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Original poster

My husband is being off with our daughter help.

69 replies

katrin174 · 03/01/2025 22:03

My daughter is 6years old. She's very attached to me (always has been) and I've had 2 weeks off over Christmas so we've spent a lot of time together and she's been wanting me to do bedtime each night.
Usually when I'm working my husband and I take turns, alternating between walking the dog and putting her to bed. Recently my daughter has been refusing to let my husband put her to bed and crying for me to do it every night. She says she misses me and likes me doing bedtime as I read her stories whereas my husband doesnt he just gives her his phone to watch until she falls asleep.

My husbands taken it really badly and is feeling rejected by her but is getting angry and nasty towards her. He told her the other day 'fine I'm never putting you to bed again' and since then he's been really off with her. he's barely spoken or played with her and she says if she asked him to open her banana or get her a drink he's been saying do it yourself.
He can be really nasty at times and weve not had a close marriage for a long time. he's very negative and I get really tired of it but he's always loved our daughter and been very loving towards her until recently.
This eve I suggested he started putting her to bed and I would come in for a cuddle before she went to sleep to try and break the ice between then but she refused and started getting upset wanting me. she was telling me what happened and why she hadn't let him do bedtime and he shouted out aggressively at her that she was a liar which made her Really upset.

I don't know whst to do. I am concerned about his behaviour and his attitude towards her and the affect it's having on her self esteem and self worth.

He's very defensive when I try to talk to him, blaming her or me for her actions. I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Bavariamaria · 03/01/2025 22:07

Leave him

CherryBlossom321 · 03/01/2025 22:08

Read your post back to yourself and imagine it’s been written by your sister or best friend. What would you hope for them to do?

52for2025 · 03/01/2025 22:10

I wouldn’t want to be put to bed by someone nasty either.

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6 year olds Families
Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/01/2025 22:10

Tell him if he wants to continue to be a part of the family then he needs therapy and lots of it, and this behaviour cannot continue. I would seek support from somewhere as he IS emotionally abusing your DD.

DorianMeile · 03/01/2025 22:11

He's jealous of you. The fact that he can't even be arsed to read her a story and instead sits there whilst she stares at a screen (which will impact her sleep quality) says it all really. What a lazy bastard. The fact that he is taking his jealousy out on her by shouting at her is even worse. It won't get better.

Bobbing46 · 03/01/2025 22:12

He's being abusive to your daughter. She's 6. She isn't responsible for his feelings. If he's feeling put out maybe he needs to actually take a more active role in bedtime and read her a story rather than letting the phone parent her. Has something more happened? I think you need to listen to what your daughter is telling you about why she doesn't want him to put her to bed.

nellly · 03/01/2025 22:13

This is really awful tbh what else is going on? What's family time like other wise?

Unless it's amazing please take her and get out she'll remember and thank you forever

frecklejuice · 03/01/2025 22:13

Well she isn't going to forget him behaving like this and definitely won't want him putting her to bed anytime soon. He sounds awful.

Glitchymn1 · 03/01/2025 22:13

If you hadn’t added how nasty he is and if he actually did bedtime properly rather than handing her his phone, then there might be more helpful suggestions. She’s only six, he’s damaging her emotionally.

Why does he even want to do bedtime when he can’t be bothered? I should think he’d be happy to leave it to you. What’s he doing whilst she’s on his phone? (Getting out of the dog walk presumably?).

pikkumyy77 · 03/01/2025 22:15

First post nails it. He is a shit father—whatever fantasy you had that he could be mean to you but loving to her should be deader than the dodo. He will just get progressively worse to both of you. Just leave.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/01/2025 22:16

A research paper published in the journal Group Processes & Intergroup Relations found that people who received the silent treatment experienced a threat to their needs of "belonging, self-esteem, control, and meaningful existence."

Use of the silent treatment can be damaging to any relationship, but Wright said the risks of harm are especially potent when a parent uses it on a child.

When children experience the silent treatment, it can lead to feelings of emotional abandonment. They are likely to engage in behaviors such as clinging or reassurance-seeking, anything they can do to try and get the parent to stop engaging in that behavior.
"The biggest long-term consequence may be a child's inability to securely attach in future relationships," Wright said. "You're always kind of worried that the other person's going to leave you."

A parent who is using such behavior on a child must recognize there are long-term emotional harms, and the parent may need the help of a mental health professional to stop the cycle.

If he won’t seek help then please protect your DD and get him out of your house.

Walkerzoo · 03/01/2025 22:17

If your daughter was older and said that she didn't want someone to be there when she went to bed what advice would you give

You know the answer.

Hyperquiet · 03/01/2025 22:18

That's horrible behaving like that with an innocent child. What did he say she was lying about?? What was the reason your daughter was telling you?

PennyApril54 · 03/01/2025 22:20

Bobbing46 · 03/01/2025 22:12

He's being abusive to your daughter. She's 6. She isn't responsible for his feelings. If he's feeling put out maybe he needs to actually take a more active role in bedtime and read her a story rather than letting the phone parent her. Has something more happened? I think you need to listen to what your daughter is telling you about why she doesn't want him to put her to bed.

