Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Will social services get back involved.

88 replies

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 09:30

I have a 9 year old son, I was in a relationship with my ex for 5 years during the relationship arguments were rife, and on a few occasions (when son was a baby) he pushed me, we were on/off over the 5 years really until when my son was 4 weeks had a huge arguement which my neighbours called the police, asked what happened and we said it was a verbal arguement etc etc they said they would have to report to SS because child was present.
SS called me 2 weeks later, I told her we were already spilt and the relationship and arguments were bad, she said in the police report that my ex was demonstrating "unhealthy behaviours" to the police, asked if he was threatening to me, again I repeated that the arguements were awful and I wasn't allowing my child to witness any longer.
She was happy with my approach my ex already had his own home and closed the case within 20 minutes phone call.
We remained spilt up, my son saw dad EOW and over time we built a healthy co parenting relationship (all arrangements were informal) we had an "odd family day out" but I didn't want to as my ex seemed to have other girls on the go and I didn't want to be part of that circus.
Fast forward 5 years and since September we have been getting closer, during this time we have completed a healthy relationship course, parenting triple AAA course and I done the freedom project (all of our own backs, no recommendations from SS) and our son is doing well. I was made homeless last year and my council helped find me a place in Peterborough, I didn't have much choice and I always wanted to move out of London so I took it.
My ex comes to visit once a month for the weekend and I make the journey 2 times a month down to London and my son stays with his dad for the weekend and I see him for one of those weekends as well
We have discussed getting back together and the what's and how's it would work. He doesn't want to move to Peterborough because of his work and we couldn't move to London because my ex has a studio flat (large but not sufficient for 3 people) and not only that - I'm wary of SS getting involved.
I suppose we have both grown up alot, we approach things differently and we are done with how our lives used to be.
Shall should I approach this? My friend said not to bother contacting them as I had no input and the conversation was done in 20 mins while my sister said ring them and ask.
What should I do?

OP posts:

Festschriften · 15/01/2025 09:33

Why do you want to get back together with him?

Dror · 15/01/2025 09:36

Surely you don't need to date this man again?

MolluscMonday · 15/01/2025 09:37

Why were you made homeless?
Do you work?
Is your son settled in Peterborough?
What is your support structure?
What is the plan for you and your son’s future security?

SO many more important questions than whether you should open your legs to this man again.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9 year olds Families

Original poster

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 09:40

@MolluscMonday
Section 21 landlord wanted to sell
Yes I work, luckily I work from home
He obviously had to change schools, but he seems settled and has made friends
All my family are in London, I was told if I didn't take the place I would be at risk of making myself intentionally homeless....so apart from me travelling down twice a month it's just me and my son, although I'm starting to make new friends.

OP posts:

Notgivenuphope · 15/01/2025 09:41

I hope so.

Of all the men in the world why do you need to date that one?

Original poster

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 09:42

@Festschriften there was a lot going on back then, which has seemed to have settled and be sustained. We both had to work on ourselves which we have done. I wouldn't consider this unless I was sure changes had been made.

OP posts:

Theemperorsnewshoes · 15/01/2025 09:45

Worth a call for advice.

Original poster

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 09:46

I'd like to add there was no emotional abuse in our relationship, he was good at going out with friends and "disappearing" which caused the arguments. I never felt supported in our relationship or appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 09:53

@Notgivenuphope our relationship wasn't great but as mentioned there was a lot going on back then, I don't regret my son but we had him too soon in our relationship I don't think my ex was ready to be a father, alot of crap happened and I honestly can see the changes in him and he has sustained it for a good few years now, we've become really good friends and have a healthy friendship that has become more so. Never of us planned this, it just happened especially after I had to move out of London.
He's not begging to move into my home we both know we have to go very very slow.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 09:55

@Theemperorsnewshoes my sister said that, but my friend doesn't think it's worth it and might be inviting them in to cause problems (she's very anti SS)
I didn't even get a "case closed letter" when I called to ask for one I was told you didn't even make it past MASH, it was deemed that low level

OP posts:

DragonFly98 · 15/01/2025 09:56

No there is no need to contact SS , sometimes people change and your ex is one of those people. Do t underestimate the benefits of your child growing up living with both biological parents, if there is no abuse that is better for your child.

Notgivenuphope · 15/01/2025 09:58

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 09:53

So stay friends, stay civil, co parent when you can. You don’t need to be in a relationship.

