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Original poster

So, who's right, my H for hitting my 9yo dd, or the 8 yo she hit?

79 replies

2sugarsagain · 09/05/2008 22:26

He left a whacking huge red mark on her arm. When she'd stopped hitting dd2, she hit H. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 09/05/2008 23:04

Don't just 'suggest' things, or talk about them, or worry about them , insist on them. Your house, your rules. If he doesn't like it leave. Work out consequences for rules being broken, and stick to these no matter what. No compromise.

Take charge.

LittleBella · 09/05/2008 23:05

Does he understand that 2Sugars?

Original poster
2sugarsagain · 09/05/2008 23:07

He can't leave, I'd have to buy him a house and he would get part custordy.

He has hit me in the past, had two nights' in custordy for doing that.

OP posts:
pinkteddy · 09/05/2008 23:08

why would you have to buy him a house? And think he would be struggling with custody if you can prove the violence.

OverMyDeadBody · 09/05/2008 23:09

Bollox he can't leave. Are you saying you'd stay with him no matter what because he has no where else to go?

Do you want to live with someone because they can't leave?

madamez · 09/05/2008 23:10

Well there's a pretty obvious reason why your DD is hitting her sister, then, isn't there? She's being shown, time and time again, that hitting people smaller and weaker than yourself is the way to behave.
Yes he can leave, 2sugars. No matter whose house it is, he can be removed from it and refused access to it. Immediately. He's violent to the children whose home it is. What are you waiting for? Him to kill one of them? (Oh, and this 'pillar of the community' crap - it's very often the men like this who don't just hit their DDs but rape them too.)

Original poster
2sugarsagain · 09/05/2008 23:12

madamez, I can't leave, it's my house, just wondering if anyone on MN knows how to take this further.

OP posts:
soapbox · 09/05/2008 23:13

He won't get joint custody if he has been abusing the children - take a photograph right now of the mark on DD's arm and keep it somewhere safe.

You will also not have to provide him a house - you may have to pay maintenance to him if you are the higher earner, but dear god, I'd give my entire life savings to protect my children from such an odious influence in their life!

Sanctuary · 09/05/2008 23:13

There is no choice here he has to go.

If he has hit you he is going to carry on hitting your daughter.

Have the school noticed yet?

foxinsocks · 09/05/2008 23:13

It will count against him if he's been violent 2sugars, especially if you've reported him in the past.

Have you called women's aid ever? Or the refuge place?

soapbox · 09/05/2008 23:14

2 sugars - open a new email account and keep it secret! Then CAT Freckle.

pinkteddy · 09/05/2008 23:14

Try CAB? When you say take it further, do you mean legally? Loads of useful info on legal/money threads.

LittleBella · 09/05/2008 23:14

Yes you can call the police and report him for assaulting his dd for a start. That would take it further. Get all these incidences of violence on record.

You obviously can't negotiate with him. It's clear that he believes he has the right to hit smaller, weaker people than him, not just that he snaps in a moment of weakness and feels guilty and ashamed afterwards.

Original poster
2sugarsagain · 09/05/2008 23:15

And the last time the police took him away he kept his keys, and I woke up to him in the house the next morning.

OP posts:
pinkteddy · 09/05/2008 23:15

Get a locksmith and change locks!

foxinsocks · 09/05/2008 23:16

have you told someone else about this in real life? a friend or family member? someone who can help you through this?

soapbox · 09/05/2008 23:16

Sanctuary - there is a choice - there is always a choice. It is making the right one that is difficult

The OP's DH has a choice - he deals with his anger problems (and I would insist on a proper anger management course) or he ships out.

2 sugars could put that choice to him right now if she chooses to.

pinkteddy · 09/05/2008 23:17

good idea of soapbox to take photographic evidence.

OverMyDeadBody · 09/05/2008 23:22

yes take photographic evidence.

What do you want to do 2sugars? Do you want to stay with him? Call the police? What? Because you need to make a decision.

Do you want to live with him the rest of your life?

Original poster
2sugarsagain · 09/05/2008 23:23

Thank you all so much. The trouble is, they LOVE him, big time.

sb, thanks for the advice. I'll do that, though I'm running out of tea-related items to call myself. It's just so sad - they're missing out on their childhood, I'm missing out on them being children.

Am going to get my head down now in preparation for tomorrow's visit to my GP. Thank you all so much - I know it sounds weird, but I can't tell you all how much better you've made me feel

OP posts:
Original poster
2sugarsagain · 09/05/2008 23:25

Photographic evidence would worry my 9yo Soooo much. She'd ask why.

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 09/05/2008 23:26

2sugars he's their dad, of course they love him, but this situation is going to leave them damaged, scarred, insecure and confused and if you love them you won't let that happen to them.

Good luck tomorrow. It might be worth talking to your GP about it while you're there too, they will be able to offer adivce and support.

OverMyDeadBody · 09/05/2008 23:27

Stop putting up obstacles. I'm sure being hit by her dad also worries her. Just say you have to take a photo of it to make sure it doen't happen again.

madamez · 09/05/2008 23:36

The next time he's removed by the police change the locks. Then apply for an injunction barring him from the house because of his violence. Once a person has been removed from the house because of violent behaviour, the person forfeits the right to live in the house and how that person is housed is no longer the problem of the people who have been suffering from that person's violence.
DOn't waste time with counselling: this man thinks he's entitled to hit you and the DC because you are his possessions. He won't change. Get him out.

PinkTulips · 10/05/2008 00:01

children always love their fathers, it's instinct. it doesn't make it safe for them to be around them.

i'm sorry about you're health scare 2sugers, hadn't read that when i posted or i might not have been so snappy.

agree with the others, with a record of violance at best he'd get supervised visitation. you do not sound like you want to be with him, staying because it would upset the kids isn't good enough reason if they are in danger from him, and you and dd1 certainly are in danger.

please call the police, for all your sakes.