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Original poster

My husband is being off with our daughter help.

69 replies

katrin174 · 03/01/2025 22:03

My daughter is 6years old. She's very attached to me (always has been) and I've had 2 weeks off over Christmas so we've spent a lot of time together and she's been wanting me to do bedtime each night.
Usually when I'm working my husband and I take turns, alternating between walking the dog and putting her to bed. Recently my daughter has been refusing to let my husband put her to bed and crying for me to do it every night. She says she misses me and likes me doing bedtime as I read her stories whereas my husband doesnt he just gives her his phone to watch until she falls asleep.

My husbands taken it really badly and is feeling rejected by her but is getting angry and nasty towards her. He told her the other day 'fine I'm never putting you to bed again' and since then he's been really off with her. he's barely spoken or played with her and she says if she asked him to open her banana or get her a drink he's been saying do it yourself.
He can be really nasty at times and weve not had a close marriage for a long time. he's very negative and I get really tired of it but he's always loved our daughter and been very loving towards her until recently.
This eve I suggested he started putting her to bed and I would come in for a cuddle before she went to sleep to try and break the ice between then but she refused and started getting upset wanting me. she was telling me what happened and why she hadn't let him do bedtime and he shouted out aggressively at her that she was a liar which made her Really upset.

I don't know whst to do. I am concerned about his behaviour and his attitude towards her and the affect it's having on her self esteem and self worth.

He's very defensive when I try to talk to him, blaming her or me for her actions. I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
DorianMeile · 04/01/2025 09:29

katrin174 · 04/01/2025 09:22

Thank you all for your replies. I actually think he's quite depressed and I will speak to him about going for councelling as I think he needs it.

Family time is usually just me playing and taking the children out while he mostly stays home. He does the basic jobs like the dog walk, cleaning kitchen and cooking a meal but doesn't really spend any quality time with any of us..Usually he just keeps himself to himself and there's a big divide between me and the children and him. He spends most of his time in his office. My daughter is usually the one he loves and dotes on the and they used to cuddle up on the sofa together after school with snacks and watching TV but he's become much more negative lately and distant. He also only ever speaks negatively about other people and never says anything nice about anyone.

Last night my daughter asked me 3 times if she still loves her which is heart breaking and I just replied of course he does but that's what prompted me to post on here. I never usually do.

Im going to have to have a big talk with him today when the children aren't around and say that he really needs to sort himself out as at the moment we aren't a family and the children pick up on it. plus it's lonely for me too.

He sounds unhappy. So do you. He's abusive to your child to the point she feels he doesn't love her. I don't think you're likely to ever be a happy family unless he really changes, which I doubt by the sounds of him he will.

Jifmicroliquid · 04/01/2025 09:32

Can’t he read her a story and make bedtimes with him doing it enjoyable for her? Does he not see that he had the power to change this by spending time with her?

He sounds very childish.

FiveWhatByFiveWhat · 04/01/2025 09:32

@katrin174 I thought from your initial post your DD was your only child, but from your update it sounds like you have more? What's he like with her siblings/s?

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howsthehair · 04/01/2025 09:37

He's not depressed, he's an abusive arsehole. Depressed people still love and appropriately care for their children. If you don't leave him he will destroy her self worth.

JimHalpertsWife · 04/01/2025 09:42

he just gives her his phone to watch until she falls asleep

Wtf? I've not even read the rest yet but jesus christ.

Edit:- read the rest. So he is am abusive arsehole who is going to poison the household with his attitude. You know what you need to do here OP.

Goldbar · 04/01/2025 09:42

He's opting out of family life and blaming his child for the inevitable rift that has developed. You get back what you put in - is he incapable of understanding that?

BettyBardMacDonald · 04/01/2025 09:42

howsthehair · 04/01/2025 09:37

He's not depressed, he's an abusive arsehole. Depressed people still love and appropriately care for their children. If you don't leave him he will destroy her self worth.

This. Your home sounds like a dismal, eggshell-walking, toxic atmosphere for those poor kids.

What is your career/financial situation?

