Does anyone else do this? Presents on sibling's birthday

[igglepiggle599]

I have two DC close together who are just coming up to the age where they understand presents and special occasions. My DM keeps talking about buying one a present on the other's birthday. Her reasoning is that they are too young to understand why they don't also have presents and they'll be upset.

Despite this having been done with me, it's never really occurred to me to do this with my own children. My natural instinct tells me I shouldn't be teaching them to expect gifts on someone else's special day, but my DM thinks I'm being mean. Are they too young to understand? Is this a widespread practice?

Nope. It’s a lesson for everyone to learn, and the sooner the better.

I had a friend in primary school who got presents on their sibling’s birthday and vice versa. Worse still, party guests were expected to bring two gifts! I was only ever allowed to bring one, and was explicitly told to remind anyone who asked that it was my friend’s birthday, not her sibling’s. Looking back now I see why my parents were so insistent on not indulging this, and adding to the cost of the many birthday gifts purchased for the many parties I attended.

You’d be depriving them of such a learning opportunity and no kid is fooled by one small present when their sibling has several. Focus on the cake and special meal that are for everyone and that birthdays are special for the whole family, it’s about more than presents.
My kids have never expressed any spoilt behaviour about their sibling’s birthday, it’s not inevitable.

MIL did this when DH was young. It would be something very small.

We had this from a lovely uncle. He called it the 'consolation prize' 😆it was always very small but something he knew each one of us would like.

It did not take away from anyone's special day, did not confuse anyone as to who was being celebrated, and I don't imagine there would have been any tantrums if he had not done it. But it was a really kind way to show he'd been thinking about all of us. Maybe it made more sense because we did not see him very often otherwise, but still.

I do the same for my nieces and nephews now. It's not something I'd consider doing as a parent, but I think it's all right for aunts/uncles and GPs to spoil the DCs a bit.

I always remember the tantrum one of my children had at another’s birthday- really glad I told him ‘uh huh, it’s his birthday but you get loads of lovely sweets, cake and a day out so it doesn’t matter’

There was a similar thing at school - I'd always feel a bit irritated because I'd take chocolates or cake in for my birthday and a bunch of kids would inevitably say, 'I need two more for my brothers because it's hometime'. 🙄

What problems, @Conniebygaslight ? You just stop the tradition after the toddler years once the DC are old enough to understand unless everyone in the family wants to keep it up.

I don’t really understand what the learning opportunity is that everyone thinks not getting a present on your sibling’s birthday is? That tantrums don’t get you your own way? Resilience? Those are things you teach your DC through every day life, something that happens once or twice a year isn’t going to teach a toddler anything. That you don’t usually get presents on someone else’s birthday? They will soon learn about birthdays once they are old enough to understand properly (and remember) without having a meltdown on a sibling’s birthday.

I don’t think it does any harm at all if you are teaching your DC resilience and understanding every other day of the year. It’s no more of an issue than letting children eat chocolate before breakfast on Christmas Day.

Just do what works best for you, OP. Like you said, you aren’t an entitled brat because you got a gift on your DS’s birthday!

We do this and get a small gift on their siblings birthday because my children are generous natured and feel happier knowing their sibling got something as well. It's resulted in the opposite of making them spoilt- their birthday happiness is increased by having an included sibling rather than having a day "all about them" which they would feel awkward about.

I think some posters are being a bit naive about lessons learned. A child under four isn’t going to learn a valuable lesson about anything by watching a sibling get lots of gifts. They just aren’t.

If you have children born at similar times of the year I imagine it’s more of a dilemma but if they are born at different times it can actually be a good opportunity to allow them to request a gift without expecting them to wait months and months for it.

It’s not the same thing as eating choc before breakfast. It literally boils down to giving a child a present on a siblings birthday to avoid the child being upset or having a tantrum because they are not getting any.
So you teach a child that every time there is a birthday they get a present too and then you stop it as soon as they get to a certain age?
Where’s MY present for Molly’s birthday? Emmm you are too old now, you don’t get one.
Parents do it to ‘spare’ their child’s feelings or so the child won’t cause ructions on the day.
It’s as simple as that.

Request a gift??? For their sibling’s birthday? So they don’t have to wait?? I heard it all now.

