Kids don't like my wife.

[YeahWellWhoKnew]

Hi all. Divorced dad of 2, 14 boy and 12 girl. For last 7 years my ex wife and I have co parented, week about. No issues. I re married 2 years ago but new wife in my life 5 years and gets on fine with kids. A few weeks ago, my ex wife called to say my daughter wants to spend more time at hers and that both kids don't really like my wife and she moans at them too much (she has got them into trouble at ours over the years). I didn't say anything at the time because felt like ex wife was looking for a bite. I told my son what his mum said, he was shocked and said he absolutely liked my wife. I've asked my daughter a few times via message why she doesn't want to come to me as often but she's never answered she said she's happy to come every second weekend still.

When the kids were moving from house to house every week my daughter literally takes three bags of crap, hair straightness, makeup etc. Their mum also lives closer to school and friends and drops kids off at school (get the bus from mine) and my daughter goes out with friends after school when at mums but when at mine, I make her come home earlier because I don't want her walking the distance on her own especially in the dark.

Now I'm pretty sure the distance and bags of crap and friends are the main reasons because I see my wife and kids interact and it's all positive learning, but why not just say that. So do I leave it, let my daughter do what she's happy with, ask her about the not liking my wife or let it lie. I'm nervous I ask and she says yeah she doesn't like my wife then I'll be in a predicament. My ex wife has now told me my son felt like he had to lie to me and say he does like my wife, but apparently he doesn't.

A friend who's a psychologist told me that my daughter likely just wants her mum around more because she's developing physical and emotionally and used the getting into trouble as a reason because she doesn't really understand the reason deep down herself.

My wife has no children of her own and we don't plan on having either.

Just looking for some thoughts please.

Why do you need to ask your daughter? You know the answer, you say your wige has gotten the kids into trouble (no idea why you allow this), your ex has told you and your daughter is grey rocking you.

You need to handle this carefully or you will
continue to push your daughter away.

You are coming across as a little dismissive of your daughter and her choices. It is not 3 bags of crap, It is 3 bags of essentials - going into school looking a mess is not to be taken lightly. You wouldn't go into your place of work in your pyjamas yet you expect her to do the equivalent. You may not think of it as essential but to her it is. You need to respect rhat

Additionally your new wife has got her and your son into trouble - why would they like her after that?.

Between the two I am really not surprised she isn't keen to visit.

I don’t like the way ‘bags of crap’ is phrased, that’s your daughters life, moving house to house to accommodate you and your ex wife, because you have broken up.

Your new wife sounds like she has not been that nice to your children either.
Have you any insight as to why you and your ex wife broke up? Did you have communication problems, you seem to take her saying anything as ‘getting at you’ did ye have mediation and would you consider doing this again ?

I think your children shouldn’t be getting involved in adult conversations or put in the spot and expected to speak up about your current wife, most adults would shy away from that. It’s hard.

Sorry if my post is way off the mark.
I really hope you can work it out. Good luck.

What do you mean by your new wife got them into trouble. This is a strangely worded statement and open to all sorts of interpretation

Of course your kids hate her, they’re anxious she’s taking you away from them. They’re kids. IME all kids hate their parents new partners, I definitely did. Your life feels scary and unstable when these new adults are suddenly around and you worry about not being a priority any more. When the Dad has a new partner this always seems to be the case that kids are now second.

OP are you in Scotland ( where you give people into trouble) - ie has your wife given them a row?

Why doesn't your daughter have makeup and hair straighteners etc at yours so she doesn't have to carry "bags of crap" 🙄 around with her?

Living in different homes must be a real arse ache, especially when you're like a pack horse shuttling things back and forth between them. I'd hate to spend my life essentially living out of bags, I bet you would too; is there any thing you can do to make that side of things easier?

I think, given the ages of your DC, you should be allowing them more choice and responsibility and let them choose where they want to spend time. Even if it is about make up and friends, don’t you want your children to have normal teenage lives? Friends and stability is super important at that age. I think you need to put your kids’ happiness ahead of everything, including your ego and feeling toward your new wife.

The more chilled out and respectful you are about them and their lives, the more they will be chilled out and respectful of you.

Really strange take, not my experience of being the child of separated parents nor anyone I knew.

In your “experience” all kids hate new partners?? 🤣🤣

You know all the kids with step parents do you??

What an utterly bizarre, arrogant thing to say.

I did not hate either of my step parents. I love them both just as much as if they were my actual parents. I was in primary school when I met one, and an adult when I met the other.

I also, am a step parent, and have always had an excellent relationship with my (now adult) step kids. We see each other regularly, more than they see their Dad (always working) we go out together, visits each other often…

So tell me again how all kids hate new partners?

I know not one single person with step parents, that hates the new partner, or has ever hated the new partner. Neither way is more or less common than the other, and depends on a variety of factors, such as “was there an affair” “is the new partner horrible to the kids” “is the ex toxic and do they enjoy turning their children against the new partner out of spite”…

Do not base everyone’s feelings on your own, very limited experience

I think it’s probably just a phase and girls in general become more sociable at that age so perhaps she wants to be closer to her friends. I’d just let it go but make sure your daughter knows she is always welcome at yours and you want to see her as much as possible.

