Daughter's "Best Friend" is Pulling Away

[MotheringIsRuf]

My DD (age 11) has been very close with a girl for the past few years. More recently, there have been signs that the friend has been pulling away. I have noticed that she doesn't want to hang with my child as much and my DD is the one often inititiating time together - often without follow through on the part of the other child.

Over the past two years, our families have gone camping together. This year, our family was not included in the event while other "new families" were included. I honestly didn't mind since it's cold but it is strange as I had spent time with the mother of her friend the weekend before - just the two of us. She never mentioned camping to me either. My daughter was quite hurt as the kids were chatting about how fun it was at school. She has very strong emotional control and was able to not let her hurt show. I honestly felt more angry about it since I feel like there are deliberate 'secrets' and now I feel guarded around them.

This weekend the friend is having her birthday party. My daughter is invited to the party but not the "after sleepover" with a more intimate group. She has been included in the past. She cried her way to school today - a child that rarely cries - she could not regain composure. I encouraged her to skip school but she still went. I am heart broken for her.

How do I help navigate this with her? I could take her for a mother-daughter day and try to occupy her mind and see how she feels about skipping the party? The change in the dynamic feels very strange to me and I want to provide guidance without creating more issues for her.

Oh gosh...whilst I have no advice I couldn't read and not reply. Thats awful. Your poor DD 😞

I have a son a little older but boys tend not to have this type of stuff going on. I'm more disappointed in the parents behaving like this tbh.

Does your daughter know others are staying on for a sleepover? I'd probably let her still go to the party if she wanted...maybe arrange a sleepover or something very fun with another friend soon. Encourage her to widen her circle a little.

We had similar situation with a camping trip whereby a family we have done alot of stuff with us just ditched us for another family!!! Their child has huge issues and we stood by them when no one else did! People can be such assholes!!!

It’s a tough one isn’t it.
In my experience 11 and 12 was the age my daughter’s friendship group changed significantly. She moved away from the people she had always been friends ( those she made friends with because they were on the same table at school in reception) with and gravitated towards people she had real things in common with. These have been more successful friendships with a sound base.

Regarding the party - I'd say it's up to your daughter.

Regarding the general situation - encourage her to make other friends. Being so reliant on just one friend is quite an unhealthy dynamic. Talk to your daughter about how people change, how they form different views and different interests and they will want different friends to share them with. Encourage her to think about what she likes and is interested in, and what her values are, and what sort of friends she would like to have.

It's quite normal for girl friendships to fracture around age 10 - partly due to different rates of maturity and them starting to develop more of their own identity. when she was that age, my DD literally looked at all of her existing friends and decided she had nothing in common with them any more and made some new ones (as it turned out she became friends with some of them again when they got older).

It is a perfectly normal thing to happen at this age as their development and interests diverge. I would ensure she has lots of activities with groups of peers.

Thank you so much for your response. As an adult, I am fine with the wavering relationships and know the mother has had some trauma growing up. I think she struggles a little to go deep in her adult friendships so maybe this is carrying over to her child. I think my daughter is struggling cause it feels like her first heartbreak.

My son is younger but his friendships just seem easier. I don't know if its just his personality. I also realize I may carry my own baggage from childhood so my daughter's situation hits me harder.

Thank you for responding. I appreciate you!

You encouraged her to skip school??
It's hard at this age. She needs to widen her friendship circle if she can.

It's just one of those things OP. Kids grow apart, they don't always stay close friends.

It sounds like the other child isn't being actively unkind, she just doesn't want to be as close to your DD as she used to be.

The best thing you can do is encourage your DD to make more friends and expand her social groups, and to learn resilience. This is one of those things that could happen several times in a child's life unfortunately.

Your daughter's experience resonated with me.I had a best friend from age 7 to around 12. We spent a lot of time together and had a lot of fun. But at 12 (first year of secondary) she started pulling away from me and hanging out with other 'cooler' kids. We never had an argument, it was more a gradual withdrawal and I knew I wasn't wanted. I was very hurt at the time and had a lonely few months until I established some new friendships. I don't think it's an uncommon experience at that age unfortunately.

It's going to be a hard few weeks or months for her but it's important that you stay positive and reassure her that it will all work out and there will be benefits to making new friends. Certainly do not encourage her to skip school - that won't help at all.

I would encourage DD to actively spend time with other friends and make new friends. I think the real heartache comes when kids (and adults really) have too many eggs in one basket. I would jolly her along with fun ideas and plans and encourage new friendships. Avoid dwelling on this with her.

For starters I would absolutely not be encouraging her to skip school over a birthday party. It’s really tough at this age when friendships start to change, but the truth is, they do, and learning to navigate those is all a part of growing up.

In truth very few primary friendships last beyond y7 anyway because people move in different directions and friendships change as children develop their own personalities and sense of what they really want from a friendship.

I would very much tell her that as hard as it is, friendships do change. It doesn’t mean anyone has done anything wrong, it just means that they’re all growing up, and there will come a time where she too has altering feelings about friendships.