Original poster

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 10:05

@Notgivenuphope no I don't "need to be" but feelings have come back, I don't think I stopped loving him and he said the same.
Staying friends with someone when you have feelings is hard but I'll do it if I have to for my son's sake we have built such a good unit and we have both changed massively over the last 5 years.

OP posts:

404ErrorCode · 15/01/2025 10:10

Let’s hope they are involved.

Don’t let your emotions/feelings cloud your judgement, OP. People with violent tendencies don’t often change. He is in best behaviour right now.

Festschriften · 15/01/2025 10:12

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 09:46

And what would lead you to imagine that this had changed, that the reasons the relationship didn't work first time around will have gone? And even if he were god's gift, what would make you even contemplate re-entering a relationship with someone who is unwilling to move to where you live now, just after you've settled your nine year old in a new place after the big disruption of a move? I moved my almost-eight-year-old to a different country five years ago, and although the move was a good one for all of us, it was difficult for him, so we've resolved to stay living where we are until he goes to university. How are you planning to resolve this without moving your child again if your ex won't move?

Original poster

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 10:26

@Festschriften he is a bricklayer, London is a building site at the moment, he called a few sites in Peterborough and most of the work is in London, not only that he was given a council studio flat years back through succession of tenancy (grandmother) he would be insane to give up a council flat at the moment especially with the majority of his work in London. How we would make it work is continue as we are, he's just over 1.5 hours away.
The issues which led to us not working have settled, he doesn't go out on benders anymore, he was a young immature boy not ready to be a father and not taking the relationship seriously. He has changed massively, as a father and as a person.
It's hard for you to understand this as I can't detail every single thing to show he has changed. I'm not saying he's gods gift, but so we argue the way we used to.....no we don't. I'm not saying we don't have disagreements but do they lead to him storming out the flat and turning his phone off for 2 days while he goes home(used to go to his mum's) no he doesn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 10:27

@404ErrorCode best behaviour for 4+ years - sustained changes!
He ain't that good a liar/able to keep it up for this long

OP posts:

EllenJamesian · 15/01/2025 10:30

The likely answer is no, they won't get involved or be interested, unless he has a significant history of domestic violence in the interim. If he has been reported by other partners or has had any convictions they might. Have you thought about a Clare's Law request?

wheretoyougonow · 15/01/2025 10:36

You say he has changed a lot but you are only physically seeing him 3 times a month and 2 of those you have to travel to him.

The fact you have completed a freedom course after being in a relationship with him should be a huge flag to you.

It's easy to send lovely messages and appear 'changed' for short spaces of time. Very different to a man living with his family 24/7.

UnbeatenMum · 15/01/2025 10:45

I doubt it would come to their attention unless concerns were raised by school/neighbours or anyone else. But it's a bit of a risk because if something did happen that they might feel you had not protected your son and they would be wanting much more involvement next time.

Original poster

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 10:50

@wheretoyougonow I travel to him because that's the only time I get to see my family (parents are elderly) and friends in london. He won't be living with us 24/7 because of the reasons above this may change in time.
Yes, and once I completed it, I could see the abusive traits in a few of the men I dated and binned them off as soon as I saw it.
My ex, I'm not defending him pushing me, he was wrong to do so (this was 7/8 years ago) he's never laid a hand on me since, the police calling was 5 years ago and that was a verbal arguement, police done welfare check and that was it happy with the account we gave.

OP posts:

FerretChops · 15/01/2025 10:50

How old is your son?

My advice would be to hold fire on any reunions until he's an adult - so at least 18.

And bear in mind that people don't change. They just don't. They may tweak facets of their behaviour but we are generally quite 'set' as people so just know that all the old issues from before will probably raise their head again in slightly different ways

FerretChops · 15/01/2025 10:51

Sorry just seen he is 9

I wouldn't

Original poster

Mummyto181 · 15/01/2025 10:53

@EllenJamesian thank you. He was with his ex GF for just over a year I met her and as far as I know all was ok in relationship and my son never told me anything he had seen or heard when with them both.
He's got a driving offence from 21 years old and that's his only conviction but I'll do a clares law that check.

OP posts:

HPandthelastwish · 15/01/2025 10:56

It sounds like you've made your mind up already.

However, very rarely do these things last. He may well be able to have a happy and successful relationship with a brand new partner with no shared history. With you, things will slip and go back to how they were. This is not ok, it is not normal to need SS intervention or the concerning Police feedback you received. He needs a fresh start with a fresh partner as do you.

Flip

1 2 3 4