Daughter's "Best Friend" is Pulling Away

[MotheringIsRuf]

My DD (age 11) has been very close with a girl for the past few years. More recently, there have been signs that the friend has been pulling away. I have noticed that she doesn't want to hang with my child as much and my DD is the one often inititiating time together - often without follow through on the part of the other child.

Over the past two years, our families have gone camping together. This year, our family was not included in the event while other "new families" were included. I honestly didn't mind since it's cold but it is strange as I had spent time with the mother of her friend the weekend before - just the two of us. She never mentioned camping to me either. My daughter was quite hurt as the kids were chatting about how fun it was at school. She has very strong emotional control and was able to not let her hurt show. I honestly felt more angry about it since I feel like there are deliberate 'secrets' and now I feel guarded around them.

This weekend the friend is having her birthday party. My daughter is invited to the party but not the "after sleepover" with a more intimate group. She has been included in the past. She cried her way to school today - a child that rarely cries - she could not regain composure. I encouraged her to skip school but she still went. I am heart broken for her.

How do I help navigate this with her? I could take her for a mother-daughter day and try to occupy her mind and see how she feels about skipping the party? The change in the dynamic feels very strange to me and I want to provide guidance without creating more issues for her.

Those who are saying it is normal are wrong. Plenty of dc don’t get excluded by their friends. A few do.

DC don't get excluded by their actual friends. What happens is that friendships change and your previous best friend is now a much lesser friend, or possibly not even an actual friend, just someone they chat to occasionally.

It can be tricky (as in this case) if one person feels more strongly about the friendship than the other. OP's DD clearly thinks of the other girl as still being her best friend. Whereas friend thinks of OP's DD as someone she quite likes, but is no longer one of her closest friends. And she is treating her accordingly.
This will not have happened overnight, it's just that OP's DD has not put two and two together.

when my DD was 9 her best friend since nursery told her that she wasn't inviting her to her party that year as she still liked her, but she could only invite a few people and DD wasn't part of her main friendship group any more. DD's response was to agree with former best friend and not be bothered - she knew they weren't as close any more, they could still enjoy their friendship at a different level, but she didn't really expect to be invited to a party with a few close friends only. DD also had her own closer friends to fall back on.

I think the trouble here is that OP's DD hasn't realised the shift in friendship until it was suddenly made abundantly clear, and it was therefore a huge shock and left her utterly bereft, hence the upset.

I think it's really normal at that age. I've certainly seen it in my dc friendships. We went through a tough time friendship wise in Year 7 but it's all worked out and dd has the most loveliest 'best friend' now, someone she only met in year 8.

Wrt the sleepover thing. It's quite normal in my dc friendship group to have a friend or two staying over on the night of their party. My dd has an upcoming party and there's 15 coming and my house isn't big enough to accommodate 15 so they can have 1 to stay. Last year it was a different friend as that's just the way the friendships were at that time.

I don't appreciate a two tier party system, effectively an A and Z list. I wouldn't accept the invitation to these parties, don't the parents realise how rude it is?

OP, friendships do change a lot at this age, It can be really tough for the children and parents alike, who have to deal with the upset. Tell your DC how wonderful they are and encourage them to have a wider circle of friends.

During the early years, friendships can be parent led. As the kids grow, they realise they don't actually have that much in common with the kids of their parents friends, and go find their own tribe. The friends they choose themselves without parental involvement. I have started to see quite a lot of upset with parents themselves falling out. This never ends well!

Conversely I’ve seen primary friendships endure beyond university. It’s not a given that girls move on and change friendships. It’s fairly standard once they get to secondary with lots more dc to choose from. At primary most seem to stay friends from what I’ve observed. A shift from one child away from another is very difficult to navigate at 10 years old. Of course dc don’t see it coming.

There are dc that float around all sorts of loose friendship groups. I realised my DD was one of those but she didn’t want to be permanently on the outside looking in. It does feel like exclusion - and it is. It’s not DDs fault - but other groups form and parents facilitate such groups. Unfortunately the op was friendly with this parents so now it feels even worse. Starting again at secondary is probably the only answer and trying to widen friendships now. However easier said than done as groups are formed and they don’t necessarily want to accommodate anyone else.

OP - I’d also give some thought about your DD’s birthday. We didn’t do a y6 party. As she was very young in the year we knew she’d been invited to next to nothing during the year so it was a no brainer to not do one. She had a birthday lunch out with 5 others in y5. There are theatre trips etc that dc can enjoy with family and dd might like this form of celebration.

These are great ideas. Thank you. And I do think the idea of a more intimate birthday for her (when the time comes) would be both easier for me and more memorable for her.

You could look at going to a sports event eg football), a meal out, theatre, Christmas wonderland if it’s a Christmas birthday, any event designed for dc! It’s less stressful.

