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Original poster

Kids don't like my wife.

58 replies

YeahWellWhoKnew · 21/12/2024 13:37

Hi all. Divorced dad of 2, 14 boy and 12 girl. For last 7 years my ex wife and I have co parented, week about. No issues. I re married 2 years ago but new wife in my life 5 years and gets on fine with kids. A few weeks ago, my ex wife called to say my daughter wants to spend more time at hers and that both kids don't really like my wife and she moans at them too much (she has got them into trouble at ours over the years). I didn't say anything at the time because felt like ex wife was looking for a bite. I told my son what his mum said, he was shocked and said he absolutely liked my wife. I've asked my daughter a few times via message why she doesn't want to come to me as often but she's never answered she said she's happy to come every second weekend still.

When the kids were moving from house to house every week my daughter literally takes three bags of crap, hair straightness, makeup etc. Their mum also lives closer to school and friends and drops kids off at school (get the bus from mine) and my daughter goes out with friends after school when at mums but when at mine, I make her come home earlier because I don't want her walking the distance on her own especially in the dark.

Now I'm pretty sure the distance and bags of crap and friends are the main reasons because I see my wife and kids interact and it's all positive learning, but why not just say that. So do I leave it, let my daughter do what she's happy with, ask her about the not liking my wife or let it lie. I'm nervous I ask and she says yeah she doesn't like my wife then I'll be in a predicament. My ex wife has now told me my son felt like he had to lie to me and say he does like my wife, but apparently he doesn't.

A friend who's a psychologist told me that my daughter likely just wants her mum around more because she's developing physical and emotionally and used the getting into trouble as a reason because she doesn't really understand the reason deep down herself.

My wife has no children of her own and we don't plan on having either.

Just looking for some thoughts please.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 21/12/2024 18:46

I think that you should lay off the question of whether or not the kids like your wife. Any child with an ounce of decency isn’t going to come out and say it because it’s generally rude to say stuff like that plus they know that it will make you sad. If they said that they don’t like your wife then would you want to discuss it in detail ? Pretending that they like her is a way to get out of being questioned and having to say things that might make your sad or angry. It could be why they are telling mum that they don’t like her - they think that’s what she wants to hear.

Living somewhere closer to school is something that you should consider fixing. I know that moving is expensive but could save you drifting away from the kids.

CheekyHobson · 21/12/2024 19:05

Maybe get some "crap" for your daughter to keep at your house so she doesn't have to spend her life dragging the things she considers importnt to and fro. After all, you must have a fair bit of spare cash if you are only caring for your kids every second weekend.

Doitrightnow · 21/12/2024 19:43

Tbh by the time my ss was 14 he was not wanting to come to our house every other weekend as per the arrangement. He would frequently cancel last minute with a feeble excuse that really meant "I want to do stuff with my friends". DH was sad to see him less but it was really ss's choice and quite natural I think. Even when he was here he didn't interact with us much, he'd be gaming with his mates online etc.

Certainly by the time he was 15.5 it was assumed the default was that he wouldn't come anymore, although it was never officially discussed. DH sees him at other times now doing activities out of the house.

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Original poster
YeahWellWhoKnew · 22/12/2024 10:18

Sad times when most people pick up on a flippant word rather than give advice that's asked for.

  1. It was a word. Of course I don't say that to her
  2. I've offered to get her exactly the same stuff at my house. In actual fact, the straightners and most other stuff she takes is actually from my house, so she's taken it to her mums from mine but of course I don't stop that
OP posts:
Autumnblackberries · 22/12/2024 10:28

YeahWellWhoKnew · 22/12/2024 10:18

Sad times when most people pick up on a flippant word rather than give advice that's asked for.

