Mother in law issues

[girlmum1996]

Hi…

I am new here and not sure if this type of post will be allowed or if I am even in the right place for this topic but urgently looking for advice or if anyone has been in a similar situation.

Will happily go into detail if this post gets a response…

But has anyone had any major issues with mother in laws resulting in them not seeing the grandchild and now trying to demand contact through a solicitor?

Thanks

If you report your own OP you can ask for your thread to be moved to Legal.

Have a read:

commonslibrary.parliament.uk/what-rights-do-grandparents-have-to-see-their-grandchildren/#:~:text=In%20England%20and%20Wales%2C%20grandparents,or%20via%20a%20court%20order.

I'd not go to mediation! You gave her a chance and it didn't work out.

Her telling you to get abortion would be enough for me to block her. I'd not want her around my child unsupervised.

I think it telling that her own son is NC with her.

If you feel anxious and can afford it, see a solicitor, but she has no relationship with your child and I'd be personally not worried about her trying to scare you off with solicitor letters.

Why is she NC with her son?

Ok that is reassuring, thank you so much.

I will avoid at all costs and see how far she pushes for court. As I am sure there will be fees involved in this, that surely she would need to cover - therefore I am not sure it would get to this stage, however I would not put anything past her.

I know, it was awful and just to add - the solicitor letter stated she wanted my current daughter and new baby BOTH overnight once baby is here. Just completely delusional.

If you do want legal advice - check your home insurance which may offer some cover.

Don’t go to mediation!! You don’t have to.

she doesn’t have parental responsibility. The only way a court would even consider her point of view is if she had had strong connections with the child eg you had lived with her for a period of time and she had done lots of childcare while you were back at work. And she had a strong bond with the child which was being damaged and you were also not a good mother (with hard evidence) and she wanted to be a strong part of DC life to provide stability. Doesn’t sound like she has any of those things.

i wouldn’t keep up with the costs visits. I would go no contact

What does your daughter's Father say to his Mum demanding access? Are you still with your daughter's Dad? I understand your MIL is NC with your daughter's Dad. I would seek proper legal advice. Most solicitors give 1/2 hour free of charge. As far as I am aware Grandparents don't get automatic rights. Your daughter has no relationship with your MIL. Your daughter doesn't really know who your MIL is, she only sees her once a week for an hour - yet your MIL wants unsupervised access to take your daughter out for the day and potentially overnight!!! As far as your daughter is concerned, this lady is a stranger!! I can't see any Court allowing her access but you can't just ignore letters. Don't be bullied into doing what your MIL wants, seek proper legal advice.

This isn't America
There's no way you can be forced to allow her to see your children.
The only scenario where that might be the case would be if your children had been living with her abd she had some claim on being a parental figure in their lives.
As it stands she's being completely batshit
You don't even need to attend mediation. Just tell her you never want to be contacted by her again. And if she continues report her to the police for harassment.
It doesn't matter what relationship someone has to you, if they are a relative. You cannot be forced by law to have anything to do with them. And it will be considered harassment if they contact you when you have told them not to.
And in regards to the baby and overnights.. she's utterly unhinged. Not even the baby's father if you were separated, would have the right to have a newborn baby overnight against the mothers wises.

Thanks so much, will have a read.

Ok, I was worried if I didn't attend mediation would this go against me in the future if she were to take it further at some point.

Even after that comment was made, I didn't block her as I didn't want mine and her personal relationship to get in the way of any relationship she may have had with my daughter. However, everything was on her terms and I tried to be reasonable with the below:

• my daughter has a good routine, bath bottle bed all by 8pm and sleeps all the way through till 9am in the morning. Therefore, I do not have visitors after 7pm (which is when she has her bath etc). However, MIL stated she could only do evenings due to work commitments so I said she could come round in the evenings when my daughter has dinner to help with that and that still wasn't good enough for her.
• I also stated Saturday/Sunday were not good days to visit my daughter, her dad works Mon-Fri therefore weekends are family time (we also have 2 dogs so we always go on long walks on the weekend), again she wasn't happy with this and stated she only wanted Saturday visits.

Because her son told her she was being unreasonable with the demands she was making around our daughter, and at the end of the day we are the parents, and I am the primary carer (I left work to look after my daughter full time), so if people want to see our child they need to work around my schedule. She did not agree with this and said that her son should take my daughter to her work on her lunch breaks to see her to fit her schedule - I just thought this was ridiculous.

In the end, she said to her son if he didn't meet her expectations and requests she would not be able to have a relationship with him... so here we are.

I believe that Citizens Advice are now so overloaded with complex cases that they tend to kick the can down the road where they are able. So they have told you to go to mediation, which translated means ‘ we haven’t given any advice so we can’t have given the wrong advice. The next people ie the mediation people can sort this out. Next!’

(Good friend used to volunteer with them but had to give up because the number of Clients and the complexity of the advice, and frankly some of the agression and hostility when receiving the ‘wrong’ answer was just too difficult)

I am just worried if I ignore the letters and don't take action with mediation, will this look bad for me?

Yes she does not have a relationship or strong bond with my daughter. She could not tell you the below:

• what size clothes she wears
• what she has for breakfast, lunch & dinner
• her daily routine
• her bedtime
• what brand nappies
• her allergies
• her favourite tv show

For me, those are basic requirements you would need to know in order to have my child supervised or not.

