Will social services get back involved.

[Mummyto181]

I have a 9 year old son, I was in a relationship with my ex for 5 years during the relationship arguments were rife, and on a few occasions (when son was a baby) he pushed me, we were on/off over the 5 years really until when my son was 4 weeks had a huge arguement which my neighbours called the police, asked what happened and we said it was a verbal arguement etc etc they said they would have to report to SS because child was present.
SS called me 2 weeks later, I told her we were already spilt and the relationship and arguments were bad, she said in the police report that my ex was demonstrating "unhealthy behaviours" to the police, asked if he was threatening to me, again I repeated that the arguements were awful and I wasn't allowing my child to witness any longer.
She was happy with my approach my ex already had his own home and closed the case within 20 minutes phone call.
We remained spilt up, my son saw dad EOW and over time we built a healthy co parenting relationship (all arrangements were informal) we had an "odd family day out" but I didn't want to as my ex seemed to have other girls on the go and I didn't want to be part of that circus.
Fast forward 5 years and since September we have been getting closer, during this time we have completed a healthy relationship course, parenting triple AAA course and I done the freedom project (all of our own backs, no recommendations from SS) and our son is doing well. I was made homeless last year and my council helped find me a place in Peterborough, I didn't have much choice and I always wanted to move out of London so I took it.
My ex comes to visit once a month for the weekend and I make the journey 2 times a month down to London and my son stays with his dad for the weekend and I see him for one of those weekends as well
We have discussed getting back together and the what's and how's it would work. He doesn't want to move to Peterborough because of his work and we couldn't move to London because my ex has a studio flat (large but not sufficient for 3 people) and not only that - I'm wary of SS getting involved.
I suppose we have both grown up alot, we approach things differently and we are done with how our lives used to be.
Shall should I approach this? My friend said not to bother contacting them as I had no input and the conversation was done in 20 mins while my sister said ring them and ask.
What should I do?

@UnbeatenMum yes I did think that as well. We have had disagreements but we handle things differently. Tbh I think the police coming to my door scared us both and was a good wake up call, something we both don't want to happen again.
We are good at the moment, a really good friendship and our son is happy no concerns at school whatsoever.

Brick layers, like plumbing, electricians and carpenters will find work anywhere. He can most definetly work in Peterborough doing that.

@Stressed199401 yes he could at a much lower rate than what he earns in London and not only that he would have to give up his council home in london.
We both don't want the rush into anything, fuck I haven't even slept with him so him moving in right now isn't an option nor does he want to.

But surely it's irrelevant whether he's changed if he won't move to Peterborough? You're not going to move your child again for the sake of reigniting a relationship?

Op are you already back with him, sleeping with him, as it does sound like your3 desperate to go ahead and feeling loved up,trying to defend it.

I agree it would be a lower rate but so would the living costs. I'm not saying he should it just isn't inpossible

@Festschriften no I'm not moving again, we are settled and he has said do not move. If anything if could use homeswap and move closer to Peterborough (in time)
If I had said he's moving back in, people would go mad and call me insane and suggest he moves closer and take it at a slower pace.
I have not slept with him at all, we have simply discussed our feelings and said we would like to give it another go considering the changes we have both made and how well changes have been sustained

@Onceachunkymonkey I have already said in posts above that I have not slept with him, we have simply discussed our feelings for one another and stated we would like to give it another go. I'm not "desperate" again I have said if I have to stay friends with him and carry on as we are then we will for our son's sake. Our son is happy and enjoys our odd family day out together. Would it be nice to give it another go, yes it would and I'm simply defending myself as if I had said he's moving back in asap I'd be slandered

@Stressed199401 another option would be him using homeswap and moving closer to Peterborough while he could commute back to London or find a job in-between but this is all in time, there is literally no rush for us

You are looking at this through rose tinted glasses. everything seems nice and cute because you are not actually in a relationship you are seeing him for micro moments one is best behaviour.