  1. It was a word. Of course I don't say that to her
  2. I've offered to get her exactly the same stuff at my house. In actual fact, the straightners and most other stuff she takes is actually from my house, so she's taken it to her mums from mine but of course I don't stop that

"The advice you asked for, as I said above.
"Respect your kids choices"

Emotionalsupporthamster · 22/12/2024 11:01

I see my wife and kids interact and it's all positive learning

Is there kindness and fun too? I don’t see any problem with them getting a telling off from her sometimes, if deserved, but what’s the interaction like overall? I would lay off asking them about not liking her. They didn’t/don’t have a choice about her being in their lives so it puts them in a difficult position to be asked.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/12/2024 11:08

YeahWellWhoKnew · 22/12/2024 10:18

Sad times when most people pick up on a flippant word rather than give advice that's asked for.

  1. It was a word. Of course I don't say that to her
  2. I've offered to get her exactly the same stuff at my house. In actual fact, the straightners and most other stuff she takes is actually from my house, so she's taken it to her mums from mine but of course I don't stop that

In that case, she just doesn't want to come. Which is her choice.
Your response isn't particularly pleasant, (zero gratitude for example to strangers who took the time to try to help you understand why for example) so if this is indicative of your character, that might be something to do with it.

Tiswa · 22/12/2024 11:14

First off why does your wife not believe your son? He is the one still happy to come the issues appear to be with your daughter so why doesn’t she believe him and that you need to nip in the bud

what trouble did she get them in - that is a huge thing

also you have a part to play in this in not letting her see friends

MrTiddlesTheCat · 22/12/2024 11:26

You're very dismissive of your daughter's feelings. The consequence of that is she is now being dismissive of you.

CatEatDogWorld · 22/12/2024 11:40

I feel really sad for your daughter that she has pack three bags of her belongings just to come to your house. One make up bag would fit in her school bag and not be to much of a hassle - but why on earth haven’t you bought everything else she needs for your house?

Hair straighteners, hair dryer… whatever she carries in those bags are the belongings that she needs, and it is really rude of you to refer to them as crap. I feel embarrassed for you that you haven’t looked at this situation and realised that you are failing to make your daughter comfortable at your house. And if you don’t want her walking home from friends in the dark, then it’s your job to go out and pick her up - that is what parents do!

CatEatDogWorld · 22/12/2024 11:43

Just saw your update about her things. If this is true, why are the bags an issue for you? It doesn’t make sense. You also said you have “offered to buy her the same for yours” but then say that actually the things have come from your house. Which is it? Did you buy the hair straighteners and things she needs, but now you are referring to them as crap?

Warringstars · 22/12/2024 11:48

YeahWellWhoKnew · 22/12/2024 10:18

Sad times when most people pick up on a flippant word rather than give advice that's asked for.

  1. It was a word. Of course I don't say that to her
  2. I've offered to get her exactly the same stuff at my house. In actual fact, the straightners and most other stuff she takes is actually from my house, so she's taken it to her mums from mine but of course I don't stop that

You used crap both times you referred to the bags. It’s dismissive and insulting way to speak. Posters, who only have your words to go on, attach meaning to those you choose to use, and are concerned it’s indicative of your attitude towards her.

Lucytheloose · 22/12/2024 11:52

YeahWellWhoKnew · 22/12/2024 10:18

Sad times when most people pick up on a flippant word rather than give advice that's asked for.

  1. It was a word. Of course I don't say that to her
  2. I've offered to get her exactly the same stuff at my house. In actual fact, the straightners and most other stuff she takes is actually from my house, so she's taken it to her mums from mine but of course I don't stop that

So don't be flippant when talking about something that matters to your daughter. If you think of her belongings as crap, she will pick up on it.

Shouldnellly · 22/12/2024 11:57

When the kids were moving from house to house every week my daughter literally takes three bags of crap, hair straightness, makeup etc.

Fuck me, no wonder she doesn’t want to stay at yours if this is your view. It’s your fault as her parents she has to do this. My daughter’s dad and I bend over backwards to make having two homes as easy as possible for her but you seem to feel she should suffer. Lack of empathy is probably why she’d prefer to stay at her mums.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/12/2024 11:57

So what actually is it -
'have co parented, week about.'
or
' come every second weekend still '

if it's every other weekend have you increased your maintenance ?

