So, who's right, my H for hitting my 9yo dd, or the 8 yo she hit?

[2sugarsagain]

He left a whacking huge red mark on her arm. When she'd stopped hitting dd2, she hit H. I just don't know what to do.

pinkteddy, of course not.

oh right! Srry, so it's dd1's hitting that is regular?

Do you think she's lashing out at DD2 because she is gealous of the percieved favouratism?

I thkn your DH needs to spend some serious quality time building up his relationship with DD1 so she feels more secure.

are you drunk ?

this is all very confusing

Right. So dh doesn't hit dd1 very often. But dd1 hits dd2 more often.

And who are you worried about? dd1?

I think all of your family needs to find new ways of dealing with disputes, that don't involve violence. As soon as your DH hits DD1 he is sending the message that hitting is fine, therefore she will not stop hitting DD2 as long as he is hitting her.

I think you all need to sit down and have a family meeting where you all agree to find different ways of dealing with disagreements - and then you need to police the hitting ruthlessly - they lose something very, very valuable if they do so - DH included!

thought you were saying it was a regular occurence that your H hit dd1. Still don't agree with hitting children, especially if its calculated.

Does DH hit you too, by any chance? Or is he only brave enough to hit children?

make a new rule: No one, adult or child, is allowed to hit or be otherwise violent to anyone else, even if they are really angry.

OMDB, I've told him that.
FIS, no, I wish! Actually told him tonight that I was advised to see my GP tomorrow with a breast cancer scare, but that seemed to wash over him. And I'm not the kind of person that wants anyone feeling over those bits at the best of times ....

yeah but if the 9 yr old has got into the habit of solving problems that way, she'll need to learn how not to hit imo. And that is actually quite tricky because hitting is immediate and in many ways, the easy way out.

You can do all sorts of anger stuff with kids that age. Recognising when they are about to tip over and start hitting (ask her how she feels - you get a sort of welling up of emotion inside, like a big ) and then ask her to focus when she gets that feeling and start to try and divert it by maybe going into the garden and kicking a ball or going for a walk or drawing a picture (whatever she finds easiest to get her feelings out).

But obviously, you must get dh along with this too.

please tell me you've ripped his balls off and booted him out of your house?!

oh sorry, you just stand around feeling bad about it all

grow a spine woman. she's you're daughter, it's your duty to protect her, even from her father. of course she hits dd2 if she gets hit herself hard enough to mark.

he needs help for her sake or else he needs to go. simple as that.

FIS, I kind of know that, but if I told her that, she's at the kind of age where she'd tell me to 'get real'.

Sorry but if your H hits your children, then he's teaching them that hitting is OK.

If you want your children not to hit each other so much, then the adults in their lives need to stop hitting them.

Can't see any way round that, really.

So does he acknowledge that there is a problem that needs addressing by him? Or does he just not care?

that he's shown no support for you ewither, is he always like this?

Do you really need to ask that question? ...

lol 2sugars. Sorry to hear about tomorrow - hope all is OK.

Maybe it could be a project that her and dh could do together? That might be nice for both of them. He could admit to her that he needs to get his temper in check and they could both learn together? I don't know what type of man he is. Some would hate that I'm sure but if he's willing to change, it might be a bonding thing for them to do.

Even if they didn't do that but just spent more time together, with each other, on their own?

PT, yes, I have kicked him out of my house before. But it's my house, and they are his children, and no matter what, they love him.

Am sitting here head in hand wondering what to do. They love him, he's a 'Pillar of the community. No excuse for his behaviour, but PLEASE, PT, don't think I haven't thought about this before.

2sugars it sounds like a horrible situation to be in, but you need to be more assertive. If you want change i your family you have to be more assertive in demanding that it happen.

You can't tackle DD's aggressive outbursts with her father hitting her. He needs to lead by example.

OMDB, I suppose that was what I was asking. Where should I go from now, do you think?

2 sugars - thinking about it really isn't enough - you need to act. I know it is difficult, but you cannot allow his behaviour to continue.

Just remember that nothing is ruled out - there is nothing that you cannot do, if you want to protect your children enough!

So what does he say about it?

you've got to tell it to him straight 2 sugars

tell him how concerned you are

are you worried he'd hit you?

Take charge 2sugars

Be assertive, make some new family rules that everyone has to stick to, and make sure they do.

I agree with what everyone has said - if kids are hit they will hit, if kids are regularly screamed at, they will scream and shout. Your DH really needs to understand that.