4 year old keeps asking really upsetting questions about death...anyone else had experience of this??? HELP!!

[becaroo]

My 4 year old ds has started asking about death and what happens when we die.

I do not believe in lying to children and have tried to be honest whilst not too graphic but all I think all have succeeded in doing is confusing him....

I told him that we all die one day and that it normally happens when we are old and worn out. I explained about funerals and people saying goodbye and it being ok to be sad.

Last night he asked me if he died if I would take him floweres! He also says he wants to stay with me and not die I am getting really upset by this - I just dont know what to tell him. I got a book called "Badgers parting gift" but havent read it to him yet as it may just upset him more!

Anyone else been through this? I culd really use some help!

Oh I think it's a phase lots of 4 y-o go through, I know all three of mine did.

Depending on what they said - my line was usually: well lots of different people have different ideas. So some think you go to Heaven, and some think you come back as something else - lots of discussion there - and some think that nothing happens - you have a lovely life and a jolly time, and then it finishes. There's a good Shirley Hughes book about a cat who dies, and v. good on saying we remember what a lovely cat it was and what a nice life he had. Also perhaps the Mog dying one would be good?

I used to be awfully chipper about it all.

100x, I will be using your advice! Thankyou

DS1 was sort of wide-eyed about it, ds2 rather 'macabre' he used to try and swing most conversations round to death and dd positively hysterical. My grandmother died when she was 4 and this fuelled it all rather. She still cries about - oh the drama - even though she hardly knew her!

Hence chipperness.

Also when they say 'I don't waaaant you to dieeee' you say 'Oh well we'll all be so old by then. I won't mind dying because I'll be all old and clapped out and rather tired, and you won't mind VERY much because you'll be older and have lots of different things in your life then.'

ds1: Yes, I will be busy

ds2: I will watch you die.

dd: wail, wail, wail. I'll have six children probably won't I?

lol!!

DD1 (3) got all teary in the car the other day. When I asked her what was wrong she said "will you hold my hand when you die so I can come with you?"

She has two older brothers, so she knows about it. I am bigging up the whole Angels and Heaven thing, she can make her own mind up when she is older.

And I pray she doesn't ask her dad about it. DPs answer wouldn't be quite so fluffy as mine.

Gawd. My youngest brought up this subject a few months back. And when I told him that everybody dies one day when they are very old and their bodies wear out but it won't be for a very very long time, he howled and howled inconsolably for hours because mummy was going to die. It was terrible and I started crying too because when you think about it it is very sad and there is nothing you can do about it. He clung to me as if he'd never let me go. But he seems to assimilated it into his world view and is quite matter-of-fact about it now.

ahundredtimes - I like your approach. Thanks.

oh stop! I'm getting morbid and sad now.

Our cats died and I've explained to them about souls and heaven (as best I can, I'm not a Christian or an absolute believer of any faith, but I do have my beliefs). Sometimes they'll say, "I can't wait to die so I can see cat1 and cat2 again". That breaks my heart as well.

When my grandmother died they were quite matter-of-fact about it. Thats Ok, because we'll see her in heaven was their response.

but I think they all do it. I remember doing it when I was little too.

i think its just a phase that kids go through my dd1 4 was quite obbsessed with death not so long ago and even emptied out her large toy box to lay in because she wanted to know what it was like to be in a coffin!!!

i didnt have the luxery of telling that ppl only die when they old and worn out as one of her school friends died not so long ago and her young cousin recently had cancer and we werent sure if he would make it so i needed to prepare her for the fact that he might die, fortunatly he has now recovered and is doing really well.

i explained to her about souls and that when you die its just your body that dies and your soul goes somewhere very peacefull where you watch over those you love and help keep them safe. i also told her that while most ppl die when they get old sometims ppl even children can die from accidents or illness but that this is very rare and she shouldnt worry too much about it!

she seemed to accept this and doesnt really mention death that much now

thanks so much for all your posts....I thought my ds was really odd to be so woried about it at such an early age, but obviously not!

I ended up in tears the other night after he was in bed because he just clung to me and wanted to know if I would miss him if he died!!!

Will try to be upbeat about it 100x

We had this phase at 4 too. It went on for a few weeks I think. I tried to be realistic as well as upbeat and to say that people are very sad when someone they love dies.

I seem to recall talking a lot about it "only being when you are very very old or very very ill". For a while after that he had the idea that people just pop off when they reach 100 LOL!

He keeps saying he wants to live to 1000!!

Our DD age 5 is talking about death quite a lot at the moment.

She was in bed with us the other morning, and because I was
pretending to be asleep, she stage whispered to DH "I think Mummy has died in her sleep, can I have this bedroom?"

I think that it is a phase that most DCs go through at that age , it is also a subject that a lot of people are very uncomfortable talking about.

My DD went though this too, its hard. I remeber her asking me if I will die and i explain one day, and she started crying, thren i cried
I try to be as honent as possible