Daughter left out because mums don’t like me

[greyeyedgirl]

My daughter is in year 7. She’s just seen on social media that most of the girls in the year have been to a sleepover together and she’s not been invited. She’s heart broken. I can’t tell her the reason is that when she was in year 3 one of the mums took a dislike to me and has systematically turned many other mums at the school against me with untrue rumours. She is a proper queen bee. So I was excluded from the friendship group of mums which I feel sad about but have other friends. Consequently the girls are always on day trips out in the holidays, play dates, Share after school clubs go on holiday together and are tight. I thought in seniors this would matter less as kids choose their own friends which are not driven by parents friend choices. But it doesn’t seem to be the case it’s awful to see myDD left out because of my friendship dynamics. Any advice ?

These girls aren't her friends. She needs to make new ones

Same happened to me op, except it was reception and I have a ds...

How big is her school? In my kids school there must be over 100 girls in year 7, they can’t all have been invited to a sleepover?

If this were me and my dd I would consider her old enough now to know the real reason. This will help her to navigate things. And be more useful than thinking it is something she has done. Learning that some people are horrible for no reason other than they can be is an important life lesson.

My dd actually had to learn that lesson when she was in year 1. At the time I described it as friends at school and playdate friends. Some friends at school she had as playdate friends. A couple of playdate friends didn’t go to her school.

It really is possible to tell your dd what was said / happened in a non-judgmental, tween friendly way.

OK, good, someone had to ask!

Is she actually friends with these girls?

It seems odd that there is no talk at school about the sleepover.

Is it not just a case of your daughter tags along with these girls at school but isn't really good friends with them?

Why did the other mum take exception to you? Why did you not sort it out when it happened?

Your daughter needs to be told that the group of girls that had the sleepover are not her friends and she needs to make friends with other girls.

Have you arranged any get togethers?

In my dd’s school there are no girls in Y7, 3 in Y6. Not all schools are as large as yours.

Maybe the girls just don't consider your daughter as a friend they want to spend time with overnight and has nothing to do with their mums. At that age they chose their own circles and plenty of girls have friends in school that they don't socialise with outside of school.

Why don't you let your daughter have a sleepover next weekend and invite a few friends?

This is somewhat true but I suppose if long term friendships date back to an age where parents had more influence, it may be difficult to break in.

But I'm also wondering how tiny this school is if the entire year can go to a slumber party, and are there no larger (more normal) schools around?

Very similar thing happened to my daughter in primary. Got on very well with a couple of mum's, holidays, days out, families spending time together etc. The dynamics changed when another family joined the group. Playdates and sleepovers involved every other child and not ours. Friendships had drifted with the adults but I continued to have my daughter's friends over but encouraged other friendships as well and other activities outside school.
After a while my daughter asked why she never got invited to her friends house, this was maybe Y5 and I was honest with her that sometimes friendships change and we have to decide if they make us happy and add to our lives or if it's best to let drift and remember the happy times and move on. It was important to me that she understood it was no reflection on her, or likely even how her friends felt about her as the parents arranged so many things as a group there wasn't really any space or room for the girls to reach out and develop other friendships.
Our DD is now very happy and confident and values herself and has a lovely little group of friends who all enjoy each others company.
I hope things improve for your DD, she's lucky to have you in her corner.

Unless your daughter is in a very small school I find it hard to believe she is the only one not to have been included in the sleepover. Encourage new friendships and facilitate with lifts and arranging own sleepovers.

That's so different from around here. Are you very remote? In our nearest school there are 16 classes of 30 in year 7. This has its challenges (in kids feeling overwhelmed etc) but it worked for my eldest as he is quite quirky and found friends out of the vast pool of kids. But in a tiny school they must find it hard to find people to make friends with.

Very rural here. Think there’s about 70 in the whole primary school, if that! (Sorry, realised I meant Y6 and Y5 - am in Scotland and got confused working out the years.)

The friendship issue is probably the biggest negative and the biggest positive. A few years ago there were two girls in one year, one of whom was very pally with the lass in the year above (her neighbour) and the other felt very left out. On the other hand my dd was at a party a few months ago with children from every year from preschool to Y6, all of whom had been invited by the birthday girl (no relations). It is lovely how close the children are across the years, but it does concern
me that if she falls out with her closest friend she has no-one else in her year-group.

Small school 65ish in year. 25 girls in total with about 20 present on pic

Thanks for the messages. It’s a small school and she had an inkling as she overheard one of the girls asking another what she was going to wear to the sleepover. But didn’t realise it was such a large group - thinking it was a smaller group. The queen bee took exception as I wouldn’t tell her which of her friends had said something negative about her (didn’t feel it was my place to do so ) and she blew it all out on proportion. It’s then escalated with no “right to reply” or refute what she’s said.

I think you’re putting 2 and 2 together and making about 17– surely, if she’s been excluded from this friendship group because of something that happened in year 3, she wouldn’t have expected to be invited to this sleepover in the first place? And if she’s been unproblematically friends with these people all along till now, then the reason she wasn’t invited to this sleepover can’t be because of something that happened between parents in year 3?

With kindness, if a mum was acting this way in year 3, would you really want your DD going to her home?

I understand it must have been hurtful for your DD, but you need to stop thinking this mum is able to have this much power over you, and start having some confidence for you and your DD.

If your DD has a close friend or two, arrange your own days out and go from there. Reinforce in your mind and your DD that you are just as good enough as anyone else. All the best x

Thank you x.

If they were 7 years old I’d think your reasoning was probably on the money, but in year 7 it seems less likely your DD is left out just because the mums don’t like you. At that age most kids are finding their own friends and ignoring their parents’ opinion (and would likely baulk at being told who to invite or not to a party). Are you sure that’s the reason or could your DD be struggling with friendships and need some help with social skills and/or a wider set of kids to find her tribe from (which can often be a problem in a small school)?

@RawBloomers Y7 is still 11 and 12 years old right? You think a bullying parent would allow the kid of someone they don’t like and have ostracised for 4 years into their home? And that the child could overrule their parent?

I think this is where we acknowledge we all parent differently, but even at 11, I would have the ultimate say of who is allowed in my home. So if the host is the QB or one of her minions is, the OPs child is unlikely to be invited. It’s just a shame it’s such a small environment.

When kids are younger parents are generally the ones doing the inviting, so leaving someone the parents don’t want is just a matter of them not issuing the invite. But by year 7 parents will have to be saying, one way or another, “No, you can’t invite X, I don’t want her in the house/car/on the trip.”. I think it’s highly unlikely that all the parents would be banning this one child from their daughters’ social lives so emphatically. I can see one or two parents being that way, but OP seems to think it’s a lot of them and that does seem pretty unlikely.

In secondary school kids make their own friends. No one cares about anyone's parents. Hopefully she can find a nicer group of students (maybe those on the periphery of the larger group) and hopefully start socialising with them. Maybe chat to her about any nice kids in her classes?