I would also encourage her to make new friends, because she doesn’t need to be solely dependent on this one girl. In fact I wonder if this is what the other mother is doing - encouraging her daughter to branch out and make some more friendships on the basis this friendship might not survive anyway once they go to secondary.

This all rings true. I think she has to be ok letting go and making herself available for new friendships. I think the feeling of rejection is making it hard for her to put herself out there with others.

I do find it strange that the friend's mother still wants to get together with me while the daughter is pulling back. The mother is clearly aware given we aren't included is some parts while she spends time with me. I guess I can't pretend everything is all right since it isn't for my kiddo.

This is sad, and I really feel for you as I have two daughters myself. However, please don’t encourage her to skip school, ever! She did the right thing by going in. One of mine was a school refuser for a while. Avoid that at all costs!

Only because we got to drop off and her face was bloated and spotty from crying. Just for the morning until she could compose herself. She has an excellent student and could handle a few hours to herself.

I would start encouraging her to make friends with some of the other children. Maybe invite one or two of them over or meet up somewhere. Is there an activity or hobby she would like to take up that might involve her meeting new people?

Has she started secondary school yet? Friendships get really mixed up then as children are assigned to different classes than their original friends from primary school - so that could take care of the problem in the long term.

The mother is just tacky. A and B lists for a children's party is bound to leave somebody feeling second best, it's bad enough when adults do it for weddings. Her attitude is bound to rub off on her daughter, which doesn't make that girl a strong candidate for a close friendship tbh.

Oh that's totally fair. It was only because we arrived and she as so upset it felt strange letting her out of the car and not protecting her.

As an adult, I am fine with the wavering relationships and know the mother has had some trauma growing up. I think she struggles a little to go deep in her adult friendships so maybe this is carrying over to her child. I think my daughter is struggling cause it feels like her first heartbreak.

You are making too much out of this and attempting to pathologize normal behaviour by both the friend and her mother rather than just recognising that friendships change at this age. Yes it can be hurtful and unsettling but you should be encouraging your daughter to strengthen other friendships, rather than getting too intense and talking about heartbreak.

The big party then some people leave while the chosen few stay? That's truly shitty for the ones leaving.

That's happened before you say?

Sadly sums up the parents and daughter. I'd been actively seeking new friends for your dd. It'll just get worse.

Thank you. This is very helpful. I should clarify, the 'skipping school' was just that she was so overwhelmed and spotty from crying that I wanted her to get a breather. We don't skip school - in fact she has perfect attendance - and I felt she deserved to feel better before sending her in. But I see that resilience comes from going through hard things. Thank you!

We had almost exactly same thing happen with our DD at that age. Funnily enough she's now back to being close with 'Jane' who it all concerned (they are 19 now).

I'm afraid my feelings towards the parents changed when I went to pick her up from 'Jane's' party and discovered DD was the only one from the school friendship group to not be invited to the sleepover. We were all 'friends' at the time and I couldn't believe they would do that to DD.

I'm glad I just quietly stepped away from them and didn't say anything as 'Jane' is often at our house these days.

DD has long since got over it but I hold a grudge 😅

I have no real advice but I would say make sure you don’t try to help them back together- I’ve done this in the past and ended up prolonging a split that was obviously destined to happen. A pre party and slumber party for less people is honestly the least thought out idea ever! Whatever happens remember how life was at that age, there honestly might not be any cruelty involved, the other child might just be on a different page, have different interests etc

Thank you! I feel like the quiet separation will be good. No need to cause churn by saying anything but will help her see that they need time apart.

The friend's mother is happy to meet up with you because she thinks that you are friends in your own right and don't have to come as a package with your children. Whereas you seem very overinvested in your daughter's friendship. I understand it's upsetting to see your child be unhappy, but to be heartbroken?

Blaming the friend pulling away as being due to her mother's trauma overspilling onto her, rather than just accepting this is a normal part of growing up, is also a very extreme analysis of the situation.

OP I would absolutely have also suggested skipping school. She's going to learn this lesson either way, so no harm her taking a day off when so upset - she chose not to of course which is amazing of her just don't agree that you did the wrong thing. My mum would always let me have a day off if I didn't feel mentally up to it and I have a very strong work ethic good career and academics etc - my point being having the odd day off isn't the end of the world!

Agree with @redskydarknight

it is very normal for kids at this age to re-group and find new friends, I am sure your daughter will find new friends too

yes the party set-up sounds a bit I’ll-thought-out , but you never saw it as problematic until your daughter was no longer in that inner circle…

I agree that the mum probably sees you s as a friend and a separate relationship from your daughters

good luck navigating it all, it sounds tricky but I think your DD has the right instincts and is just facing it and dealing with it in her own way

Fair point about the sleepover part... its challenging because the other girls are still included and my daughter is aware its happening... but true point. She is the first to be excluded from what was the 'inner circle'. That said, I get that I was ok with it until I wasn't.

While I can see the friendship with the mother being separate, we spoke about upcoming plans and I had invited her to do a few things. She never said she was busy due to camping - she made up other things - so I guess my struggle is that I don't feel comfortable in that relationship either. Aren't friendships supposed to be transparent to a certain extent?