"My children are my whole life"

[emkana]

What are your first thoughts on hearing those words from a woman (if you ever do!).

Does it make a difference what age her children are?

Not healthy. My mother was rather like this, She mostly lived for my father, and then the kids. She never forgave us for leaving home and much of our relationship was built on guilt (from us) and resentment (from her)

Really not got. You have to keep hold of an inner core of 'you'

TBH I am a little shocked by some of the responses saying that it is unhealthy for dcs to be a Mums whole world.

Personally, I would aim to strike a balance between kids, DH, friends, other family and social interests/work. However, I don't think its unhealthy if someone chooses to make kids the centre of their world, its all about how they choose to live their life and if they are happy with their choices.

I would say this statement would completely describe my mother, only she might have said "my family is my whole life" as Dad was/is central to her world as well (well actually I could never imagine her saying it but she would think it). She was a SAHM for all our childhood and most of her adult life (she had me at 23, brother at 25 and sister at 29), I was never left with a babysitter, she lived hours away from her family, she had no real friends apart from other kids Mums (and even then she rarely socialised with them) and didn't work even when we were all at school. Despite this she was incredibly happy, all she ever wanted to be was a housewife and mother and she found it incredibly rewarding. She was active in our school, volunteering, on the PTA, then the govenors and was eventually chairman, but of course that was still revolving around us in a sense. Dad worked long hours in the city so Mum was always there for us when he could not be. That was how they both choose to bring us up. We were never smothered, we all turned into well balanced, happy successful adults. We were not "harmed" in any way by her choices. Now we have all left home she does volunteer work, has a few friends who she "lunches" with, she takes the dog for a walk but is generally content being a housewife. Personally, I couldn't do that but she is very happy living like that. She loves the time it gives her, her and my Dad often spend 3-6 months abroad every year as he is a self employed consultant so only chooses to work for part of the year.

I would not dare pass judgement on my mother for choosing to stay at home, she has always been the anchor of our family, always there for us when we needed her and just because she chose to do it in a way that is not for everyone (including myself) does not make her less of a good mother.

Playingthewaitinggame - sounds like your mother DOES have a good balance, though in her own way. But not everyone who stays at home in this way manages to retain an interesting identity and engage in stimulating activities. I think there's also a generational element too - more women of that generation stayed at home and it was more socially and economically acceptable for mothers to carry on being home most of the time once the kids were in school with maybe a bit of voluntary work etc. I think probably very few women these days are really suited to this role - I know a lot of women whose self esteem starts to decline and they ,lose confidence if they are at home for years and years, and it can also be difficult to broaden your horizons again if you've wrapped your entire life around your children.

I would think it was an intolerable amount of pressure on her kids TBH.

But agree with other posters that it could have different interpretations.

My ds is the most important thin in my life.

I am also a wife, a daughter, a friend and an employee. There are many other aspects to my life, but ds sits right on top of the pile.

The danger is (as my mum did) dedicating your whole life to your kids, you have nothing else when they fly the nest and you feel redundant and worthless.

My mother did have a ballanced life. She lived for my father.....who died and left her. She lived for us (to a lesser degree) and we grew up and left home and she never forgave my brother or me.

All my successes became her successes, as she lived her life vicariously. And when my father died she simply gave up on life,

Growing up with that was awful, I wish that she had had more of her own life, and been happy to let me live mine.

that is why I think it is unhealthy

playingthewaitinggame, your mum sounds lovely and I think a life like that could be very rewarding and possible nowadays as well.

I think one of the best points made here - by a few people - is that your children will not want to be your whole life. And for that reason, it is not selfless at all.

But playingthewaitinggame has shown that you can live your life like that without smothering your children, and as long as you review the situation regularly and are aware of the dangers I don't really see the problem.

Don't think it's necessarily a problem emkana, just that it can be very difficult to take a step back, review the situation objectively and adjust as you suggest. The women I know (not many I have to say) who do seem to make their children their whole life, don't realise that they are doing it. I've seen women who several years down the line realise that their self confidence has ebbed away, and that their children actually want some independence, not to be the centre of someone else's existence. It's not necessarily something you see happening is it? I'm sure no mother intends to end up living her life through her kids, feeling redundant when the kids start school or leave home or whatever. But the sad fact is that some women do feel like this, and as has been pointed out, it's an unfair pressure to put on your children. I know there's no such thing as the ideal parent, but I reckon if there were, it would be one who enables their children to feel totally loved and totally supported while retaining their own identity and life.