Daughter left out because mums don’t like me

[greyeyedgirl]

My daughter is in year 7. She’s just seen on social media that most of the girls in the year have been to a sleepover together and she’s not been invited. She’s heart broken. I can’t tell her the reason is that when she was in year 3 one of the mums took a dislike to me and has systematically turned many other mums at the school against me with untrue rumours. She is a proper queen bee. So I was excluded from the friendship group of mums which I feel sad about but have other friends. Consequently the girls are always on day trips out in the holidays, play dates, Share after school clubs go on holiday together and are tight. I thought in seniors this would matter less as kids choose their own friends which are not driven by parents friend choices. But it doesn’t seem to be the case it’s awful to see myDD left out because of my friendship dynamics. Any advice ?

Op also said it’s a pretty small school. So… hive mind and all that. It’s not something I understand cause my area is big enough to have many different schools and primary to secondary there are enough opportunities to meet new people. Doesn’t sound like there is here and it sounds similar to my parents home country. Where you know, socialise with the same people to 14.

DD2 has been friends with a particular group since Y7, one of the girls since nursery. I know and like the other mums but none of us are best mates or go out socially.

Yes. I picked that up, and mentioned it in my first post. I’ve some experience with small communities. My own kids were, until a couple of years ago, in a school where they had to combine years because each year group was too small on its own and they still only had 16 kids in their class.

All communities are different and I haven’t said it’s impossible, but I still think it’s unlikely by year 7 that lots of parents would be refusing to include OP’s DD if their DC wanted her to be invited.

If someone told me someone has said something about me but won’t tell me who, they do not deserve to be In my life and would be cut off too. Sorry OP. Queen B had every right to disassociate your somebody she cannot trust.

so there were approx 40 girls in year that didn't go /weren't invited ?

How is that most of the girls ?

At your daughters age I would probably say real reason. Presumably she isn't in their circle so doesn't mix with them for anything ?

20 children went for a sleepover?

With this many children I highly doubt that a) all parents hang out together and b) the mother would care that much to exclude your DD.

Help your daughter navigate this but I sense it's not about you.

This happened to me too op during the primary years...it was awful for my DD who was actually very popular with the other kids in her class, but excluded from most social events.

She's in secondary now and that nonsense is over with....I'm surprised you're still having to tolerate that. All I can say is hopefully as time goes on and these kids start getting older, they'll be far less tolerant of their mum's organising their social lives.

Can you encourage your DD to make some new friends at school?

Is this a private school? The cohort size sounds too small to me, and I would be looking to move.
Two factors: if private it's unlikely to be financially viable.
As they get older there is more specialisation and an ideal size for a subject isn't smaller than 10/12 as any smaller you can't really get group interaction and debate.

And that's before the childish behaviour of parents etc.

Yes indeed … I’ve had similar and it has influenced my sons choice of school for primary (currently at preschool.)

OK, so that's not "smallish" - that's tiny by secondary school standards.

Firstly, I find it exceptionally unlikely that your daughter would be excluded from activities at this age due to their parents. They tend to organise them themselves.
Secondly, if this really is the case, and 20 (!) children are routinely invited to events but not your DD, I would consider moving schools. This one is too small for decent options in friends. I also suspect it's limiting in other ways (e.g. subject choice).

She’s just seen on social media that most of the girls in the year have been to a sleepover together

So "most" of the girls, not all of the girls.

You cannot expect your dd to be invited to everything, though it may be hurtful sometimes. Dd had a friendship group of 6 girls in her class which was half of the girls, and regularly had or attended sleepovers/parties with them. Obviously people aren't going to invite all of the girls to sleepovers, who'd want 12-15 girls sleeping over?

Also this is life (I'm guessing she's your only or oldest?) you really need to toughen up against these situations and help your dd be resilient too.

Obviously we don't know what happened with this other mum but again she has the right to be friends with who she chooses. Steer clear and make other friends and encourage your dd to do the same.

Same thing happened to me too with ds. He did outside activities and met people and made friends that way.

It can last into secondary if you have a large unit of kids moving up from primary together. It was astonishing how long the parents controlled their kids' friendships. Even the headteacher rather indiscreetly told me one day when we were discussing something else that my son's year group had the fussiest parents he'd ever encountered!

Apologies I read that she was 7yo not in year 7. At this age I'm not really even sure why you're so invested? My yr 8 dd hasn't been to any sleepovers in high school and only two parties. She's really not bothered and neither am I, she has several friends. You need to step back, you sound a bit paranoid about the mum thing. I don't even know any of the mums at dd's high school!

It was a long time ago! But when I was 13 we moved and I changed secondary school from one where I had no friends and was badly bullied to a different school where I could make a new start. I never looked back.

would changing schools be a possibility? I realise this might not be a practical idea.

Friendships change in senior school. New friends join the group old ones leave and connect with others. She might not have been directly left out but drifted away..my dd is closer to a girl from primary now than she ever was before senior school and not as close to another girl she was close to in primary, it does happen. I don't think the past politics of what happened in primary school with yourself and the other mums come into play here.

Firstly, I find it exceptionally unlikely that your daughter would be excluded from activities at this age due to their parents. They tend to organise them themselves

This should be the case but not always... especially if the friendship group was formed at primary....a lot of mums stay in primary mode despite their DC growing up and still want to control their social lives.

Queen Bee isn’t a phrase invented by Motherland - it was used when I was at school in the 80s 😄

LegoBingo makes a good point OP. Have you initiated anything for DD and her friends? Doesn't have to be a sleepover, there's lots of alternatives.

And do encourage her to make new friends rather than hankering after those she seems to be getting rejected from

Entirely off topic really but who on Earth has space to have 20 kids for a sleepover???

You lost me at 'Queen Bee'. Perpetuating drama and having perceived slights is not healthy for you or your child.

OP actually didn’t say that she was the one who told ‘Queen Bee’ that something had been said about her. Just that she was asked who it was and refused to say because she felt it wasn’t her place to get involved. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Maybe OP just didn’t want to get involved in the kind of drama this silly woman should have left behind in her own school playground.

This is a Queen Bee -

%3D

Why do people pretend this isn’t a thing? Where is the DD meant to magic up new friends? People can be spiteful. (Motherland seems tame to me!)