Feeling like i have quite a sad existance

[starship92]

Basically that. I have 2 beautiful young children and i love them more than life, dont get me wrong.

But i feel like all i do is raise kids and work. My DH works horrible shifts and so i take on all of the childcare and house stuff to lighten the load for him.

My mum does my childcare (paid!) while i work and so isnt prepared to help out with the kids outside of that.

I have absolutely no life of my own and its really starting to affect my mental health. I feel like i cant even make conversation with DH any more because I simply have nothing to talk about.

Our marriage is badly suffering too because we never ever get the opportunity to do anything as a couple. I feel like my kids are too young to leave with a babysitter and sadly my mum is our only option.

DH still goes to the gym and has a few child free days a month to himself and i can barely get to the shop on my own for milk.

I guess i feel like im completely lost myself and lost motivation in life.

Anyone else been in a similar situation and can offer any advice?

Thank you

What’s stopping you having a regular, designated evening to yourself to do a course/class/gym session/meet friends?

Dh shifts change every week so couldnt commit to anything really. And i always need to be here to put kids to bed which doesn't leave much time in the evening to go anywhere :(

Why can't he do bedtime?

Why do you need to put kids to bed? Are they breastfed?

what type of job does he do?

Pay someone else for childcare so your mum will do the odd Saturday or evening for you?

He has only ever done bedtime once. He feels like because he works such long shifts that i need to do basically everything else because hes tired. Which makes him sound like a shit but hes really not. I think i may look like im coping with it all but i really am not

@starship92 I think if childcare situation allows your DP to have a few days to himself a month then he needs to do the same for you, on weekends if necessary. Also kids accepting (and him feeling confident) doing bedtime won't happen by itself, he needs to try, in small steps to begin with. Try just going for a short walk at bedtime then you can step in if need be if they're still upset when you get back

Big hugs OP.

Kids were breastfed for a year each and i think this is how ive fallen in to this trap

How old are the kids? I’ve never really understood the reluctance to use babysitters. Yes they are expensive so we don’t go out very often but if we didn’t use sitters we would NEVER go out. We don’t have any family who are in a position to sit for us. You could start asking around, maybe the kids keyworkers from nursery are allowed to babysit in the evenings? My kids nursery didn’t allow it but occasionally some of the ladies left for elsewhere and we used them then and built up a good relationship.

Other than that, can you take a proper 1 hr lunch break and try and squeeze time in for yourself then? Pre make food so it’s ready and lie in the bath and listen to an audiobook? Just an idea.

If his shifts change I can see it will be difficult to commit to a regular class or group, but I absolutely don't see why he can't give you time off once he knows his shifts. The advantage of horrible shifts is that they often give you more time off, albeit at odd times, and I think he needs to use some of that time to give you respite.

Thank you for this. This is how i feel but i didnt feel like it would be justified. Im the type to just do everything myself rather than burden anyone else

Then here lies the problem. That’s ridiculous. He needs to do bedtime at least 2/3 times a week regardless of shift time. Of course you don’t feel like you can have any time to yourself.
It sounds shit because it is. What on earth is his job? What hours is he pulling each week?

He is a shit because he expects you to everything whilst he works a job he would have no doubt done as a single adult anyway. He manages to not be tired enough for the gym and whatever else when he wants; he doesn't sound like a good father or husband. His input or lack of is a big contributor to how you feel.

He can do bedtime, doing it only once is pathetic for him he should be embarrassed.

They are 1 & 3 and i think my reluctance is because if they woke after bedtime and a stranger was there they would freak out. If i had someone i knew and trusted it would be different but sadly i dont know anyone

I go into the office once a week. On that day DH makes tea and puts kids to bed without me, I feel like I’ve had a bloody holiday! No wonder you feel sad - you need downtime!
Are you a SAHM?

Could you book off an annual leave day here and there? Also I'm guessing he doesn't work every single weekend. Could you earmark a Saturday or Sunday just for you and leave the house?

I don’t ever put them to bed if I have a babysitter for this reason. The sitter would put them down because then kids would then be aware of the situation if they woke up.
Do they go to nursery at all - sometimes those are good people to ask as the kids already know them.

Im self employed and currently work 3 days a week (away from home) so my mum does childcare 2 of those days and DH does the 3rd.

I barely had any maternity leave with my kids either, they were still basically newborns when i went back to work.

Im so glad you have all validated my feelings

you are letting your “dh” live the life of a single man . One bedtime in 3 years of parenting is a disgrace.
he’ll know his shift pattern each week , so on an evening when he’s not working , arrange a drink with friends for a couple of hours say 8-10 to start with and then earlier so he does bedtime and gets used to you going out .
what’s his job ?

Your DH needs to step up. Only putting them to bed once is pathetic. Tell him a couple of nights a month you're going out- to a friends house, go to the cinema.

A couple of times a week have a blinking bath by yourself and have a pamper evening!

You're not a single parent so stop letting him treat you like one.

If you are paying your mum for childcare, could you not put them in to nursery instead? Would your mum then be more likely to help with baby sitting every now and then?

Why don't you use nursery which would give you subsided hours? This would free up your Mum.
Your husband needs to step up and have the kids more.

So on at least half of the days he knows his shift pattern allows time for a gym, he should be offering that to you.
He has time and energy for the gym, but not his children's bedtime you say? 🤨

You definitely need your own time. Your DH needs to step up and spend more time with the kids even if he's tired. He doesn't have to do anything exciting, just watch them playing and interact with them while you disappear to do something for yourself, even if it's only reading a book in the bath. It makes all the difference. Plus, he should want to because they're his children.