Feeling like i have quite a sad existance

[starship92]

Basically that. I have 2 beautiful young children and i love them more than life, dont get me wrong.

But i feel like all i do is raise kids and work. My DH works horrible shifts and so i take on all of the childcare and house stuff to lighten the load for him.

My mum does my childcare (paid!) while i work and so isnt prepared to help out with the kids outside of that.

I have absolutely no life of my own and its really starting to affect my mental health. I feel like i cant even make conversation with DH any more because I simply have nothing to talk about.

Our marriage is badly suffering too because we never ever get the opportunity to do anything as a couple. I feel like my kids are too young to leave with a babysitter and sadly my mum is our only option.

DH still goes to the gym and has a few child free days a month to himself and i can barely get to the shop on my own for milk.

I guess i feel like im completely lost myself and lost motivation in life.

Anyone else been in a similar situation and can offer any advice?

Thank you

Find a babysitter and pay them to have regular time to do an evening class/ go out/ have time for yourself.

We were in the exact same position as you (except that no family nearby so children were in nursery.) There is no other way around it. I suspect the fact your mum provides the childcare has made you wary of anyone else: you feel they'd be strangers.
Everyone is a stranger until you get to know them!

Once the children have met the babysitter a few times (perhaps even pay them to come and do the evening routine with you first, so that you're not even going out anywhere) then they'll be fine.

He's not working until 9pm (or whenever) 7 nights a week.
He's just very happy being the big important man with the oh-so-tiring job, so he couldn't possibly do anything to 'help out' (because it's not his job so why should he?) at home. All that stuff is wimmin's work. Get on with it.
That's his attitude, I do not agree with it.
The question is, what are you going to do about it?

You worry about them waking 'with a stranger'
Well, their Dad is not a stranger
How often do they wake in the night?
Can you not reason with the DCs at all? Surely they'd understand that Mum would be back later
A few tears won't kill them.

We have no family support. I'm self employed and work 3 days a week too. Husband works very long hours and works away every couple of months. I still have plenty of time to myself. He does bedtimes at the drop of a hat if I want to go out with friends, go to the cinema, or just pop over to a friend's house for a catch up.

There is no reason whatsoever that you couldn't be doing the same. So yes, your husband does sound like a shit. You have your mother around to support which we don't have.

At 3 years old why isn't your older child in nursery with funded hours? Surely things can be shuffled about to afford the one year old to be in nursery even for a day or two and they would mean your mum doesn't have to do so much childcare for full days and would be able to babysit of an evening here and there.

Even without family support and two working parents, we still manage to have social lives and an equal amount of downtime. You need to give your husband a serious kick up the arse. I don't understand how he can take so much time for himself and leave you with none. How selfish of him.

You are isolated and you sound exhausted and depressed. A conversation with your partner needs to happen whereby you are realistic about how you are feeling and that this is not only having an impact on you but on your marriage. You will end up resenting your partner if this situation continued (if you don’t resent him already) and you will feel increasingly lonely because if other people don’t know you are struggling, they will assume you are ok.

I’m at the other end of the lifespan in that I’m sole carer for my DH who is much older than I am and disabled due to a stroke. My life is just work of one sort or another and I realised recently that I no longer know how to play. I can’t focus on anything that isn’t work-related. Family have dropped us - that’s the blunt version of them saying nice things, making promises and not fulfilling them, also not even bothering with the small gestures. That’s my story. The people who can really help? Find those with good boundaries who are realistic about how much time and energy they have and who will negotiate with you. I’m a carry on and do it alone person - but we really can’t do it all alone.

Hi OP your feelings are absolutely valid and you are getting some great advice here. I would:
a) talk to DH about how you feel and explain that some changes need to happen. Hopefully he will be understanding and supportive
B) find a nursery for the children. This will be good for them, will help you have friends, and will free up your Mum to help at other times.
C) find a gym or class you can do once a week while the children are in nursery. Don't just book them in for your work days - make sure there is at least half a day where you have some time just for you.

Okay, that is not quite as bad as I thought if you mean you work 3 days a week in total? I had misunderstood that you work full time.

Your older child gets free hours now I think? You are just in that tough couple of years with the younger one. I mean your husband definitely needs to give you more time to yourself, but if you can stick to the 3 day week until the youngest is at school, you can survive it.

*@starship92

Im the type to just do everything myself rather than burden anyone else*

No one will thank you for being a martyr - least of all your children. Some women do fall into that trap of doing everything, believing they can't even pop out for the evening once the kids are in bed, because it's dad/ a babysitter if they wake up.

Don't be that person. It's actually much healthier for your children to feel comfortable and safe with both parents, and other trusted adults, rather than just you.

I would also absolutely put the children in nursery rather than using your mum for the regular childcare. If you're away for work, perhaps she could still do the nursery drop or pick up, so she's involved but not carrying the responsibility of all day care for a 3 and 1 year old. The fact she won't do babysitting outside of the regular care suggests she's finding it a lot to manage.

Your husband is living the life of a single man.

You are living the life of a single parent.

i agree but the introduction of funding for 1 year old should also help. If I were her I’d used a nursery too for 4 days, work 3 days then have the 4th to catch up on life. I got burnout when my kids were older than this and they’ve really suffered financially as I ended with an exacerbation of my physical health problems and had leave work.

This isn’t really that helpful - but this phase of life will pass and when they are a little older, you should have so much more time to yourself again, this won’t be forever. In the meantime, could you book them into an extra day of childcare one day a week so you have a consistent day to yourself? Or surely when husband is off, you can pop out for a quick nails/shopping/ gym class ? Are any friends willing to babysit for a couple of hours?