I think the real issue is dd does not want to come back early in an evening after socialising with her friends

Lucytheloose · 22/12/2024 12:02

I think the real issue is dd does not want to come back early in an evening after socialising with her friends

Exactly. Most kids of her age want to see their friends and have a social life, and most parents try to facilitate this, even at some inconvenience to themselves. Why can't you pick up your daughter from her friends' homes, or pay for a taxi?

Rewis · 22/12/2024 12:23

she moans at them too much (she has got them into trouble at ours over the years).
What does this mean? Moans about what and in trouble how?

my daughter literally takes three bags of crap
You sure this attitude doesn't show to your daughter?

Their mum also lives closer to school and friends and drops kids off at school (get the bus from mine) and my daughter goes out with friends after school when at mums but when at mine, I make her come home earlier because I don't want her walking the distance on her own especially in the dark.
Kinda makes sense why 14yo wants to be at her mums more. But there is room for compromise at your end.

I see my wife and kids interact and it's all positive learning
What does this positive learning look like?

LoyalTaupeTiger · 22/12/2024 12:26

You don't really sound welcoming.

You say it's just a word. But it speaks volumes about how you feel. Why not buy all the 'crap' that's in the bags so she doesn't have to take it all with her, let her see her friends. And if it's too dark for her to travel home, go get her, or pay for taxi

pinkyredrose · 22/12/2024 12:30

How did she 'get them into trouble'?

Whatthefuck3456 · 22/12/2024 12:57

OP has asked for advice not for people to nit pick into what words used. OP don’t put your kids before your new wife, you’ve done what you can and asked, it’s likely your children wouldn’t like any partner you put in front of them. If it’s a happy marriage and your wife is treating your kids well then your winnning.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/12/2024 13:12

don’t put your kids before your new wife

Are you a mother? I have never in all my 16 yrs on mumsnet seen anyone who thinks that. Thankfully. Wow.

Whoyoutakingto · 22/12/2024 13:16

Teenagers especially say what the person asking wants to hear. So it’s a bit pointless asking them really. Like some other people have said as long as your wife is treating your children fairly then that’s fine. Basically you can’t win, if you let your DD stay out etc then your parenting would be called into question and if you make DD come home your seen as the bad guy. Once you accept this you are halfway there. Parenting isn’t a popularity contest IMO it’s making sure everyone is doing what they should be doing eg homework, chores, home on time and keeping everyone safe. My kids have said they hate me in the past when they didn’t get their own way. I just replied good because I am just doing what all parents should do. They are all older now and have made good choices and contribute to society, surely that’s the aim? Your current wife must be a better person than me because if I had no kids I wouldn’t be able to parent teenagers, credit to her.

Floralnomad · 22/12/2024 13:23

The bottom line here is that at 14 & 12 your children are old enough to decide where they want to spend their time and your house is a less attractive offering - bus to school , not staying out with friends etc , these things are very important to some children . Get over it , welcome her when she does visit and don’t make a big fuss about it .

FionaSkates · 22/12/2024 13:24

Three bags of crap? Money says that at least one of those, maybe two, are bags for life because she doesn’t have proper holdalls/overnight bags to carry her things in.

Why don’t you take her in a shopping trip one day, buy the essentials for your place as well as your wife’s and get her some proper luggage. Poor thing. Don’t put her on the spot . Let her come to you. X

Reugny · 22/12/2024 13:30

YeahWellWhoKnew · 22/12/2024 10:18

Sad times when most people pick up on a flippant word rather than give advice that's asked for.

  1. It was a word. Of course I don't say that to her
  2. I've offered to get her exactly the same stuff at my house. In actual fact, the straightners and most other stuff she takes is actually from my house, so she's taken it to her mums from mine but of course I don't stop that

The fact that you describe it as that to strangers means you are unconsciously giving that off when you talk to their mother and your wife about your daughter.

Regardless both your kids are old enough to decide when they want to come and see you.

Let them choose independently of each other when they want to come on the days you have already agreed.

Dads I know who don't forced their adolescence children to see them to a schedule and are interested in them, tend to find as their children mature they will want to spend time with them even if the place isn't the dad's home.

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