This.
Telling you what happened when? During the day with the nastiness or the last time he put her to bed?? This is worth exploring through a very private and open chat with your daughter. Something doesn't sound right. He's trying to intimidate her. Id be concerned there's something sinister, of course there might not be but I'd definitely have my eyes and ears open to find out what has been going on.
He sounds awful regardless. Poor child. Please speak to her carefully.

babyproblems · 03/01/2025 22:20

Christ he sounds really nasty and emotionally abusive to be honest. I would imagine she is really frightened of him. I think you need to consider kicking him out to be honest. You sound quite complacent of a grown man bullying your 6 year old daughter? It’s not normal and it’s not acceptable to not communicate with kindness and compassion as a parent at least some of the time. Also what kind of shit parent gives his phone to a 6 year old to watch in bed? This is a terrible habit for him to have and not good for her in anyway. I think you need to draw some firm boundaries and if he cannot shift his behaviour and approach dramatically, you are better off without him and your daughter definitely definitely is better without him from now to be honest.

Lavender14 · 03/01/2025 22:20

So let's break this down.

His child has highlighted that she prefers a parent who actually engages with her at bedtime instead of sticking her on a device. His reaction to that (instead of saying OK I'll read you books) is to huff and be nasty and spiteful to the child and refuse her attention.

I would be laying the law down here so Crystal clear that if he didn't get it together and start parenting properly that he would be letting me know what days of the week he'd like to see her. I would absolutely walk over this. He's showing your dd how a man who loves her is supposed to treat her. This is not the type of relationship you want her to grow up thinking is normal or healthy or enough.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 03/01/2025 22:24

This is a showstopper. What's the point of living with him? He isn't nice to you, and now he isn't nice to his own daughter.

babyproblems · 03/01/2025 22:24

I agree aswell with the pp who mentioned what a shit example of a relationship with a man looks like. If you put up with this and allow him to continue, your daughter will grow up thinking it’s ok for the man in her life to ignore her, be silent and treat her badly. You’ll be back in 15 years worrying your son in law is abusive and your daughter is unreachable - this will be why. Because living with a man who treats her - and you, her example of her future self - like this now, is teaching her this is ok in a marriage and that you should accept it. Not the case at all and I urge you to make big choices now about your future and your daughter’s entire life.

BeLilacSloth · 03/01/2025 22:27

This is abuse. I have a niece around the same age and I love her to bits but she can be whiney and a tad difficult but I would be absolutely horrified if her dad was treating her like this.

TiredCatLady · 03/01/2025 22:33

Following the previous posts - what led to him calling her a liar? That’s quite an extreme reaction.
Before everyone goes directly to LTB - children can be unreliable narrators and it’s not unknown for them to play parents off against each other.
You say you haven’t had a close marriage in a while - how long is a while?

GreenGrass28 · 03/01/2025 22:36

This is very hard to read. My dd has a preference for me and my dh has never punished her for it. He does what any decent parent does, continue to show her that he loves her unconditionally regardless of who she prefers to put her to bed.

You husband sounds horrible and I would be taking some very serious steps to either leave or ensure he gets some therapy / parenting help. But if he gets super defensive, I doubt he's emotionally mature enough to take accountability for his behaviour and seek help, so that doesn't leave you with many options.

Fargo79 · 03/01/2025 22:40

Didn't need to read the whole post (although I did).

This was enough....

Husband is being off with our daughter. My daughter is 6 years old

6 years old. 6.

He's behaving like a fucking incel who's been rejected by a woman he asked out. What he actually needs to do is behave like an adult man who is a father and do some parenting. Why would she want him when he clearly doesn't give a shit about her? He doesn't actually put her to bed, does he? He just gives her a screen to do it for him. Lazy and harmful.

He doesn't seem remotely interested in being a dad and your daughter is receiving that message loud and clear. She is also on the receiving end of his emotional abuse and toxicity. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the lifelong damage that will be doing to her. Do what you will with that knowledge.

Goldbar · 03/01/2025 22:42

He needs to behave like an adult.

freepend · 03/01/2025 22:52

Aw I think this is really sad. All those people telling you to leave him. This man is a parent as much as you are to that little girl. He's clearly frustrated that the father/daughter bond is not as obvious as is in the movies or previous times. Your daughter is clearly very attached to you, both mine are, they are 7 and 10. They're just my shadows. I feel sorry for your partner and yes his behaviour is childish. Take aside your marriage issues (which may be a concern in itself) but he's being childish and just lashing out. I think you all need to decide where you are going forward but I would be expecting him to be a bit more involved in bedtimes etc. your daughter has TWO parents, and you are only one of them x

DorianMeile · 03/01/2025 22:57

freepend · 03/01/2025 22:52

Aw I think this is really sad. All those people telling you to leave him. This man is a parent as much as you are to that little girl. He's clearly frustrated that the father/daughter bond is not as obvious as is in the movies or previous times. Your daughter is clearly very attached to you, both mine are, they are 7 and 10. They're just my shadows. I feel sorry for your partner and yes his behaviour is childish. Take aside your marriage issues (which may be a concern in itself) but he's being childish and just lashing out. I think you all need to decide where you are going forward but I would be expecting him to be a bit more involved in bedtimes etc. your daughter has TWO parents, and you are only one of them x

This is just la la land though. He needs to do more than just be more involved in bedtimes. My son told me that his dad is better than me once (his dad is abusive) and I laughed about it and gave him an 'is he now?' kinda look. Inside I was screaming but I'm a decent parent and don't take my own emotions out on my child.