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Parenting

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Original poster

"My children are my whole life"

86 replies

emkana · 28/04/2008 20:32

What are your first thoughts on hearing those words from a woman (if you ever do!).

Does it make a difference what age her children are?

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PrincessPeaHead · 28/04/2008 22:27

ah you assume it means "I have children and I'd hate to be without them". Obv I think most people would feel that!
But to me anyone who says "my children are my life" sounds like they have no outside job and no outside interests which don't revolve around the children. THAT's what I find scary

funnypeculiar · 28/04/2008 22:31

When said by mum of young kids, I'd broadly assume there was no space left for anything else

But it would make me a little nervous. It feels like a hugely high level of investment, & (ime) is said by people who feel that they are giving up something of their self to do this. Ie that it is not wholly a positive choice, and/or they are slightly claiming 'matrydom high ground'

PrincessPeaHead · 28/04/2008 22:32

agree fp
like if you DO have a life outside your children you somehow aren't doing it properly

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Disenchanted · 28/04/2008 22:34

Thats something i would say, becaue I honestly do not have a life outside being a mother.

But I choose that and love it being that way.

SixSpotBurnet · 28/04/2008 22:35

Yes, I can see there is room for different interpretations. I suppose what I would mean by it is "My children represent most is not all about what is meaningful in my life". Not "I have absolutely nothing else in my life".

funnypeculiar · 28/04/2008 22:36

Exactly PPH - there can be a 'why are you diluting your mother love with external fripperies' tonality to it
(not suggesting that YOU would say it like this, emkana, just that I have heard it expressed like that)

Janni · 28/04/2008 22:37

I would never in a million years utter those words, but the sad truth is, that at the moment they are my whole life because that is pretty much all I do.

There's a whole private part of my brain though that's just waiting for them all to grow up and leave me in peace

FloridaKbear · 28/04/2008 22:37

Ithink there is a difference between your children being your whole life and your life revolving around your children. I would say my life revolved around my children, with hindsight, after my previous post. It has to, they are young, they need their mum to be around, make choices for them, be there at bedtime, do stuff with them etc etc. I have to consider their needs and gladly do so, I chose to have them after all and having them is not a hardship to me. I do however, have friends and other stuff that doesn't involve them but ultimately I put them first.

Bink · 28/04/2008 22:38

I would think it an unusual thing for someone to say - like a manifesto? I would wonder what was going on for them mood-wise to have to lay their cards out like that, and I would feel puzzled & possibly a bit sorry for them. (Unlike someone supporting the thought because they've been asked it - if you see what I mean.)

The parallel opposite example would of course be one of those fabular WOHMs actually openly announce "I am having it all".

alfiesbabe · 28/04/2008 23:03

Anyone who wants their children to grow up into interesting and fulfilled individuals owes it to them to have their own life. I don't see how any mother (or father) can possibly say ' I want my children to be interesting individuals with their own personality and character, but at the same time, my own life totally revolves around them'. It makes no sense. Children learn by example. They need to be totally loved, totally secure, but not made into the reason for someone else's existence.

SmugColditz · 28/04/2008 23:06

If they are under school age, I think, "Yes, in between sleeping and necessary ablutions, they probably are your whole life, you poor sod, I know how you feel!"

If they are over school age I think "YOu poor sod, get a hobby, they don't need you HALF as much as you need them now!"

Original poster

emkana · 28/04/2008 23:11

But why "you poor sod?"

I know that things will change to some extent when my children will all be at school, but while they are still small I am loving my life as it is. Why can't you say that and be respected for it, just like you would be respected for throwing yourself into any other job?

OP posts:

alfiesbabe · 28/04/2008 23:15

For the reasons I described in my post emkana. You can love your children 100%, they can be the most important things in your life without them being your WHOLE life. It's not about how much you love your life. I love my life, but I have a professional career, my own friends, parts of my life that are about me. Loving your children isnt the same as making them the reason for your existence.

soapbox · 28/04/2008 23:25

It would worry me tbh - although it depends what age the children are.

It would worry me because I think it sounds as if the children may have become the person's 'project' that the person was devoting herself in an unhealthy way (for herself and the children). A mother living her life through her children, perhaps using it as a means of avoiding creating a life for herself. Much depends though on whether the person can withdraw from that totality of input as the children grow up and become more independent. Provided that the person can do this in an appropriate manner then there may not be anything wrong with it. It would worry me that they might find it very hard to do that - as the time comes around - preventing the child from growing away from the mother in an appropriate way. I think I have heard the term 'professional parent' used to describe these kind of over involved parents.

It could also be that the person is depressed or lacking in self-esteem - from the underlying message that 'I don't deserve any more from life'.

I think it is perfectly possible for you to be totally happy with the way things are, but for it not necessarily to be in your (and the DCs) best interests in the long run. But only time will tell

cupsoftea · 28/04/2008 23:29

what's wrong with saying this? I'm a sahm with small children so I look after them all the time.

alfiesbabe · 28/04/2008 23:32

Does their father not sometimes take responsibility for them? He is their parent too? .
I was a SAHM while on maternity leave - but it didnt stop me having my own life.

cupsoftea · 28/04/2008 23:38

is that comment for me alfieb?

yes my dh looks after his kids - they are his life as well. Our family is the most important thing we have. Everything we do is for our kids.

alfiesbabe · 28/04/2008 23:43

Yes cups, I just find it a bit strange that anyone can say their children are their whole life, as if they have no existence outside of them. My family is the most important thing my DH and I have, without a doubt. It just doesnt mean that we have nothing else.

cupsoftea · 28/04/2008 23:48

When I think about it they are my life - they're such wonderful people. If I had to choose between me-time or running round the garden with them I know which one I'd pick.

FairyMum · 29/04/2008 00:03

but why do you have to choose between "me-time" and running in the garden with your children? There is time for both surely? I think some people are perhaps more solitary than others. Personally I need my girlfriends and a bottle of wine at least once a week. I think friends are so important.

SmugColditz · 29/04/2008 07:58

I wouldn't have more respect for someone throwing herself into her job 100% either. Or a hobby. I don't respect a chosen lack of balance. A neccessary lack of balance is impossible to escape.

And my children are the reason I get up in the morning, because they bloody WAKE me up ... but if someone took them out for the day, I wouldn't hang around the house making it look beautiful for when they came back, I would be out of the door like a bloody shot, and wouldn't come back until my children did.

I'm not a solitary person, not at all, I need and enjoy the company of other people - and that means other people than my children, sometimes.

Guitargirl · 29/04/2008 08:12

My MIL says this about DD (her granddaughter, not daughter) and to be honest I find it suffocating and puts quite a lot of pressure on us .

getmeouttahere · 29/04/2008 08:17

hmm, guitargirl, that does seem a bit over the top

Guitargirl · 29/04/2008 08:30

getmeouttahere - I do try and see her point of view as she's not had a particularly easy time of things and I can see why she invests so much in her granddaughter (DD only grandchild so far) but it can still be very frustrating. Anyway, I won't go into it now as it's not really the point of the thread and very different from mother/father saying the same thing.

ALMummy · 29/04/2008 08:33

Well my children ARE my whole life......at the moment. As they grow older and more independent then I will detach as necessary for all our sakes. TBH I prefer to be with my kids above anyone else and want to make the most of this time I have with them when they are small. The time I spend with them is ME time - well mostly anyway.

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