My husband is being off with our daughter help.

[katrin174]

My daughter is 6years old. She's very attached to me (always has been) and I've had 2 weeks off over Christmas so we've spent a lot of time together and she's been wanting me to do bedtime each night.
Usually when I'm working my husband and I take turns, alternating between walking the dog and putting her to bed. Recently my daughter has been refusing to let my husband put her to bed and crying for me to do it every night. She says she misses me and likes me doing bedtime as I read her stories whereas my husband doesnt he just gives her his phone to watch until she falls asleep.

My husbands taken it really badly and is feeling rejected by her but is getting angry and nasty towards her. He told her the other day 'fine I'm never putting you to bed again' and since then he's been really off with her. he's barely spoken or played with her and she says if she asked him to open her banana or get her a drink he's been saying do it yourself.
He can be really nasty at times and weve not had a close marriage for a long time. he's very negative and I get really tired of it but he's always loved our daughter and been very loving towards her until recently.
This eve I suggested he started putting her to bed and I would come in for a cuddle before she went to sleep to try and break the ice between then but she refused and started getting upset wanting me. she was telling me what happened and why she hadn't let him do bedtime and he shouted out aggressively at her that she was a liar which made her Really upset.

I don't know whst to do. I am concerned about his behaviour and his attitude towards her and the affect it's having on her self esteem and self worth.

He's very defensive when I try to talk to him, blaming her or me for her actions. I'm not sure what to do.

Tell him to stop behaving like a child. He needs to step up and look at how he can be a better father and have a better relationship with his daughter. He needs to stop comparing relationships too.

If he's not capable of this you need to consider what is he bringing to your dds life. Some mothers worry about if they split and what custody will look like but often men who don't put the effort in do bare minimum or the child walks with their feet a few years later. But what the child does get is a mother who role modelled don't settle for mediocre, who showed them it's better to be a solo parent than married to a crap dad.

He’s abusive!

Children can get clingy, prefer time with one parent over another, it’s normal. What is NOT ( although I suspect sadly it is) normal is that a grown adult takeing a six year old child’s behaviour personally.

I have 2 self proclaimed mummy’s girls and a Daddy’s girl ( possibly ND) she has massive meltdowns and takes these out on DH, you would think he’s been beating her the way she reacts to him. It hurts because she’s always preferred him to me, but he knows she dosnt mean it. He’d never ever say anything nasty to her in response.

You need to pull this prick up, he needs to grow up or fuck off.

Whilst I get he's an absolute wanker.
If you leave, will he want access, because from what you've said courts will grant it, and that means she will be there on her own with him. I'm not saying don't leave. I'm saying just weigh up how that looks when he wants to see her.
Courts award dads much worse than your husband contact. It puts you in a really crappy position.

such a shame he can't be arsed to read with her, not even for 5 minutes.

Silent treatment of children causes psychological damage. He is emotionally abusing that child. Yes he might have his own issues but if he won’t seek help then the best thing to do is to ask him to go.

Good god the bar is low........

"She says she misses me and likes me doing bedtime as I read her stories whereas my husband doesnt he just gives her his phone to watch until she falls asleep."

This is his problem right here. HE caused this.

If he wants a better relationship with his child, he needs to put some effort in. A hell of a lot more than he has been.

If he doesn't step up to the plate, she is going to turn to you. Be sure to be there for her, every single time.

I don’t mean to sound extreme but this really rings alarm bells for me and I immediately thought is it sexual abuse. I am an ex social worker. I would be wondering what has happened to put her off, like a PP mentioned what is he doing while he puts her to bed? I wouldn’t be out the house dog walking. It’s really odd to give her a phone and I wouldn’t have allowed this, it is known to disrupt sleep. His reaction is really weird too, it’s one thing to feel abit rejected but another to start acting like he has. Very strange all round. I think you need to try to talk to her when he is not present.

I’m not surprised that she doesn’t want him
to take her to bed. He is behaving appallingly

Giving her his phone instead of reading her a bedtime story? That's the saddest thing I've read in a long time.

She doesn't want to be put to bed by a selfish man baby and who could blame her. Tell him to grow up and be a proper dad or fuck off.