This exact thing happened my 10 year old DS a few weeks ago. He was invited to the party and the other boys were excited about the sleepover..it was the first he had heard of it. So tricky because he and the birthday boy were previously never out of eachother's houses and had sleepovers etc. I was heartbroken for him, and he had serious fomo, but he put a brave face on it and I tried not to over think. In our case I know that the reason for not inviting my DS to the sleepover was more to do with the mum than anything my DS has done wrong (my elder DS was bullied by her elder DS, and she wasnt pleased that we raised an issue with the school).
For me, I cant understand how adults can choose to deliberately and quite obviously exclude a child, and it is hard not to have hurt feelings about it, but perhaps ultimately it is a character building experience?
Im sure you feel like you need to 'make up' for her disappointment somehow. We did some activities together and have made a mental note to try and encourage other friendships, in the knowledge that in about a year, secondary school will bring opportunities for brand new friendships and a bigger pool of friends to choose from.

Thank you so much! I know this is temporary and appreicate your insight based on a similar experience. True that secondary is right around the corner and that will come quickly.

Great ideas! Thank you! I will suggest these to her.

Oh I am so sorry to hear this! I agree with everyone here though, I think your daughter needs to widen her circle of friends and maybe you can help by finding other family’s similar to you look online on social media ask around if anyone has kids your daughters age at work or church heck I’d even ask family and friends!! Maybe she could join a sport or a club at school or a girls club I’d do some digging and see what’s offered for youth where you live…. School or even pediatricians normally have tons of information for parents about this type of thing!! Look into any kind of support groups out there that help children connect safely maybe even look for mom resources like a mommy group and you’ll find other moms who are in the same boat as you…. We have the boys and girls club it’s like an after school program/daycare for kids of all ages and a lot of great friendships are made that way! There’s the Girls club, ymca, Girl Scouts, things like that, however I’m the United States so we have lots of resources and support for kids you just have to find it and word of mouth is a great start plus by you putting yourself out there a little you might just find her a new best friend!! Also speak with the counselors at school( if you have one I’m nit sure if that’s something that is available at all schools ) but maybe ask their opinion on who might be a good fit for your little girl and maybe they can help ..they know the kids pretty well and they could even help initiate a meetup between the two!!! I would ask her as well about what she feels is going on and if she has any idea what might be going on but focus on how she’s feeling and doing bc kids at that age are vulnerable and we all know kids can be very very mean at any age so watch for signs that she’s being left out and keep an eye on the situation not to scare you but my daughter has a friend whom when she was younger and at a different school went through a horrible time she was in 5th grade and started cutting herself and eventually tried to commit suicide because she was constantly fighting for her place in the group and was always feeling left behind and like she was not liked and felt like she had no friends!! She felt like the butt if the joke all the time like they intentionally treated her badly bc they thought it was funny ! Bullying her Until she couldn’t take it anymore! She’s older now and doing great and my daughter and her are best friends but her mother shared that information with me which was crazy difficult but knowledge is power and my girl was going through some things in the 9th grade and the mother didn’t want me to miss any signs bc she did and almost lost her daughter bc of it so it’s important to be active and present in children’s lives !!! I would be worried that if this friend is in a sense slowly breaking up their friendship that maybe the way she is heading isn’t in a direction you would want your child to go so it could be a blessing in disguise! Just stay involved and get her an outlet that way she is busy and she will widen her circle more and friendships will come !!!! One day girls are besties then the next day their enemies at that age so just do your best! U mentioned that your family’s were friends I would speak with the mother about it and just flat out ask what’s going on ? You are your daughter advocate her voice and sometimes we have to do things that are a bit uncomfortable to protect or help our children and this would be something I would definitely discuss with the other parent because maybe it’s a misunderstanding maybe something happened that your not aware of really you’ll never know unless you ask and if ultimately it’s just something that you don’t have any control over then at least your not wondering and you can help her move forward and move on! Good luck friendship breakups are harder than boyfriend breakups at that age so just keep being present and doing what you’re doing!! Best of luck

I do feel for you and your DD OP but as others have said, it is part and parcel of what happens. as hurtful as it is now, no doubt she’ll find her tribe and soon she will have forgotten how rubbish shes feeling now. I think the key thing is to build resilience and explain that there are many other children in the same boat but she can use it as an opportunity to make new friends.

I say this as the mother of a child who was the other girl in this situation. My daughter has had a few close friends and over the years, for various reasons, she wasn't as happy with the friendships as much as she once was. As others have said, they mature at different rates, a couple of girls were into different things to DD and they grew apart. It happened about 5 different times with 5 different kids from about 11-15 and each of kids were really keen to keep the friendship going but my DD didn’t want to.

I wouldn’t be too hard on the mother as it’s difficult to navigate from the other side as well, trying to keep people happy but at the same time you want your child to be happy. I had messages asking if DD was ok bla bla and it was awkward because she didn’t want to upset anyone, she had simply outgrown the friendships and no longer viewed them in the same way.

Some of yeh girls got more clingy and that pushed my DD further away so the best thing you could do with for your DD would be ti encourage other friendships

Good luck

This is how it is with some friendships. Best focus on making new friends, having different people back for play dates and being resilient. The girl hasn’t been horrid to her, just built closer friendships with others and your DD should do the same

It’s not quite the same where one DD pulls away from a group of 5. They still have 4 left. So DD as just one child can drift off. There’s still a group. This is a child being ousted by a close friend and replaced. It’s not the same. Yes, DDs might change but they don’t have to make it so obvious. Plus what other kids are hanging around with no friends? They aren’t easy to find until secondary.