your son without a court order he'll cause you stress also make sure it's out of the age range for him to mutilate your child I don't think anyone would do It over a certain age?

It's in response to the maintenance claim you made. With 50/50 he wouldn't have to pay.

Just keep hold of all messages and behave impeccably in your own communication. I can't see him doing this but you don't know for sure.

Don't back down on the CMS claim.

I’d say, great, go ahead and do that. In preparation for court, let’s move all our communication to a court approved parenting app, so we can have everything documented and ready for the day. This will lay a paper trail to document his lack of engagement.

Re: circumcision, I would use the court process to document that this absolutely is not to happen without consent of both parents (as in will not happen because you will not consent). This is to your advantage that this is formalised legally.

This is excellent advice and wording, court approved app all the way and grey rock communication.