Your poor daughter.
Don't let this "man" bully her anymore.

Your DD is 6 years old. What the hell is he playing at?

Get away from him and him away from your DD.

The man's an abusive piece of shit. You deserve better.

Some men are really stupid as well as being nasty.
Doesn't he get that if he read his Dd a story at bedtime and showed her kindness throughout the day, she'd probably be happy for him to put her to bed and generally spend time with him?
But he's a nasty shit and too stupid to see it.

Why is calling her a liar? What is he afraid she's said? I would be very worried about what is going on while you are out walking the dog.

You need to think carefully about how to protect your daughter from this man.
It may well mean leaving.

Honestly he is an abusive c*nt.

This

This is really empty advice

It sounds like your daughter is very attached to you right now, and your husband feels rejected, which has caused him to lose control of his emotions. Maybe you can take it step by step, like both of you putting her to bed together at first and gradually involving him more. Explain to him that his attitude can affect your daughter’s feelings and encourage him to interact with her in a gentler way, like telling her a story or playing with her for a bit. You can also support him in rebuilding his relationship with your daughter. If things don’t improve, consider seeking help from a family counselor.

He doesn't read to her. He just hands her his phone and the bright light may impact her sleep. He's lazy and pathetic for giving his tiny daughter the silent treatment. I can see why the little girl prefers her mum.

I think this would be good advice if things weren't quite as bad but as pp have said he does seem to emotionally immature to reflect on and change his behaviour via family therapy

@freepend he cant be arsed to read a book. He is "pushed out" as a result of his own behaviour

likes me doing bedtime as I read her stories whereas my husband doesnt he just gives her his phone to watch until she falls asleep.

Long before this event I'd have lost my shit about this.
It would go something like
"Are you not embarassed by the fact you are too fucking lazy to read your only child a book?"

She's 6.
Explain she is 6 and the only way his behaviour would be considered reasonable would be if he is also 6.
I'd also explain that you are confused as to why he is bothered about bedtime as the level of effort he puts in with his dd sends both you and her the VERY CLEAR MESSAGE that he has NO FUCKING INTEREST in doing it. So why is bothered that she is now not interested either? Surely he is happy as has got what he actually wants which is a "hassle free" evening.

If thats not what he wants and he wants his dd to spent time with him maybe he needs to up his game. And its not some mysterious fucking riddle. She is literally telling him what she needs. Read a fucking book. Play with her. Be nice to her. Do things shes interested in

You need a clear firm conversation about the fact he needs to be the adult / parent and get back in the game. You also need to support that. "No daddy is going to read to you tonight... but i have great news!!! He told me he would let you pick a second one too! Run in and pick your first book!" Etc

OP, how is this going to work out if you stay with him? What about when she is a teen? What if she is a tricky teen?

What about when she leaves home (which she might do a whole lot quicker than she would if he wasn't a nasty person.
What about when you are both retired and both at home together? Does that all sound like something you want to do?

I'd leave

What is he making her watch on the phone? Where is he in the bedroom when she is watching it?
Why would he say she is a liar.

If you leave he will likely get 50/50 so you need to do a lot of sensitive groundwork and protect her.

Thank you all for your replies. I actually think he's quite depressed and I will speak to him about going for councelling as I think he needs it.

Family time is usually just me playing and taking the children out while he mostly stays home. He does the basic jobs like the dog walk, cleaning kitchen and cooking a meal but doesn't really spend any quality time with any of us..Usually he just keeps himself to himself and there's a big divide between me and the children and him. He spends most of his time in his office. My daughter is usually the one he loves and dotes on the and they used to cuddle up on the sofa together after school with snacks and watching TV but he's become much more negative lately and distant. He also only ever speaks negatively about other people and never says anything nice about anyone.

Last night my daughter asked me 3 times if she still loves her which is heart breaking and I just replied of course he does but that's what prompted me to post on here. I never usually do.

Im going to have to have a big talk with him today when the children aren't around and say that he really needs to sort himself out as at the moment we aren't a family and the children pick up on it. plus it's lonely for me too.