I have been no contact since September, then recently received the letter from her solicitor.

He says she is unreasonable, and due to this they have no contact.

His mum requested that he somehow talks me into allowing her to see my daughter without me or him present, and he said it was never going to happen. She more or less said if he didn't make it happen she would have to cut her relationship with him, which is what has sadly happened.

My daughter has no idea who she is, and when she was seeing her my daughter would cry because she of course is a stranger to her.

I mean the bullet points you’ve written are irrelevant legally. Lots of shit dads don’t know that stuff but could have their children 50:50 if they wanted to in the eyes of the law. It’s the legal stuff that counts - parental responsibility which she has none of.

you could always write your own proper letter back (with or without a solicitor) politely underlining your stance and then you could sleep at night knowing you had clear communcation.

Going to mediation or agreeing to regular visits just puts things in place in her favour. You owe her NOTHING

Ok that is reassuring to know, I just wondered if there were any legalities around her taking me to court or me being forced into letting her see my child(ren) in any capacity.

My daughter is 15 months old and has never even been to MIL house.

I considered reporting her to the police, but not sure how serious they would take it.

I have email threads of me asking her to leave me alone and not contact me but she has now sent me the letter so unsure where I stand.

She absolutely cannot take you to court

Ignore the letter. It sounds like your daughter is just a pawn. She wants control.

Yes agreed the bullet points made stand no legal rights, more just my frustration that a woman, and a mother herself, would want me to hand over a child when she doesn't know the basic requirements.

I wondered if going through mediation, so it was recorded, would be a way of me communicating with a 3rd party involved for me to more or less say... I have made my views clear on your non existent relationship with my daughter, you have had plenty of opportunity, I do not want you to see me or my child end of. And then just let the mediator clear that up with her?

I was worried putting something in writing could also go against me.

I am probably being overly paranoid but just want to make sure I am doing the right thing.

Also bare in mind I am 6 months pregnant so this is heavily weighing over me and stressing me out.

Would most people know these things? That's not a good test. If you've banned her 10 times means nothing you need to explain what does daddy think?

I believe most people close enough to me and my daughter would know yes.

My mum and my sister could easily answer those things because they spend enough time with us to know. They also take an interest in her wellbeing.

He has no contact with her either, (her choice).

Mediation isn’t free, I think when we booked it it was £200 for first session and £150 for the next ones PER PERSON.

you would only go if you planned to give her something. There’s no point going to say no to everything as that’s not mediation. The mediator also wouldn’t stand up for you, you need to stand up for yourself.

IMO it is not in your interest to raise her hopes by going to mediation as she will think you are giving her something regular and permanent and possibly will try to force you to sign something.

the best way to protect yourself is to be clear and firm now and then stop engaging with her

In a way she is proving she’s a crap Grandmother and not actually thinking about her Grandchildren (and only herself) by putting you through all this stress when you are 6 months pregnant.
I really wouldn’t give her anymore headspace. Concentrate on your pregnancy. She isn’t going to get anywhere with it and I would use the stress she is causing you during your pregnancy against her if she tries to push things any further.

I enquired with a mediator (out of curiosity) and because I am not working and receive UC, I would be entitled to legal aid - therefore would not have to cover the cost of mediation.

That is a good point - she may think by inviting her to mediation it is to come to a resolution and plan to see my daughter, which of course I do not want to happen.

Would you say the best way for me to do this, would be to contact a solicitor myself and get them to respond to her solicitor so it is all done professionally?

Yes this was also my point, she is not thinking about what is in the best interest of my daughter, only herself. As I believe it brings no benefit to my daughters life to see her, as she does not know her and has never had a strong bond or relationship so it isn't as if she is missing out.

Thank you so much for your advice and help.

Hi @girlmum1996 ive not been able to read through the thread properly yet but yes my MiL threatened us (partner and I) with solicitor. We just ignored her and she was probably told to not waste her time.
Shes also threatened SiL (BiL is her son, my partners brother) both physically and with legal action to see the grandchildren.
Sadly, SiL and I each thought we’d won MiL lottery at the start of our relationships with her sons. But it was just love bombing followed by utter chaos and abuse.

I would have loved a relationship with a MiL and most importantly my partner and children to have had a terrific relationship with MiL but sadly it wasn’t healthy in the least and she is just too unwell to have a relationship with anyone.

It’s sad when we have to go NC with family, I hope all goes smoothly and you’re all allowed to live in peace x

Hi, so sorry to hear you have gone through something similar to.. It is just awful isn't it.

Exactly the same, I actually met my partner... through his mum!!! She was lovely at the beginning, constant compliments and overly nice. It was when we fell pregnant things took a turn, and she believed me and her son wasn't ready (due to a bad patch at the time). Now pregnant with our 2nd child (she informed me it would be best to have an abortion!) so you can understand why I have NC, along with multiple other reasons.

Did you ever receive a 2nd letter or just the one and done?

Thank you so much.

Not sure why you're taking responsibility for this. Your DH should be dealing with his own mother. YOU don't need to seek advice, YOU don't need to organise anything.