A Worrying Trend

[Buzyizzy21]

I am of a certain age where many of my friends have become grandparents in the last few years and I’m appalled.
Several of their daughters seem to think it’s absolutely fine to attempt to emotionally blackmail their parents into behaving a certain way if the poor grandparents wish to carry on seeing their grandchildren.
I have to ask them, who on earth do they think they are? Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and I’m sure as eggs is eggs that these same daughters will make many mistakes along the way too.
I’m genuinely horrified that these young mums and dads think they can treat their parents this way. So upsetting and totally unnecessary. There is no excuse. Ever.

She was talking about safety! Keep up.

No one has the right to stop a grandchild having a relationship.

Yes, they absolutely do, the child or the childs parents absolutely have that right. Your 'friends' all have the option to respect the parents wishes and maintain that relationship. If they choose not to it's exactly that, a choice. Especially if it concerns the childs safety.

Your line about how they obviously know what they're doing because they raised their own is survivor bias. Infant mortality continues to decrease because we continue to learn and change how we do things.

Yes, I know. I and I’ll say it again - survival is a very low bar!

Only one set, and they lived 200 miles away.

Bit like PIL, who I’ve had to protect DD from for over a decade. What’s your point?

You know, @Buzyizzy21 , you might get more sympathy on this thread if you were to tell us what you are actually talking about.
What has happened. What the situation is.

I am of an age where many of my friends are grandparents, but, going on your posts so far, I'm erring on the side of your friends' adult dc at the moment.
If you truely believe your friends are blameless and their dc are completely evil, then why aren't you willing to tell the story, so some people can empathise with them ?

I absolutely know better than the narcissitic monster who birthed me.
But hey, thanks for thinking I'm young.
Your disappointment is irrelevant.

Just do what the mother wants, simple. If the grandparents does as the mother asks, everyone is happy. What's the issue?

Would you give some examples please?

I had to tell GPS they couldn't have ds unsupervised because they refused to acknowledge his (diagnosed) food allergy.

I personally tend to let GPS have free rein in behaviour, I don't expect them to impose my screen time limits or no treats etc but I know people who do. I might feel differently if the GPS were regular child care rather than a few hours on a weekend.

If your bar for a good parent is their child merely staying alive then you could do with better standards, and better standards of friends too.
If so many of your friends are stopped from spending time with their grandchildren due to their behaviour then it might be an issue with your circle. It’s by no means common and it’s usually for good reason.

Like I said, I am so disappointed that you young mums think you know so much better than your own parents and your OH parents

Usually a mother will absolutely know her own child better than either set of parents. Why are you assuming they wouldn’t? There’s nothing about being older that means you’re always right, or a nice person.

In a lot of cases they do know better. Research on things like car seat safety and even baby sleeping positions has evolved a lot since a lot of grandparents were bringing up their own children.

Also, grandparents have had their time. It’s up to the parents what they allow with their children (assuming no children are harmed, of course)

But things have changed. I had my child in 1970. Throughout my pregnancy I had a couple of drinks at the weeked, smoked throughout and ate those things pregnant women are encouraged not to eat.

My child turned out ok. Would I encourage any pregnant woman to do those things? Would I hell. I'm not totally crazy.

Science has found ways to make pregnancy safer, and I'm all for it.

Same with things like avoiding sugary food and drinks for little ones.

There's a name for it, I think it's called progress?

Be aware that you only know one side of a story.

I'm sure that when I stopped MIL seeing DD, I was the worst person in the world, I'm sure her and her friends bitched about what an awful person I was. What they didn't see was the way MIL treated DD, she only wanted to see her on her terms, would arrange something with dd and then drop her when someone else came along 'sorry, can't see you this week, been invited to a party, see you in a few months' this is the woman that would drive to our village to see her friend and never let DD know she was about.

Just because she's older than me, it does not mean she's better than me.

OP you haven’t given any examples

Goodness me, so much hatred. Best you get yourself off to therapy.
oh and remember that your children will be able to make their own minds up later so you might come off worse.
When I was consoling this poor person today, I reminded her that in a few years they’ll be old enough to make their own decisions. I wouldn’t want to be in the shoes of any parent who thinks they have the right to stop any grandchild relationship. Karma has a habit of biting back hard. 🤣🤣

@Buzyizzy21 can we have some examples to see if we agree with you or not? Rather than jumping to conclusions because I really don't know how bad we're talking here

If 'surviving' is all that's required then that's a pretty low bar for parenting don't you agree? There are many things I'm doing differently for that exact reason.

I'm sure you're only hearing one side of the story from these people. Parents whose adult children have gone low contact love to blame everyone except themselves. There's always a reason.

Hiw can you expect decent answers without examples? Is it leaving in a hot car, or giving them a fruit pastel before dinner once: context kinda matters!!

@Buzyizzy21 huge sweeping generalisations in your posts and no actual examples so its hard to judge if you are being reasonable or not.

And given some of your comments have been incredibly rude/dismissive - maybe you are best avoided yourself.

I've seen this, basically the GPs looked after the DC, they lived with them but the mother would visit some days when she wasn't doing anything more interesting like sleeping and tv. She would then threaten the GPs to take them away, which basically would mean inept parenting or social services.

The op doesn’t have any examples.

I don’t think the “friends” exist.

Just a bitter person with an axe to grind.

And not just one! “Several” of OP’s friends have been cut off from their grandchildren. Hmm.

I'm a grandparent and I certainly don't believe I'm owed a relationship with my DGC. Hopefully we start with some 'emotional credit' but after that it's a privilege that has to continue to be earned.

So, no examples then? Just vitriol at the parents who have upset your friends, and snarky replies to posters?

OK then….

Care to actually elaborate?