Raising boys - advice please

[LeopardSnow]

Looking for tips / advice / guidance specifically about parenting / raising boys. I’m a woman married to a woman, and we both grew up with sisters - I have brothers too but they were much older and we weren’t kids at the same time - so basically neither of us have much experience of being / being around / raising boys.

Obviously I know all the basic parenting is the same for boys and girls and you get plenty of boys who don’t conform to stereotypes and vice versa so I don’t really need to be told to just love them and let them be themselves etc. In reality there often are some differences and especially once they get to school boys and girls will face different pressures, peer expectations and environments and I want to make sure I’m equipped to raise a happy, thriving son who feels good about being whatever sort of boy he is.

We’ve got a 3.5 year old boy and a 1.5 year old girl. Looking for any wisdom or advice from parents with boys (dad views particularly welcomed) about what challenges their boys faced, what really helped them or boy specific stuff. Any books you’d recommend found really useful would be good too.

For example a friend with boys told me she wished she’d taught her son at least the basics of football before he started school, as regardless of whether he was super into it or not, being able to play a little functioned as a sort of social currency and way to make friends

You can rear your son to be a good man (and it's plain from the fact that you're even thinking about all this that you will) but something you can't do is show him how to be a good man. Most if not all boys look to a man or men from whom they implicitly or explicitly learn what it is to be a man. Putting good men, in real life, in his way is the best way of achieving this. Who those men are will depend on your circle and your son's interests; whether they involve football, ballet or coding.

It was always my opinion that there are a lot of sons being raised without fathers on the scene, or fathers who are only marginally present or interested in their child’s life, and therefore it’s insensitive to discuss how important it is for children (especially boys) to have fathers or positive male role models in their life when sadly so many boys don’t have that.

There are a lot of shitty men out there who think nothing of just abandoning their children or playing the smallest role possible in their life and as a society it’s not nice to think that a child’s (more specifically, a boy’s) emotional development or character development will be negatively affected by that, let alone discuss it in depth.

Watching with interest, as a lesbian currently expecting a baby, sex unknown!

personally I feel that between us my partner and I have a diverse enough range of skills and interests to support our child in their needs and interests and offer them a range of approaches, be that physical, emotional etc (eg I am very physical, need exercise, played various sports, partner is very crafty, loves fancy dress, both like the outdoors, food and reading). I don’t think you need a parent of a particular biological sex to do this. I’ve actually worked as a carer as well, so would feel pretty confident at teaching someone how to shave their face.

we also have a lovely brother in law who will be a truly fantastic uncle, who is a kind and thoughtful man, and a couple of grandads who are likewise.

where I am very keen to learn is practical things - a good example already mentioned on this thread is relevant male hygiene needs, and I want to know about any particular male specific health red flags that I would hate to miss because I don’t know to look out for them.

i can’t get on board with the idea of a child being taught “how to be a man”, because there is no one way to be a man, likewise no one taught me to “be a woman”. I do womanhood very differently to how my mother and sister do it.

I do wonder if there is significance in having a male figure who can really understand a boy’s experiences of the world and relate to them and offer constructive, empathetic support and guidance, so they can feel really well understood. I didn’t do high school as a boy, I did it as an outed lesbian which brought its own hellish challenges, but if I have a son, his experience in the world will differ from mine, and I accept that there may be times where an older positive man will have a helpful perspective that I simply can’t have, having never been that.

Teach your children to be polite, kind, considerate, and capable. Teach them to solve problems and disagreements peacefully, and that violence or taking advantage of superior size or strength or voice is never an option.

There's no harm at all in letting them get involved in sports, music, art, reading, etc.

If your little boy gravitates toward activities involving spatial awareness (throwing, catching, aiming, and kicking balls, playing with vehicles, etc) don't try to curb that. Alternatively, if he likes art, reading, pr pretend play, don't curb that either. Chances are he'll be like most boys and like a good deal of both.

Encourage him to read, though, and find good books for him that will nurture his imagination and provide models of peaceful problem solving. There's a strong chance he'll get some flak in school if it's known he likes reading.

You're going to have to help him push through many gendered expectations as he enters the world of school. Masculinity tends to be a very heavily policed club.

I agree with this. I was a single mother divorced from a very angry man when my DS was in his early teens. I will be forever grateful to the kind, lovely men who treated my son as one of their own. They were fathers of his friends, coaches, and teachers. None of them were perfect, but they were all much better role models as fathers, husbands, and men pulling their weight in the community than my ex was.

@Quickdraw23
"i can’t get on board with the idea of a child being taught “how to be a man”, because there is no one way to be a man"

In theory I agree with you. The problem is that there are so many ways that society is showing boys how to be shitty men that I do think we actively have to show them positive ways.

I'm sorry I haven't got time to read all of this just now, but I really recommend a book called 'He'll be O.K' by Celia Lashlie. I found it really useful.

@LeopardSnow Hi OP. I think the biggest thing you can do for your boy is surround him with positive role models who can show and teach him how to make a positive contribution to society and not become an offender of violence against women and girls. People who will tell him not to walk closely behind a woman with his hood up as a he gets older, how to express his confidence without being aggressive or frightening, how to recognise and meet his own emotional needs so he doesn't abuse others etc.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-raise-boys-not-predators_b_5a202311e4b064ca3c15129e

We have two boys and honestly I've never given it much thought. They're both lovely boys and neither into football either despite both me and my DH having played up until recently.