This is your one and only life, and one chance to set the stage for those kids to have an emotionally healthy life. Every day damages them more. I'd ask him to leave.

wandawaves · 04/01/2025 10:13

Have a look into my crystal ball OP.... my ex husband was like this with my daughter throughout the years (post divorce)... very tit for tat like yours, would intentionally reject her if she was upset with him, to the point where it has just snowballed and now they both refuse to see each other. So how is my daughter now? Suffers with severe chronic depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, very low self esteem, self harms, hospitalisations, unable to cope with life. She has a specific therapy now to just deal with her relationship with her father and how that has impacted her as a person. As a person OP. These little moments have formed her whole, shitty, opinion of herself.

You need to have very stern, very brutal words with him. I'd say leave, but honestly if you leave and he continues this shit behaviour, she will still suffer. So whether you leave or not, he really needs to cut it out. Please try to get through to him OP. If he continues, just leave, so at least she isn't subjected to this 24/7.

Fargo79 · 04/01/2025 10:14

Depressed? Fuck that. Stop making excuses for him to abuse your children.

I'm depressed and my kids know they are my whole world.

My grandma had horrific depression as a result of extreme childhood abuse to the point that she was hospitalised frequently. She managed not to abuse any of her children or grandchildren and we all knew she loved us.

Two things can be true. He can be depressed and also be a shit dad.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/01/2025 10:39

I’m going to have to have a big talk with him today when the children aren't around and say that he really needs to sort himself out as at the moment we aren't a family and the children pick up on it. plus it's lonely for me too.

I would 💯 do this but make sure you put a clock on all asks
i.e.

  • Irrespective of how you feel, you need to sit down with our dd tonight tell her how much you love her and how none of this is about her, ask her if you can read her a story and accept it graciously and say okay maybe tomorrow if she says no
  • you need to have researched local therapists today and by Sunday evening you need to have contacted 5 you like the look of. If you need my help lmk.
  • By Tuesday EOP I expect you to have spoken / followed up with 3 and have an initial appointment booked by Friday.

Two things can be true. He can be depressed and also be a shit dad.

i also agree with this.
i know someone with depression who is a very engaged and good IMO parent

devilspawn · 04/01/2025 11:30

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/01/2025 10:39

I’m going to have to have a big talk with him today when the children aren't around and say that he really needs to sort himself out as at the moment we aren't a family and the children pick up on it. plus it's lonely for me too.

I would 💯 do this but make sure you put a clock on all asks
i.e.

  • Irrespective of how you feel, you need to sit down with our dd tonight tell her how much you love her and how none of this is about her, ask her if you can read her a story and accept it graciously and say okay maybe tomorrow if she says no
  • you need to have researched local therapists today and by Sunday evening you need to have contacted 5 you like the look of. If you need my help lmk.
  • By Tuesday EOP I expect you to have spoken / followed up with 3 and have an initial appointment booked by Friday.

Two things can be true. He can be depressed and also be a shit dad.

i also agree with this.
i know someone with depression who is a very engaged and good IMO parent

Edited

I don't think anyone who has clinical depression can be as good a parent, but they can be better than this for sure.

ThisNewPinkFox · 04/01/2025 12:54

katrin174 · 03/01/2025 22:03

My daughter is 6years old. She's very attached to me (always has been) and I've had 2 weeks off over Christmas so we've spent a lot of time together and she's been wanting me to do bedtime each night.
Usually when I'm working my husband and I take turns, alternating between walking the dog and putting her to bed. Recently my daughter has been refusing to let my husband put her to bed and crying for me to do it every night. She says she misses me and likes me doing bedtime as I read her stories whereas my husband doesnt he just gives her his phone to watch until she falls asleep.

My husbands taken it really badly and is feeling rejected by her but is getting angry and nasty towards her. He told her the other day 'fine I'm never putting you to bed again' and since then he's been really off with her. he's barely spoken or played with her and she says if she asked him to open her banana or get her a drink he's been saying do it yourself.
He can be really nasty at times and weve not had a close marriage for a long time. he's very negative and I get really tired of it but he's always loved our daughter and been very loving towards her until recently.
This eve I suggested he started putting her to bed and I would come in for a cuddle before she went to sleep to try and break the ice between then but she refused and started getting upset wanting me. she was telling me what happened and why she hadn't let him do bedtime and he shouted out aggressively at her that she was a liar which made her Really upset.

