A Worrying Trend

[Buzyizzy21]

I am of a certain age where many of my friends have become grandparents in the last few years and I’m appalled.
Several of their daughters seem to think it’s absolutely fine to attempt to emotionally blackmail their parents into behaving a certain way if the poor grandparents wish to carry on seeing their grandchildren.
I have to ask them, who on earth do they think they are? Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and I’m sure as eggs is eggs that these same daughters will make many mistakes along the way too.
I’m genuinely horrified that these young mums and dads think they can treat their parents this way. So upsetting and totally unnecessary. There is no excuse. Ever.

Can you give an example of what you call Nader unreasonable behaviour?

(No idea where Nader came from 😁)

You need to give examples.

Several of their daughters seem to think it’s absolutely fine to attempt to emotionally blackmail their parents into behaving a certain way if the poor grandparents wish to carry on seeing their grandchildren.

This really isnt clear cut. If they grandparents are behaving a certain way that compromises children’s safety or is at odds to the way the mother and father want the child raised then the end result will be them seeing the children less. That seems obvious.
You aren’t owed a relationship with anyone regardless of how you behave.

All sounds a bit goady. What things do you mean?

You need to back that up a bit lot

It sounds like you’re appalled that your friends are grandparents? You have to give some context as to why. Are you all in your forties?? I assume you are talking about parents dumping their children onto their parents to share the childcare without asking? Which I agree, and think is wrong, although there are a lot of pushover grandparents out there. I think this is caused by the way they’ve raised their own children too though so they can’t exactly place all the blame on the children…

Depends on what you mean by "behaviour a certain way". If it's using car seats and not hitting the children, then probably fair enough to make it a condition of seeing the children. If their getting cut off for giving to many biscuits, then that very extreme.

.

The world has moved on in the last 30-40 years. It depends on whether or not the grandparents acknowledge this and listen to the parents wishes. Not all grandparents do of course

One person's healthy boundary is another person's 'emotional blackmail' I guess? 🥱

This is super goady.

I grew up with abusive parents. They still now don't understand or acknowledge the fact it was a pretty fucked up childhood. I now have a DS, and yes I'm absolutely putting restrictions on what they can say/do around DS. If they don't like it, they won't see their grandchild. I don't 'owe them' a grandchild, and I sure as hell will not allow DS to experience the same things I did growing up.

So yes, actually, there are plenty of 'excuses', it's often very 'necessary' and I don't really care if they're upset by it. Yes, I'm sure I'll make my own mistakes with DS, but I will not subject him to things that I KNOW are wrong/incorrect parenting tactics for the sake of keeping the peace!

Another who needs you to give examples.

Making a generalised criticism of all your friends' adult dc, without giving any context or examples is a waste of everyone's time.

This post feels very emotionally charged. Is it really your friends or is it you? if it's you are you really listening and respecting your daughter as an adult and parent? or do you think you know best?

My mum thinks it's fine to completely ignore simple requests that are for the safety of my child 'because she's the grandma' - it's not ok and means she has less and less time with my kids because she refuses to respect my wishes and I simply don't trust her anymore because of that.

Do you mean parents who expect grandparents to respect boundaries, diets, tv time etc? Or parents who try to hit the grandparents up for money using seeing their grandchild as a bargaining tool? What exactly have these daughters done?

No one's owed a grandchild 🤨

Did you have grandparents? I have literally never heard anything so OTT.
Mine had 4 grandparents who all were welcome to see them when they wanted despite any differences between us. No one has the right to stop a grandchild having a relationship.

That’s because the older generation used to have a lot more power and natural authority, which people now quite rightly question.

It’s called seeing how wonderful people are getting hurt. I care about it and it’s ridiculous that any parent thinks they can just withdraw their child. Surely leave it until the child is old enough to make their own mind up. I don’t have any issues, but seeing how distressing my friends and others are is awful, so yes of course I feel strongly.

Did you survive? Yes, so your mum clearly knows what she’s doing. All you’re doing is creating a dreadful situation. I had one friend in tears, sobbing today. And you think it’s right?

Oh but they do have the right. It's called parental right. Not grandparental right.

Parents do have the right to prevent a grandchild looking after or visiting their children if they are behaving in an inappropriate or unsafe way.

Grandparents do not have any rights.

You still haven’t given examples.

The thing is you can get very self obsessed and demanding adult daughters or sons who are themselves now parents. You can also get very self obsessed and demanding grandmothers or grandfathers. Someone is crossing the most basic and respectful of boundaries for that dynamic to break down.

Survival is a very low bar.

One day, maybe, you’ll all be grandparents and just remember that chickens come home to roost.
Like I said, I am so disappointed that you young mums think you know so much better than your own parents and your OH parents.