My mum did this. Just a small token gift. She does it with my kids too. Since she does it I don't.

My DM did this for my DB and I and we absolutely loved it. I remember us being genuinely happy when the other one got a little something on our own birthday. It was usually something like a Matchbox car for my DB and a little accessory for my doll. One year my DB was given a mini Batman car and I got a new Sindy for my birthday and we went out playing with our new toys and it felt like the best day ever.
We are only one year apart and more like friends than siblings and just thinking of this little ritual has made me smile.
I did it when my DC we’re much younger too but then we got out of the habit of doing it.

I didn’t say it was the same as letting a child have chocolate for breakfast at Christmas, @Sweepsthepillowclean, I said it is no more of an issue than doing that.

Does it matter if you give a toddler a gift on a sibling’s birthday to prevent ructions? They aren’t going to learn anything from the experience whether you do or don’t because they won’t remember by the next year.

Age 1 - the child won’t know what is going on
Age 2 - the child probably won’t really understand what birthdays are, how they are different from Christmas or why they aren’t getting presents. Why not avert a tantrum that spoils the birthday child’s birthday with a small gift.
Age 3 - it’s unlikely that they remember what happened last year. They might understand birthdays and remember for next year but might still not be able to control their emotions if their sibling gets presents and they don’t. Why spoil your other child’s birthday by turning it into a learning opportunity about not always getting what you want and tantrums don’t get you what you want when there are plenty of opportunities to learn that…
Age 4 - they have been to plenty of parties and understand about birthdays and that toddlers and babies don’t understand about things like sharing and can’t help tantrums, hopefully they have grown out of tantrums, and they understand things like you can have chocolate for breakfast on Christmas but not every day. If they even remember that last year they got a present on their sibling’s birthday…

It matters not a jot what you do on birthdays when they are toddlers because they won’t remember or learn anything from a one off annual experience until they are old enough to understand and learn from an explanation without needing to experience it.

You’ve heard it all because … a kid might get a gift at a time of year other than Christmas or a birthday?

I think this is true. My DS is four in a few weeks and definitely understands the concept of gifts happening on birthdays. But he is ‘allowed’ to choose a gift on his sisters birthday so he doesn’t have to wait a full year!

A present any time during the year is perfectly fine, a present on a sibling’s birthday to avoid a tantrum is not.

I have 2 kids, 3 year age gap. Have never given one a present on the other one’s birthday. It’s a ridiculous notion imo. My kids have never had a tantrum about their siblings birthday but if they did it would be tough luck, everyone has their special day. Mine have always been quite excited for each other on their bday and love the cake and the special tea we all have so they are still benefiting from their siblings day really.

My parents always did this.

If I had my own kids. I'm not sure I would do it. As I agree with you OP.

I personally wouldn’t try to avoid ructions from a small child by giving them a present on my other child’s birthday or any other day of the year come to think of it. I don’t negotiate my way out of a tantrum to keep the peace. Funnily enough my kids never had tantrums when it was a sibling’s birthday. They were too busy being excited to give a present or a card they made.
I celebrate each of my children’s birthdays, it is a day for them and them alone. Giving their siblings presents so they don’t kick off is not part of that.
Happy birthday dear Amelia, here are your presents.. oh and here is one for your brother too yaaaay!

Absolutely bang on! My kids were exactly tge same. Delighted with the celebration.

My parents did this too. We would both get money from the tooth fairy!

I have 3 (inc twins) and have always been against this from us parents - even though it’s very hard on my daughter to watch both her brothers get all the presents on their birthday! but only in terms of sibling gifts from us parents- I’m quite happy for grandparents to get something small for the other. My DD turned 10 last week and between the day itself, visiting grandparents, and lastly her party on Sunday, my 6yo twins have had to sit through 3 rounds of present opening. One is more vocal in his frustration and we just acknowledge to him that yes it is hard and it will be hard for DD too when it’s his birthday. DGPs brought some packs of football cards for the twins and that really helped distract them.
i remember getting a present on my brothers birthday, but it was just added admin I didn’t want in my mental load as a parent! We’re through the worst of it now and I’m glad I held fast (DH would’ve been quite happy to do it!)

My grandma did it with us. But it was only a token thing - a colouring book etc.