Daughter's "Best Friend" is Pulling Away

[MotheringIsRuf]

My DD (age 11) has been very close with a girl for the past few years. More recently, there have been signs that the friend has been pulling away. I have noticed that she doesn't want to hang with my child as much and my DD is the one often inititiating time together - often without follow through on the part of the other child.

Over the past two years, our families have gone camping together. This year, our family was not included in the event while other "new families" were included. I honestly didn't mind since it's cold but it is strange as I had spent time with the mother of her friend the weekend before - just the two of us. She never mentioned camping to me either. My daughter was quite hurt as the kids were chatting about how fun it was at school. She has very strong emotional control and was able to not let her hurt show. I honestly felt more angry about it since I feel like there are deliberate 'secrets' and now I feel guarded around them.

This weekend the friend is having her birthday party. My daughter is invited to the party but not the "after sleepover" with a more intimate group. She has been included in the past. She cried her way to school today - a child that rarely cries - she could not regain composure. I encouraged her to skip school but she still went. I am heart broken for her.

How do I help navigate this with her? I could take her for a mother-daughter day and try to occupy her mind and see how she feels about skipping the party? The change in the dynamic feels very strange to me and I want to provide guidance without creating more issues for her.

Your friend's daughter has a right to choose who to be friends with and who to be close to. This is not horrible. The friend's mum cannot and should not pressurise her daughter to make friendship decisions based on your feelings or your daughter's feelings. I know it's very sensitive, because your DD now isn't invited to things they've previously done together. You can support her, distract her and encourage her to invest in other friendships. It's really tough, as a parent, to see your child being hurt. This is a learning curve for both of you.

I see your point. Without going into all the context, there was background trauma shared with me by the mother and she does have a pattern of drawing hard lines with people. I do think some of that can be learned. But there is definitely a natural progression in relationships.

At the end of the day, whether it be natural or somewhat influenced, we have no control over the relationship desires on their end. I will work on following my daughter's lead on how she wants to navigate this relationship while encouraging her to look for new friendships. Also, working on my own thought patterns around relationships.

I appreciate your feedback.

Whatever you do OP do not turn this into a massive issue.

This is all completely natural as children get older and while it is hurtful its all part of building resilience.

Kids take their cues from us and you can sympathise with her but don't make a huge deal out of it.

I speak from bitter experience!

Thank you for the guidance. Makes sense. I haven't really talked to her about it aside from trying to help her during her upset on the way to school. Definitely don't want to make this bigger than it is... I guess I am spiraling a little since it's unusual to see her so upset.

I will follow her lead and support her but won't bring it up without cause or need. Appreciate you!

Weve had friends of both dc being annoying recently. Talking about parties then announcing dc are no invited as they went last year. Lamest excuse. Just dont talk about the party with people who arent invited.

I do feel sad when kids drift apart. Its obviously rude to invite some kids to different parts of a party as kids will likely talk about it and realise they are missing part.
It can be an issue where kids dont realise they are being drifted away from.
My youngest drifted from her friend group last year at 8. That was from nursery group. I think it was because she was feeling left out as the others were all meeting up due to siblings. I think often parent led friendships arent very lasting as the kids are placid and just friend who the parent presents.
Girls do seem to push to become best friends, pushing others out of the way.
Weve had so much unnecessary drama in y7/8 with one girl being very controlling -- she wouldnt allow my dc to bring a friend trick or treating! And has started arguments with almost the whole group. She also made up a story about dd the day before one of the groups birthday parties (dd was crying unsure if she should go). The girl is popular and causing her own social issues. It seems to be about wanti g to be centre of attention (ie not her party) plus dd is actually very similar to the other girl

There is so much good advice on this thread I’m going to bookmark it.
Nothing other than sympathy to add @MotheringIsRuf it’s so hard to see them go through this stuff but I have to remind myself that hopefully it’ll help to build resilience if they sort it out (mostly) by themselves.
As an aside the whole big party followed by smaller sleepover seems to be a big trend at DDs school and I hate it! It feels so exclusionary and it makes me think twice some of the parents if I’m honest. The only one where it felt remotely reasonable was when the party was a mixed group and only girls were allowed to sleepover.

Gosh I could have written this post! My DD is 12 and her entire friendship group has changed - not just her, but kids who I thought would be friends forever are barely speaking to each other. There's a lot of drama at this age, lots of 'who said what to who'.

I try to let it wash over me and not get involved. I encourage her to make new friends and try new activities. I point out that sometimes people are going through a big change and that changes them. I quietly seethe when she gets left out and the parents don't seem to give a shit. I try not to fall out with any parents because next week they might be best friends again. Hang in there OP!

Thank you. I appreciate the reminder that this isn't specific to her and its natural for the age.

I think you should not overthink.

It's not about the mums flipping childhood trauma 🙄 and she doesn't need to skip school.

It's absolutely normal at that age, it happens to almost every kid at some point.

Just keep her busy and talk to her about it a little, explain that friendships sometimes come and go a bit, and how it healthy to have different groups of friends so that you don't rely too much on one person.

