Kids don't like my wife.

[YeahWellWhoKnew]

Hi all. Divorced dad of 2, 14 boy and 12 girl. For last 7 years my ex wife and I have co parented, week about. No issues. I re married 2 years ago but new wife in my life 5 years and gets on fine with kids. A few weeks ago, my ex wife called to say my daughter wants to spend more time at hers and that both kids don't really like my wife and she moans at them too much (she has got them into trouble at ours over the years). I didn't say anything at the time because felt like ex wife was looking for a bite. I told my son what his mum said, he was shocked and said he absolutely liked my wife. I've asked my daughter a few times via message why she doesn't want to come to me as often but she's never answered she said she's happy to come every second weekend still.

When the kids were moving from house to house every week my daughter literally takes three bags of crap, hair straightness, makeup etc. Their mum also lives closer to school and friends and drops kids off at school (get the bus from mine) and my daughter goes out with friends after school when at mums but when at mine, I make her come home earlier because I don't want her walking the distance on her own especially in the dark.

Now I'm pretty sure the distance and bags of crap and friends are the main reasons because I see my wife and kids interact and it's all positive learning, but why not just say that. So do I leave it, let my daughter do what she's happy with, ask her about the not liking my wife or let it lie. I'm nervous I ask and she says yeah she doesn't like my wife then I'll be in a predicament. My ex wife has now told me my son felt like he had to lie to me and say he does like my wife, but apparently he doesn't.

A friend who's a psychologist told me that my daughter likely just wants her mum around more because she's developing physical and emotionally and used the getting into trouble as a reason because she doesn't really understand the reason deep down herself.

My wife has no children of her own and we don't plan on having either.

Just looking for some thoughts please.

re: the three bags of crap, you sound just like my kid's dad was about his DDs and how they got dressed for school.

FYI they both stopped staying with him completely.

He did eventually get back on DD2's good side by finally listening to me and buying the "crap" for his own house. When he passed away DD1 had not stayed at his house for over 5 years.

Listen to your kids or you risk loosing them.

I would agree. It doesn’t matter that you don’t say that to her face. The fact that you write it here, naturally and without thinking, shows a real disregard for the things she feels she needs with her to make it feel like ‘home’.

I think you need to know how your children feel, from your children. In order to deal with it accordingly.
Then Is should be dealt with accordingly. There should be a resolve for all.

I honestly think the main driver is the teen thing. Your daughter in particular will be more likely to want to spend time at mum's as her social ties are there - friends, groups, activities etc. She will definitely hate lugging her daily essentials (not crap!!) back and forth, something will invariably be left at the wrong location almost every time - this will be a tragedy to a teen! She will not want to miss out on whatever is going on in her friendship group to spend time miles away with her dad and stepmum - it's no contest.

At this age many girls are a bit more bonded to their mother than their dad, it's a phase of adolescence. She'll be asserting her own independence away from both parents as part of that process, personally I think mums understand this better than dads as they have likely behaved the same at a similar age and it's different to the teen boy experience.(generalising here).

Saying she dislikes your wife is can be an easier out than articulating whatever else she's feeling, especially if she resents whatever happened when she was given into trouble due to wife. But, this only applies if your daughter and wife have genuinely had a mostly decent relationship.

You could just have a casual chat with her to ask if she feels everything is ok between her and your wife, perhaps tell her you love her coming over and she can change her plans when it suits. As long as she knows you are available for her.

OP I think that you need to be realistic about this lifestage. You've had some good advice about teenage girls, the prioritisation of friends and how living between two households usually changes around this time. Things can't always stay the same even if you wish it would and all you can do is make the best of it.

I think it's probably a combination of

• not getting a lift to school
• not being allowed out with friends after school
• having to constantly pack & unpack clothes & make up
• having to think about what to remember for school in advance

Only you can know how they get on with your wife. Maybe they find her stricter, less willing to do things for them (like run them into school).

Do you ever do anything with your children on your own or is wife always there too? Maybe they would like to see you on your own a bit more?

I think it's quite common for older teens to just want to be based in one home. Teenagers can be hard work in general so maybe you're overthinking it!

Well there are a few things here.

What is OK to talk abouy at the dinner table when people are eating- this is good table manners not to talk about bodily fluids, whatever they may be. I think you can set some dinner table rules here. Unless the boys are all talking about poo and wee, in which case then you have created a free for all. Otherwise, setting rukes around dinner is just preparing them for adulthood.

Talking to you about sexual things - i think you need to clear with her mum what she is confortable with you talking about to her. Then set your own boundaries on top of that.

Attention seeking and shock factor - can you maybr do something girly with her, go and get your nails done or walk round the shops, try and build a relationship that is separate from what the boys do.

It's pretty easy. The arrangement is 50/50 one week at each parent, his daughter doesn't want to do that anymore but is happy staying with Dad every other weekend.

If I were her, I'd prefer that too just because I'd get to see my friends more, would get a lift to school, and wouldn't be lugging lots of bags about every week.

I think it was a bit of a bad idea to curtail her evenings, instead you could have facilitated them by picking her up or paying for a taxi.

I think the getting the bus to school and stopping her being out comes across as a lack of facilitation on your part. Yes it's good to teach independence, but I also think parents need to go out of their way for their children sometimes. So picking her up later from her friends' houses would be a good way of doing that. I appreciate it might not be logistically possible for school.