You have a life and home you can afford in Peterborough, why potentially upend what you have and your sons life for someone where it got so bd police and SS were called.

its silly.

if you are determined to do ahead, don't move, don't risk your home, dont destabilise your son. You can have a nice life in Peterborough don't let him risk it.

How old were you when first together and how old are you now? Some people do change quite a bit from their early 20s to their 30s.
Do you need to live together though? Could you try dating for a good few years before thinking about him moving back in with you?
You do seem to be minimising his behaviour at the time even though it was serious enough for SS involvement.

No, just physical absue.

There is a lot of research into if abusers can change. The good news is a few who work really hard at it can change but never with the same partner they abused.

OK, that sounds sensible. I was just coming at it from the POV of moving a child repeatedly (as my own son found a single move at around the same age challenging) and not making yourself vulnerable in terms of housing. Be cautious. Good luck with it all.

I called the police on my ex as we use to argue a lot and one time we was arguing and he wouldn’t leave so I called the police. Anyway Ss were immediately called and I had to have a sw visit but the case was quickly closed when I explained that we had broken up and it was over. However we got back together a year later even had more children and no Ss never became involved again, ignore pp and don’t call them for advice! That’s just silly, they won’t get back involved and don’t flag yourself up to them there is no need.

@beAsensible1 I'm not moving anywhere I have said this many times, my son is settled and I don't want to move again
Yes the arguements were bad, the police knocking on the door was a massive wake up call to us both that's why we spilt for good.
I really believe he has changed, and I was no angel but the changes we've made and kept at for 4+ years shows people can change

Men don’t change that much. I would say dont get back with a man who has a history of violence. Also getting back together rarely works.
also all your responses to posters are defending him. If you’ve made up your mind on someone who was violent to you when your son was a baby why bother even making this post? You just want validation of your bad choice imo

@Startinganew32 yes early 20's now both in 30's his behaviour was fucking awful just going missing and after nights out (mainly at his friend's house) I'm not minising at all that's why when the police came and SS (we didn't make it past MASH assessment) we ended it - massive wake up call and it was needed.
No we won't be living together, carrying on as we are and he will look for a homeswap option so he can be closer to his son and maybe in time he will move in maybe he won't theres no rush here.

@sky1267 the 2 pushes were 7/8 years ago never put a hand on me since.
I'm not defending him at all, simply sharing my story

He hasn’t laid a hand on you since because you haven’t been in a stressful situation inside a relationship set up.

He physically abused you.

Just wait until there’s another really stressful argument between you (and it will happen). You’ll feel scared. Scared he’ll hit you again. And maybe your child will see it. And maybe your child will get pushed too.

Okay. I can’t see SS being interested unless there is another incident. I do know plenty of people who have cleaned up their act and grown up a lot since their early 20s to be fair.

@Strawbzz thank you, our arguements were bad he used to walk out during most of them as he couldn't be bothered and that just annoyed me more.
Both of us have changed and demonstrated this with how we handle disagreements now. We never made it past the MASH assessment and she was aware of the pushes 2/3 years previously she was happy to close the case. My friend has advised the same thing as you and to carry on as we are and see how it goes and we've had no issues in the 4+ years.
Thank you again

But surely it was deemed low level because you didn't tell them he'd been violent towards you a few times??

@Startinganew32 thank you - taking it very slowly the last thing we wont to do is upset our son, he is very happy at the moment.
We've simply discussed our feelings and said it would be great to be a family again.
The "friends" he used to be friends with, he no longer has contact with nor does he want to live that life - work, gym and home that's his life now unless it's with our son.

Have you done a Clare's law application?
OP no social services won't get involved just because you get back together, but if he assaults you then the history will be taken into consideration.
Given you both have secure housing a long way from each other you aren't able to get back together properly and this does reduce the risk. I would very much consider whether this relationship has a viable future though. Imagine the fallout if you do get back together and break up - how it would affect your son.

Sorry, X posted.

So they were aware of the violence and still closed the case after a 20 minute phone call?

Either way, all that is by the by.

There's no way you two should be getting together. Your child is happy and settled, so move on and let him enjoy the rest of his childhood without all this stress and worry.