Will social services get back involved.

[Mummyto181]

I have a 9 year old son, I was in a relationship with my ex for 5 years during the relationship arguments were rife, and on a few occasions (when son was a baby) he pushed me, we were on/off over the 5 years really until when my son was 4 weeks had a huge arguement which my neighbours called the police, asked what happened and we said it was a verbal arguement etc etc they said they would have to report to SS because child was present.
SS called me 2 weeks later, I told her we were already spilt and the relationship and arguments were bad, she said in the police report that my ex was demonstrating "unhealthy behaviours" to the police, asked if he was threatening to me, again I repeated that the arguements were awful and I wasn't allowing my child to witness any longer.
She was happy with my approach my ex already had his own home and closed the case within 20 minutes phone call.
We remained spilt up, my son saw dad EOW and over time we built a healthy co parenting relationship (all arrangements were informal) we had an "odd family day out" but I didn't want to as my ex seemed to have other girls on the go and I didn't want to be part of that circus.
Fast forward 5 years and since September we have been getting closer, during this time we have completed a healthy relationship course, parenting triple AAA course and I done the freedom project (all of our own backs, no recommendations from SS) and our son is doing well. I was made homeless last year and my council helped find me a place in Peterborough, I didn't have much choice and I always wanted to move out of London so I took it.
My ex comes to visit once a month for the weekend and I make the journey 2 times a month down to London and my son stays with his dad for the weekend and I see him for one of those weekends as well
We have discussed getting back together and the what's and how's it would work. He doesn't want to move to Peterborough because of his work and we couldn't move to London because my ex has a studio flat (large but not sufficient for 3 people) and not only that - I'm wary of SS getting involved.
I suppose we have both grown up alot, we approach things differently and we are done with how our lives used to be.
Shall should I approach this? My friend said not to bother contacting them as I had no input and the conversation was done in 20 mins while my sister said ring them and ask.
What should I do?

Don't get back with him OP. It would likely turn your healthy coparenting dynamic into a toxic dynamic for your DC. He has been violent to you in the past and when you lived closed he had EOW contact with your DS, so your DS was never his priority.

@PizzaPunk I did tell her (just said this in my post) I told her he pushed me 2/3 years previously and there had been nothing else since. She asked how many times and I told her twice, she asked if why I didn't call the police I told her the pushes were him on the way out the door when he was leaving during an arguement he wanted to leave (as usual) and we were both near the front door and he pushed me to get to the door. She asked where my son was once he was asleep in the bedroom and the other time he was at my sister's. She still closed the case

To add, whilst SS wouldn't get involved at the moment, if he was violent to you again in the future they wouldn't just believe that you have separated like they dod last time and would question your ability to safeguard your child.

@Alalalala he's never hit me, I've never said he has and he hasn't. The 2 pushes were 7/8 years ago we have had many stressful situations, plenty has happened over the last 4+ years including me and my son becoming homeless and my anxiety creeping back in, he's seen it all first hand.
I've never ever been scared of him, during the arguements he would just walk out and go missing for a few days, I've never had to call the police on him.
I'm not defending him here but your putting words into my mouth that are not true at all

I agree with this but I also think OP needs a clear zero tolerance policy so that history doesn’t repeat itself.

@Goodbyevoice this is why we will take it very very slow, the 2 pushes were 7/8 years ago thankfully nothing since and we had plenty of arguements during that time before we spilt.
Like I have said many times, I'm not moving he will not be moving in either.

So you've only been getting close since September but you've completed a healthy relationship course, parenting triple AAA course and done the freedom project?

That's quite a lot in only a few months.

Whose idea was it, yours or his?

I'm just trying to work out what the end game is here, especially as he doesn't want to move to Peterborough with you anyway?

@Goodbyevoice EOW is pretty standard, he couldn't have our son 50/50 it wouldn't have worked he lives in NE London and I was SW London so it wasn't close at all. He never let me down for weekends apart from when he was unwell or our son was unwell (he would spend a day with him in this case) and sometimes would visit mid week once we were civil with each other

And also OP I'm not sure if you're aware, but you've changed on a few occasions (when son was a baby) he pushed me

To 2 pushes.

Which is it?