Your DH should be putting them to bed. I’m a SAHM and DH puts Dc to bed. Because he’s a dad and it’s part of what dads do. If your Dh has some free time maybe he could show you some of that consideration you show him and pick up some of the work you do for the family.

Sorry OP, he is a massive shit. One bedtime? He should be ashamed of himself frankly.

couldn't agree more with this

It’s a very easy ‘trap’ to fall into OP!
Start very small and build from there as your children become more independent.

1.) Try and find 1 class/hobby etc for 1hour a week. You say you OH does shifts so you’ll need to find something flexible eg swimming/gym or a class that is on at various times that you can change if needs be.
2.) you mention your children waking up to a stranger. Could you find a babysitter that would come over for a couple of hours on a Saturday daytime when you and OH could go for a walk/lunch etc? The babysitter could pop round a couple of times whilst you’re in and play with the children to get to know them.

I’ve been here myself! Where it seems easier to do everything. But you must take care of yourself too OP and getting a bit of ‘headspace’ each week is key x

1&3 will be fine with a babysitter

Get one round to play with kids one weekend so meet them

Next time later and you go out

Does bedtime take forever or 5mins ans wee teeth story cuddle kiss lights out and walk out

Are there any weekend mornings he doesn’t work, if so get yourself out early one morning and do something for yourself? A swim, coffee or brunch out, mooch around the shops or a nice park etc.
He will just have to manage.

I think this is really difficult with small children. As you have been the main carer, the children are used to you and you are worried they will get distressed if you are not there (which they may well do). At the same time, your DH is playing on the ‘being exhausted’ card (which you also are) and not stepping in to help (whilst still finding energy for the gym etc, so you are rightfully annoyed and resentful). You begin to lose confidence of being anything other than mum outside of work.

I was/am a single parent and my youngest refused to settle at all for anyone except me. His dad literally called me up to bring him home when we tried overnights. But you are not a single parent and it sounds like dad (your DH) could do bedtime with you now and then to get used to the routine and offer support to you and then gradually step in to do it himself alternating with you who does it. I would put it to him that it is really important for DC to know their dad not just as someone who works and comes home but actively cares for them as well. Baby and toddler age is difficult for men sometimes especially with breastfeeding, I think, but it can get into completely unfair childcare patterns as you have.

I do think your husband is being selfish, but I also think it could be helpful for you to let go of the idea that doing everything yourself is better than being a burden on other people. What happens if you need to go into hospital or something happens to you? And the basic point that it is good for DC to have two involved parents rather than one involved but burn-out parent and one who abdicates responsibility. If you have not done it already, I would sit down with DH and just have the chat about balancing things better, and how you will get some time to rebuild your social life and your relationship with him, as well as him extending his father role beyond providing financially.

Or use paid childcare and free hours

Ans mum would prob babysit

What do you pay her ? The going rate or a token

Your feelings are valid and this is ENTIRELY fixable. I know cos I've been there, many of us have. But it will need your DH to take on more parenting.

You have both fallen into pattern that no longer works so you both need to make changes. This will happen many times on your parenting journey. Plenty of suggestions upthread for how to do this.

Many people change their jobs and shift patters when they have children in order to make their family life work - yes, EVEN MEN! If he's not willing to make changes in one way or another, consider whether there is any point remaining in this relationship. And maybe voice this to him?

Good luck, little kids (plus jobs) are very hard work!

Excellent points well made.

OP, you are me, but a few years ago. I got more and more frustrated. I'm now divorced, met the love of my life and we are living a completely different life. My ex husband just had his own happy life (worked shifts but away) and when home went to the gym, did his own thing. Feel free to DM me, if you need a listening ear. I know it's hard.

100% this.

That’s understandable when they’re so young. It’s very tricky when they will only settle for you. Do you have any mum friends they know who might swap babysitting favours so you sit for them one evening, they sit for you in return etc.

It's only 2 years until the youngest gets funded hours. So not too long with no hobbies. Can you get out for a 20 minutes walk at some point every day or take DC to park so outdoors? Anything dh likes doing round the house/kids? Can he take over a little more of that?

OP I get it with the changing shift work - it’s the bane of my life too. But there are solutions here. The main one being talking to DH and asking him to step up and do bedtimes. It’s simply not acceptable for you to do them all. I get why it’s happened with the bf’ing but you need to transition to the next phase of parenting together. So start there, and then each week have a meeting with DH, looking at the shifts and work out who gets which evening off from bedtime and write it in your diaries/shared calendar. Yes it’s an extra faff and you might need to do more than him because of shifts, but then at least you have time specifically scheduled in for you to look forward to. Plus sitting and talking it through will also highlight to him how much extra is on you currently.

Also does your DH then get random weekdays off from work? Mine does, and uses some of that time to batch cook for the freezer, so that when I’m then solo that’s one less thing to do. Sure, shifts are long and tiring but the reward is usually several days off to recover. Even if only one meal were prepared in that time it would be something that would free you up to do something you enjoy.

You said you don’t know anyone to babysit - well you won’t until you look. Look on sitters.com, ask on your local Facebook group, find teenagers who live nearby, ask friends with kids if they want to do a babysitting swap. It will take a bit of effort, but it’ll be worth it so that you can have some time off when you need it, either with or without DH. Start slow by just having them for an hour or two one afternoon and build up to an evening out so you know your kids are happy.

You can’t pour from an empty cup so it’s time to give yourself some time back to be you again 💐