Ignore your ex wife’s comment … sometimes exes are berks and it’s best not to react to it.

At 12, your dd should be allowed to make her own choices for her own reasons.

It isn't her fault you live a bus ride away and don't have duplicate stuff for her at your house. I can't imagine many 12 yr olds want to have to get a bus and cart their stuff about and be away from their friends.

It doesn't matter if she likes your wife or not, it's her choice.

Why is the new wife (who has been in OP'S life a good few years now), not allowed to ever tell the kids off? 🤔 why is that frowned on so heavily?

I remarried when my kids were teens, occasionally my dh had to speak to one of the kids about various behaviors. No big drama. He's been a good step dad, supportive and generous. They are adults now and get on very well with him.

I don’t believe all kids do hate their step parents by default. I don’t hate mine, my sisters step kids don’t hate her, my stepson doesn’t hate me.

I never understand where this “taking a parent away” thing comes from either. My stepdad couldn’t take my mum away, we’ve got very different relationships with her… obviously. Why would my status as her child be affected by her finding a partner in my stepdad?

I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to “get your step kids into trouble,” depending on if they should be in trouble. If my stepson did something I’d either deal with it myself, or tell his dad - either way it’s dealt with. Is the suggestion that you should just keep quiet if you’re the step parents? Because… no 😂

My dd is 16 and doesn't go to her dads house because she doesn't like the gf. Her choice. He has accepted this and instead calved a lovely relationship around this though, outside of his house. She hasn't been there for about 3 years.

I hope you’re getting it that referring to things that are important to you daughter as crap makes you seem rather ignorant to what 12 year old girls are about. You’re her dad and if you understood those things your relationship with her would be better.

Why can’t she have a make up bag, straighteners etc., permanently at your house which presumably you want her to consider her home?

Your house is ment to be the kids home aswell, so why does your daughter need to bring 3 bags every week? She should have all the cloths, makeup, hair straighteners and whatever else she needs at your house already. By not having her stuff there you are treating her like a house guest not a family member, so she's probably feeling unwelcome.

Three bags of crap? What a lovely turn of phrase. Are you always so eloquent?

Oh leave off the OP on using the word crap, it's just a phrase. My own kids (who I have 50/50 with their dad, or did they are young adults now), cart around a load of what I would also call crap and then whine about it - and they absolutely do have dupes here but sometimes they want certain clothes or items and that's part and parcel of having two split your time between two houses.

My SD who is 11 would also carry a load of crap but her mother would never let her get away with it (first commandment - Thou shall not take "crap" from mothers house to father's house under any circumstance or mother shall have a mighty face on for a few weeks).

Why not get your daughter the same things at your house so she doesn't have to move stuff? I share custody of 8 year old DD and we replicate everything at both houses so it feels like two homes.

If your wife is ever with the kids without you there, she needs the authority to tell the kids off. I don’t have stepkids but if we have guests or my children are guests in someone else’s home, I (or they) can tell the kids off if necessary. I obviously don’t know what happened but would you have told the kids off ? If so, then she’s not unreasonable.

There are 3 possibilities here.

Your kids are telling mum the truth but don’t want to hurt your feelings or feel awkward seeing you.

Your ex is making it up to wind you up.

Your kids are telling you and mum different things because they think that’s what you want to hear.

As an aside, why wouldn’t you buy your dd items like hair straighteners so she doesn’t have to lug them to yours? If your son was carrying his gaming console and other “male” stuff, would you call it bags of crap or have you provided items like that because you don’t perceive it as crap? Any chance of moving to a place nearer their school? They’ll be at secondary a few more years and there will be more pressures on their time like boyfriends/girlfriends, part-time jobs etc

Respect your kids choices.
Sounds like they feel 2nd best and happier at their mum's house where they can relax more without someone who isn't their family.
Also if their friends are closer to mum's house then this is really a big thing for young teenagers.
This is the reality when you move a new wife into your kids' lives.
"Bags of crap" is a telling phrase.

It is quite possible your friend is right and your dd just used the words that she knew would work to get what she wants.
It is ALSO possible that your ds said he has no isdue with your dwife to keep the peace. And he actually doesn’t like her.

My first reaction is that, living at your house 50/50, they should have all they need in BOTH houses. Not to have to move themselves every week.
They should also be given more independence. Not allowing your dd to see her friends after school was never going to land well. And yes for safety reasons, maybe it’s better if she doesn’t walk. But you should have looked at other possibilities such as taking the bus or you/yourdwife picking her up. A pretty normal thing to do by parents of teens.

Sounds tough.

Bags of crap 😔

These things are obviously important to her! Take her shopping and get duplicates for your house! Unless money is a massive issue?

How did your wife get them into trouble? Do you mean she told them off? What for?

I think most 12/14 year olds would baulk at telling their dad that they dislike his wife. They know this would hurt you or anger you. Of course they're trying to ignore it/be polite.

I'd be inclined to let DC stay where they feel most comfortable. Have you got a dad/DC chat on WhatsApp (or whatever) where you can chat/video call?