I don't know whst to do. I am concerned about his behaviour and his attitude towards her and the affect it's having on her self esteem and self worth.

He's very defensive when I try to talk to him, blaming her or me for her actions. I'm not sure what to do.

Is he neurodivergent?

I think it’s important to keep routine with children, she cried for you so you just do it. Instead of saying no, it’s daddy’s turn. And both agree to read a book at bedtime so it’s the exact same routine.
I think if you start doing that now, it’d be helpful (it’s all been disrupted so expect it to take a few weeks of routine again to settle)

as for your husbands behaviour, you do need to discuss it. If he gets defensive just explain to him that the conversation is needed and that getting defensive won’t resolve the problem. Don’t let him change the subject, stay calm yourself, explain that you both need to restart routine and that’s what needs to happen.
if he is neurodivergent is he on medication?

NewDogOwner · 04/01/2025 12:58

The damage he is doing to her will be lasting.

ThisNewPinkFox · 04/01/2025 13:11

devilspawn · 04/01/2025 11:30

I don't think anyone who has clinical depression can be as good a parent, but they can be better than this for sure.

Show quote history

I respectfully disagree, I was severely depressed for many years but my children always came first. I dragged myself out of bed every day, did the school run with a big fake smile, then on the days I wasn’t working I’d lie on the sofa all day, then put my clothes back on, pick up the kids , ask them about their day and lie about my own, cook them dinner, we did bed time stories etc and when they were in bed I’d go to bed myself and quite often cry myself to sleep. They still to this day have no idea.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 04/01/2025 13:13

wandawaves · 04/01/2025 10:13

Have a look into my crystal ball OP.... my ex husband was like this with my daughter throughout the years (post divorce)... very tit for tat like yours, would intentionally reject her if she was upset with him, to the point where it has just snowballed and now they both refuse to see each other. So how is my daughter now? Suffers with severe chronic depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, very low self esteem, self harms, hospitalisations, unable to cope with life. She has a specific therapy now to just deal with her relationship with her father and how that has impacted her as a person. As a person OP. These little moments have formed her whole, shitty, opinion of herself.

You need to have very stern, very brutal words with him. I'd say leave, but honestly if you leave and he continues this shit behaviour, she will still suffer. So whether you leave or not, he really needs to cut it out. Please try to get through to him OP. If he continues, just leave, so at least she isn't subjected to this 24/7.

Oh my goodness, your poor daughter 😭

OP please, if you don't read any other post, read this one that Wanda has bravely shared.

I want to cry for your wee girl.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/01/2025 13:26

devilspawn · 04/01/2025 11:30

I don't think anyone who has clinical depression can be as good a parent, but they can be better than this for sure.

Show quote history

Externally she is one of the most upbeat people you will ever meet. i imagine most people would not suspect anything was amiss and certainly not realise how severe her depression is.
she holds down a full time demanding job and is one of the kindest nicest people you will meet.
however I do think she’s the exception as depression is generally very “selfish” and her situations like hers are rare.

CherryBlossom321 · 05/01/2025 10:48

OP, I have had extensive periods of depression and have been diagnosed in the past year as autistic. I have never, ever, treated my family like shit as a result. Nor have any other parents I know who also struggle with mental health. His behaviour is a choice.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/01/2025 13:50

What a childish, vindictive cunt he is. How can a grown man treat his own daughter like that just out of spite? He isn't a safe parent for her.

mindutopia · 05/01/2025 15:01

No, sorry, he’s not depressed. He’s an abusive jerk. I’ve been depressed. Sometimes I needed a break from parenting or a nap. It didn’t make me treat my kids like shit though. The absolute best gift you could give your dd is to get her out of this situation and give her a happy, calm home. She will be forever grateful to you.

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