I would say for me, the only thing I've really considered is manners and to respect women/elders etc. I often ask them to help carry mummy's bags, open doors for me/others when we're out, that sort of thing.

I’m not disagreeing with that sentiment, and hopefully that comes across in the rest of my post, I was certainly trying to make that clear - I just question whether that is “being a man” or “being a decent human”, and whether the sex of the adult teaching this positivity is essential? is that semantics? Possibly. But I wouldn’t want a daughter to behave in a chauvinistic and derogatory way to other women (or men!) either.

I wrote a whole bit in here about some history and defensiveness around the “need for a father” being enshrined in law but it was a derail and not pertinent to the OPs question, so I have left it out 😂

but I acknowledge there are specific concerns about messages and content aimed at boys, and very worrisome behaviour (ie the Andrew Tate issue, the incel corner of the internet, pornography. I am also concerned about the messages re body image and the widespread abuse of steroids amongst young men that is seldom talked about) that need active countering.

@Quickdraw23 "But I wouldn’t want a daughter to behave in a chauvinistic and derogatory way to other women (or men!) either."

I agree. But generally speaking that's jot considered a positive trait for girls/women. And sadly it often is for boys/men.

DH definitely talks to other men about football m, if they have nothing in common or are stuck for something to talk about.

He's not a massive football fan, but has been known to say of particularly boring men, "I couldn't even talk to him about football!"

I've got 5 boys, and none of them have ever shown the slightest bit of interest in football. It's never hindered them in any way. They made friends at school with the other boys who weren't into football. They went to uni, or college, got jobs, and their lack of interest in football has never been an issue. Their dad didn't like football, his dad didn't either. All have got in life without talking about it. My DP doesn't like it, nor does his son. They all have a wide variety of other things they can talk about.

It says more about people who are into football and can't talk about anything else really!

As for raising boys in general I've made sure mine know how to do all the housework. We share it now they are older - they do their own washing, can cook a variety of meals, wash up, shop etc. They know it's not just one persons job in a household.

They are all polite and thoughtful. I'm quite proud of how lovely they are.

Oh, and they all think Andrew Tate is a complete knob. They worked it out for themselves, so good critical thinking skills!

Most of the time I was winging it, so am sometimes amazed at how well they've turned out!

Obviously they have their moments when they are pains in the arse, but generally they are quite nice!

Same as mine. I don’t think a football match has ever been on in our house and neither of mine have supported a team or voluntarily played a football match. Both now young adult. None of their friends seem at all interested either, though one of them does play rugby at his uni. I was brought up in a football mad household (though I wasn’t interested myself) and until I was an adult I didn’t realise that not all males care about football, it was quite a (welcome) revelation.

Teach DS about asking for permission. It’s never too early for them to learn that no means no. Don’t let him take a toy from his sister without asking her first and check that she did say ‘yes’.

As others have mentioned, anything by Steve Biddulph is just fabulous for thinking about the influences on our little ones, raising thriving, happy children.

I follow him on social media too, and love the regular articles and stories he shares. Reminds me to strive to be a compassionate person and to raise compassionate, resilient, respectful people.

Lots of responses focused on the football thing which you included as just an example! We are absolutely not a football house, but have always had footballs as part of the general play equipment in the house. At a minimum, kicking a ball around is good for balance and coordination.

All 3 DC wanted to play with the local club from age 6/7 but also joined other sports clubs so wouldn't have said football was particularly important to them at school. In saying that, it is the sport they all enjoyed the most when younger - it's so accessible and requires almost no equipment. Pretty much just the ability to run around with a bit of enthusiasm!

As they got older, I found scouting really valuable for the development of resilience, independence, respect (for people and place) and common sense skills. Generally, scouting also comes with exposure to good influence from adult leaders and also older children within their cohort, and well as older children in the group at larger events. It helped to push me out of my (sometimes overly) protective comfort zone!

I have a boy and WOW , energy is absolute next level. He's 3 next week. He needs a lot of exercise and physical exertion.

I really liked Mothering Our Boys by Maggie Dent an interesting read. She’s Australian and it’s only available on kindle in the UK as far as I can tell.

I have boys and girls and a male partner and beyond their actual genitals I can't think of something particularly gender related about raising them.
None of them have been particularly into football but neither are DH and me.
DH isn't particularly rough-and-tumbly so there hasn't really been an aspect of boys having to fight or wrestle with their dad in our house.
The youngest two children (boy and girl) are constantly fighting/wrestling with each other though.
Energy levels or need to be outside hasn't appeared to be related to genitals yet.

We encouraged both my DS and DD to find their thing! DS was rugby (still plays now) and DD (after trying lots of different groups and clubs) hers was gymnastics. DS played for a team from a young age and DS was in a competitive club for several years and she also trained as a coach. For them it became fundamental in the growth of their personality; teamwork skills, determination, work ethic, healthy eating, fitness, trying your best, losing and winning, communication, I mean the list is endless. Sport in any form can be hugely important and can teach them so much.