Yes I agree with this, you’ve not asked for peoples opinions on whether to get back with him or not, you just want to know practicalities,

Social services will not have any interest just based on your own opinion experience. But as PP said, might be worth doing a Claire’s Law request as if things were volatile with you, you might want to check there’s been nothing since with anyone else that you’re not aware of, as if there are any serious concerns, at that point it may be more of an issue to SS. Although only if someone reports you - which they might if people think you’re crazy for getting back with him.

Just be careful and really consider if he has made changes and your not just thinking wishfully

@PizzaPunk no we completed the courses during the 5 years spilt , triple AAA was recommended by the health visitor as our son was on a pathway for ADHD I done healthy relationships myself and he followed a year or so later, freedom off my own back as I wanted to be more sure of any future relationships I had as a single mother.
He doesn't want to move to Peterborough just yet, due to work reasons and to see how we go. I've already said in time he will look for a homeswap and move closer to his son instead of just moving in with us

I think it's a huge gamble to take given the impact it could have on your relationship with your son if things go wrong.

Why risk the healthy dynamic you have now?

So if you’re not moving to London and he’s not moving to Peterborough. Just carry on being co parents. I can’t see any need for anything to change. Your son is 9 he doesn’t need any more upheaval in his life.

@PizzaPunk a few to me is 2 - 2 pushes when my son was a baby so around 7/8 years my son has only turned 9

@Goodbyevoice this is what we have discussed, if it goes wrong we will upset our son, we don't want that but we do have feelings for each other.
We are good at the moment, speak regularly he spends time with our son helps out when he can and keeps to his word.
Carrying on as we are wouldn't be the end of the world but if we could get back together and it works then it would be lovely.

@Heretobenosy yes I will do Clare's law I did think to do that as well. As far as I know he's got nothing on him and his ex GF never disclosed anything to me/nor did my son say anything when he used to be with dad and her.
He hasn't got any previous for violence either, just a driving offence when 21, his mum confirmed that to me when we had the police involved.

It's not just about upsetting your son though. If another argument happened and your son got harmed protecting you, SS will not just take your word that you have separated next time. They wouldn't necessarily see you as able to keep your child safe, given that you returned to your abuser after such a long time.

And does he still have 'other girls on the go'? Or just you?

@Goodbyevoice arguements between us have happened in the 5 years, but we have dealt with them in a completely different way, not in front of our son and not raised voices and no nasty comments to each other, I prefer to call them disagreements - done in a healthy way.
I'm not going to sit here and act like we are perfect but the way we handle things now are very different to what they were when we first got together 10 years ago

@PizzaPunk fuck knows, that's not my business at the moment as we are not in a relationship not have I slept with him.

I honestly feel like your just trying to pick at anything fucking hell
People can change, people can grow up people can stop doing shitty behaviour

That's great, but it is still a gamble. Are you really willing to risk losing custody of your child and risk the stability your child has over someone you may have feelings for?

@Goodbyevoice this is why he doesn't to nor is he going to move into my home early doors he might never move in and just move closer and fuck in 5 more years if we are together and no issues (carrying on as we are) then he might.
There is no rush here like I said if I had said he's moving in asap then there would be huge backlash (understandably) but I think we are trying to do this the right way and exploring options and seeing how we go before committing to anything

I'm really not. I'm just trying to unpack what looks like a very complicated relationship.

And if you two have been getting closer since September and you're looking for any kind of relationship outside of co-parenting, I'd say it is your business.

But ok, I won't ask anything else 🤷‍♂️

I think that people do have the capacity to grow up and change. If you have feelings for each other and he is your son's dad - I can see why you might want to give it another go. However, if you do give things another go and it doesn't work out - for whatever reason - do you think you could get back to the harmonious friendship you have now?
It sounds like it would be a slow process with the job/home/school situation. If you decide to go ahead then I would probably try and keep it from your son that it is anything more than he is used to until you both feel secure in what is going on.

As for social services, can you ring them and ask advice but not give your name? Outline the circumstances and see what they say. If they decide that they would want to be involved that might influence your decision to get together.

Theres millions of men out there, why pick an ex-abuser. Even if you say the abuse wasnt that bad, why on earth would you want to risk it for some feelings. Fair enough hes grown up but you still don't actually spend a lot of time with him. Even from a relationship point of view, only seeing each other at the weekends is very hard work.
Go catch feelings of any other man. You all have a good thing worked out here and your son is happy and content. If you get in another relationship, even if it works out for a while, it will be awful you guys splitting up on everyone.