Guide for grandparents doing childcare

[M0therBear]

My dad has very kindly offered to look after my toddler for one day per week. I'd like to make him a handbook/guide for my toddler so that everything he will need to know is in one place. I'm thinking of including information on when and how to make naps happen, food and allergy information, emergency numbers, our approach to handling emotions/behaviour etc. Has anyone else done this? If so what information did you include?

I think a manual is overkill but my childminder asked for my baby's routine. I didn't think he had one but just started writing down what time he slept at etc, and it was pretty predictable. This was very useful for the childminder to help to know what his needs were at a particular time, until she got to know him better.

I spent an hour trying to get my niece asleep once because I didn't realise she was missing her soother (mine wouldn't take one so I never even thought of one). A one pager would have been useful- e.g. normal nap pattern and what she uses to nap!

I was the same.. but with my in laws, not with my own parents.

Looking at this thread it's now really obvious I didn't trust them one bit.. and turns out with good reason.

This. He's not a novice.

I hope your dad is more clued in than my dad, he didn't see an issue with us holding a baby on a lap in the car to save bringing a second car (we didn't leave him minding ours when younger!). It was just things had changed so much since we were young, you didn't even need seat belts in the back then. Everyone just crammed in.

Yet you got free childcare off them?

He doesn't need a manual! He is your father, all he needs to do is make sure your child feels safe and lovesd and that they are safe and loved.

Maybe leave emergency numbers on the fridge.

@derbiee not really.. they live the other side of the country and we occasionally popped out for some time when they stayed.

Anyway big backstory I'm NC with them due to the neglect of my eldest under their care, but I'm not derailing the OP, I was just reflecting on how I used to treat them differently from my own parents.

He’s raised you to adulthood and I’m assuming if you’re trusting him to look after your child then there were no issues with your upbringing. So why does he need a manual? My mum looked after both of mine, and the only instruction she had was please no danger naps after 3pm.

In an emergency he’d call you or 999, I don’t really see what other emergency you might be anticipating. Rough nap times, please don’t feed her xyz, away you go. Relax, he’s your dad.

How patronising

'Handbook' 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Can't you just have a conversation with him about how you like things done? You might have to accept that he won't do everything just how you would, but a general idea of routines and what helps your child to sleep, etc, would be useful. A list of emergency contact, sure. A manual? I'd be reconsidering my offer to watch your child. Either you trust me or you don't.

@M0therBear I would find that very helpful in looking after someone else’s child if presented in the right way.

He’s your dad and he’s granddad and when it comes to family it’s a bit different.

So, have a chat with him and ask him what info he would find useful and include it. That way you are not dictating to him, rather you are collaborating with him and trying to make things easier for him.

What would you hope to achieve by this? If you feel he’s not able to look after you child decline the offer. Has he looked after them at all before? Maybe start with a few minutes both of you there and work your way up. re allergies sure, make sure they have it all etc (not written down, they need to know it). How to get them to sleep, tell him but also know that it might be a little different - kids figure it out eg mom breastfeeds me to sleep, dad has to rock me etc, grandad takes me for walk in buggy.

I think it’s an excellent idea as long as you keep the information relevant and not patronising.

He could use it to make notes of questions he wants to ask you too etc

Wow - I came here for advice and I've been met with a pile on from people who don't know my family or how my dad likes to receive information. Thanks to the couple of people who made suggestions like where to find suncream, that is helpful and I thank you for your time. For everyone who took the time to be judgemental - I have already been feeling low (for other reasons that you don't need to know about) and your unkindness has only compounded that. This will be my last post on Mumsnet.

It's important not to go ott. I'd say an A4 page with the routine and include in that tips eg
x time- prep lunch so it's ready
X time- lunch
X time start going out routine (nappy, bag, shoes, coat)
X time leave for toddler group (POSTCODE. Parking is tricky so park over the road)
X time- nap. Needs dummy and teddy
Etc

Then in the back write the list of emergency numbers. Where he stop cock is. Where batteries are. Lean sleep sacks found in x cupboard

Put a couple rules if you really do feel strongly eg screen time or fizzy drinks. But don't explain how to settle when sad or your approach to disapline and that type stuff- you either trust him with your child or you don't

My parents live 5 hrs away so didn't do regular childcare but did (and still do) come and stay for a few days and do childcare whilst DH and I go away. They did this for the first time when DC1 was 13 months (just an overnight that time). The DC are now teens and still get given a list with all of the info about emergency information (including which hospital is minor injuries, which has A&E); useful numbers (eg another parent who brings the DC home from an activity); how the house works (boiler settings etc). It used to include information about their routine (what time nursery/school or baby groups started, naps etc) and various other things like that.
It took me about 45 mins to prepare the first time and 5 mins to update every time since. It gives my parents peace of mind and limits the number of WhatsApp messages. Actually, I didn't give it to them for the most recent weekend away on the basis the teens could answer any questions and had three messages about what went in which bin and two about the tumble dryer (my parents don't have one). If I'd bothered to leave them the guide, they'd have known.

It's a shame you've not got you were after with this thread,
@M0therBear .
I don't know what your approach to handling emotions and behaviour is, but Dr Dan Seigal has written this for parents who follow his parenting style:
https://eadn-wc01-10021800.nxedge.io/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/A-Note-to-Our-Childs-Caregivers-.pdf

@TheyCantBurnUsAll

It's important not to go ott. I'd say an A4 page with the routine and include in that tips eg
x time- prep lunch so it's ready
X time- lunch*
X time start going out routine (nappy, bag, shoes, coat)
X time leave for toddler group

This is so patronising.

You don't need to tell another adult what time to start prepping lunch - just say 'he has lunch around 12' and trust them to be able to work that out.

Same for the toddler group, it's not the toddler you are telling, it the adult, all they need to know is when it starts, they don't need handheld through 'time to start going out routing' and 'time to leave'

@jannier no he left when I was 8 months pregnant and has built up his time with baby gradually but isn't sensible at all (see my post 'ex DP burnt my baby')

I agree

Op also add on where the thermometer and calpol is and when to give and how much and explain how the syringe works as my parents are terrified of the syringe

I used to leave some notes for my parents. I trusted them implicitly but I was trying to be helpful. I absolutely approached it as a guide rather than a set of rules for them to follow.

I think you do need to be careful about how you approach it so it doesn't come across as patronising - I can't imagine telling them when to prep lunch for example, that's far too prescriptive.

I used to note down nap times, what meals I'd prepared. It actually got more extensive when they were school age and I had to note down what they needed to take in on what day - instruments, pe kit etc

I absolutely wouldn't put much down about managing behaviour, I think you need to trust him on that. Unless it's a helpful one liner about, for example, putting on a favourite TV show to distract him from a tantrum

I’m sorry OP, honestly I don’t know how some people cope with the world if a helpful note would send them into such a tailspin. Not everyone’s default state is to be offended.

If it helps, my mum looks after my toddler and she regularly asked me to note things like nap times down for her because she finds it helpful. It’s 30 odd years since she looked after a baby, and we have a secure enough relationship that we can accept help from each other, and not take the hump if it’s sometimes more than is needed.

A helpful note is a far cry from a 'handbook.'