I didn't let my dc have parties with an A list and B list. If my dc wanted a sleepover as well they could do it another time.

Who has a birthday party with a more intimate sleepover aspect? So she sends half the guests home halfway through? What parent would allow that!

Yes and party girl and the A list dc are bound to talk about the sleepover at the party in front of the B list kids so they feel left out. 🙄

OP id be questioning my friendship with this girls mother based on the fact she's allowed this strange two tier party thing to happen. That's cruel. I think as parents we should all have a level of empathy of sensitivity to other people's children, and whilst I understand you can't always include everyone you can teach your child to be respectful and kind.

My DD was recently invited to a small birthday party, (usually her age group have done whole class parties) and I have made sure to explain to her she shouldn't talk about it in front of other people as they could feel left out and their feelings may be hurt. Even then though the birthday girl wasn't sending people home halfway through!

I think the mum and daughter day is a great idea, just don't make it about this friend, and encourage your daughter to make other connections.

This having a bigger day party and then a select few invited to stay over has started happening in my daughters friendship group now too! I have to admit to thinking it totally bizarre. My daughter has been on both sides, the one that has to go home and the one that can stay. It's not something I could ever do, feels so cruel to the ones that have to go home and the other girls gloating that they get to stay.

I can’t see that encouraging her to skip school when things get tough is a good idea. What kind of life message does that give her.

Try to model taking it on the chin. Don’t show that you feel so heart broken and anxious. If you seem confident and say, ah you can take this as an opportunity to broaden your circle of friends, then she will see it in a positive light. Of course she’s going to feel hurt, but this is normal.

It is wise to have a wide group of friends because you can’t always rely on people. Things happen!

Sounds grim. Only solution is for her to build other friendships and back off herself, same way we would as adults. She doesn’t need to chase anyone.Is there a different environment she can make friends in, ie a club? Will they move school soon? Think the parents are not being great. But it is what it is - help her broaden her wings and it’s a (hard) life lesson

It’s awful seeing your children upset and feeling excluded, when she talks to you validate her feelings, let her know how awesome she is and tell her she will make more friends. Mum and daughter day is a great idea, encourage her to invite other people over and give her lots of love.

Totally understand your point. I have not offered this to her before - she has perfect attendance. The offer to skip or go late to school was because she had been crying on her way to school and it felt very vulnerable to send her into school having been so visibly upset. Agree that it would not teach resilience to skip out on hard life things generally - it was a unique situation.

It's probably not unique though; get used to it, it happens sooo much over the next few years.

@MotheringIsRuf Those who are saying it is normal are wrong. Plenty of dc don’t get excluded by their friends. A few do. My DD1 experienced being excluded from parties by dc whom she thought were friends and had come to her parties each year. I would wait for her outside school and parents would say “see you tomorrow - at the party” and obviously I’d say DD1 hadn’t been invited. I’m not great at lying. She went to one party in y5. 2 in Y6. By y6 she was going to a totally different secondary school to all the others. It was best to start again. I would be inclined to swerve the party.

20 years on, DD has more friends than anyone I know. It was a complete change at secondary and she never looked back.

Somehow you have to manage the disappointment - when parties were going on, we went out somewhere special. You must hold your nerve and be certain things will improve. I’ve no idea why my DD was excluded at primary school - she was fun and lovely. Still is.

The last straw for us was DD coming home from school and saying she was invited to a party the next day. I’d heard 20 dc were going. I asked if she’d had a written invitation and obviously there wasn’t one. To check the validity of the invite, I phoned the mum. She seemed surprised. She hesitated on the phone and I heard her ask her DD why on earth she had invited another child. There weren’t enough party bags, space etc. I put the phone down and accepted the offer from the alternative school. I cannot pretend it’s not upsetting but you have to withdraw from the situation and do something else. Best of luck.

Oh bless her, it's so hard and I remember that feeling of being left out 😢 friendships can be so intense at this age and often wax and wane during the secondary school years. Encourage your daughter to distance herself a little bit and hang out with other friends - maybe host a sleepover and sort out some weekend activities with other girls so she has plans of her own to look forward to. In general, it's best to encourage a wide circle of friends rather than one or two intense best friends - the fallings out are less upsetting then!

Thank you for sharing your experience. So hard but also appreciate hearing how wonderfully your DD is doing now.

Yes. They move onto middle or secondary school next year and several schools converge on this campus. It will provide an opportunity to meet new friends. She will have more electives, etc which will hopefully create opportunities for things in common. She does play volleyball outside of school and enjoys her time with her teammates. It's a nice distraction.

At that age my best friend suddenly declared “I have wasted five years of my life being friends with you” and it totally broke me. I had plenty of people to hang out with but the loss of that connection was really hard.
I did have friends after that but nothing close again until sixth form. In some ways it was a good lesson in having backups. But it was devastating at the time. Best thing for your daughter is to move on from her and find new people. Multiple people because this age is tricky.