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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Step-parent Troubles

55 replies

louise1makeup2 · 19/11/2024 11:33

Hi my son’s dad has a new partner. They met March, he moved her in less than a month. It was an extremely difficult year, the way we’ve been getting on (me and my son’s dad have a 5 year old) is by keeping my mouth shut :(
hes 26, im 24 & his partner is 20 (19 when they first met and a lot of drama when she was this age)

she isn’t mature and has no respect for me. In arguments she’s mentioned my weight, mental health, everything. Never apologised but I’ve of course moved on as I put my son first

atm I think what’s spiralled it, is because I’ve said nothing, she has no respect for me and calls all the shots. And my ex allows it because he’s scared of being single.

the problem I’ve got now, is I’ve got a no social media agreement with our sons dad, no pictures to be posted of him. She went against this and thought ‘I wouldn’t mind’ cos it was the back of him. She took it down as we were getting on then. We had an argument earlier on this week, as I told my sons dad it was children in need the next day (my son was at his dads) and he went ‘can you not buy something’ and I went ‘with what money’ (gives no child maintenance and cm don’t take it out is his benefits even tho claim is there)

and he went not my fault you’ve got no money. I then said ‘what we gonna do’ and he said ‘I don’t know what YOUR gonna do’ and we then argued because I said that Wasn’t fair to say, he’s ours, our responsibility, and I’ve told you about this so why is the stress on me. The solution wasn’t the problem. I was always gonna pull through for my son, it was the ‘he lives with you, your responsibility’. his gf then messaged with a solution, I was taking my son to swimming, replying bk to my sons dad, but was gonna reply to her in 20 mins. My sons dad said she said I wasn’t allowed in the house (I never said anything to her or disrespectful or anything to him) (she just wanted to say that as she’s got the power now her name is on all the bills etc). She then again called me nasty names (never said any back apart from she’s immature and she didn’t need to get involved). She said I was cheeky and rude for saying ‘what money’ and that I was so rude for not replying.

sorry that story was important as since then, I’ve messaged him asking her to remove her recent TikTok. And she’s in front of a picture wall at theirs with my son’s photos all in the background. If it was blurry etc I wouldn’t have minded but you can see my son, none of them have replied or taken it down. I don’t know what to do but it’s so ironic and cheeky to say I was being rude and disrespectful even though I was replying and not being rude. But they’re doing that now? I messaged yesterday evening but he’s at a funeral for an extended family member today, so obviously going to leave it probably but what do I do, if she doesn’t remove it? How do I establish boundaries and try to gain a little respect? If they can’t respect removing a TikTok, what other things do the not respect 😭

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HobbyHorse30 · 23/11/2024 08:30

I can’t understand why you and her are repeatedly arguing - why are you even in contact with her at all?

Obviously she’s in the wrong for posting your child on social media but in all honesty, the communication between the 3 of you sounds incredibly immature. The first step for you is to stop having contact with your ex’s partner, and communicate with him only when you need to eg photo of the letter (or a screenshot if it’s on the school app) about Children In Need, and that’s it - you’re passed on the information and it’s then on your ex to do with that what he will.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/11/2024 08:42

You don’t ever need to see or speak to her, so stop. He’s your child's other parent, parenting and school etc stuff is for the two of you to sort.

You’re adamant she has to respect you but she doesn’t and won’t so let that go. And be clear, she’s not stopping him from doing anything, he’s responsible for his relationship with you and his son.

I don’t know what to say about the tik tok stuff but try and let that go as well. She’s trying to piss you off and throw her weight around, if you ignore it she’ll probably stop.

All 3 of you are contributing to unnecessary drama. It’s for the hood of your young child if it stops. So as you can only change your own behaviour try to stop getting pulled in to it.

Is anyone working? It’s not much but pursue what you’re owed from his benefits.

BruhWhy · 23/11/2024 08:45

They're taking the piss because you're showing them your underbelly.

Stop engaging with the girlfriend of 7 months, fullstop. Make sure every single message to your ex is to the point, simple, unemotional and polite. Don't give them anything juicy to draw you in with. You are a grey rock. Do not engage with ANY conversation that isn't about the welfare of your son.

Ignore all texts that aren't from your ex and directly related to the shared care of your son. You need to start protecting your peace.

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roastiepotato · 23/11/2024 08:46

Why are you even following her on tik tok?

BruhWhy · 23/11/2024 08:47

Oh and THIS. Unfollow her.

louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 09:14

roastiepotato · 23/11/2024 08:46

Why are you even following her on tik tok?

I’m not I’m blocked, it came up on my sisters fyp and she sent it to me because of my son being in the background. My sons dad agreed it should be taking down, but then when I next called him, he couldn’t get her to take it down, so now he’s changed his opinion and said he thinks it should stay up. She posted another post on Facebook that has a picture of the 3 of them. When I call him I’m always on speaker and she’s beside him

she said she refused to respect any rules in place for my son. I don’t feel comfortable him staying at theirs (yes she moved in after 2 weeks). She said she doesn’t want my son there either. I don’t know what to do

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louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 09:16

BruhWhy · 23/11/2024 08:45

They're taking the piss because you're showing them your underbelly.

Stop engaging with the girlfriend of 7 months, fullstop. Make sure every single message to your ex is to the point, simple, unemotional and polite. Don't give them anything juicy to draw you in with. You are a grey rock. Do not engage with ANY conversation that isn't about the welfare of your son.

Ignore all texts that aren't from your ex and directly related to the shared care of your son. You need to start protecting your peace.

I did stop and she kicked off. I called my son’s dad as he agreed it should be taken down, as that’s always been the rules, background or not. And then I called him to check if she had, and then he changed his mind. But she was beside him and I’m always on speaker whenever I call and he completely changes his opinions and the way he speaks to me when she’s not there. He’s not putting his son first. Again she called me loads of names regarding my weight, mental health and I didn’t even phone her

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louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 09:18

BruhWhy · 23/11/2024 08:45

They're taking the piss because you're showing them your underbelly.

Stop engaging with the girlfriend of 7 months, fullstop. Make sure every single message to your ex is to the point, simple, unemotional and polite. Don't give them anything juicy to draw you in with. You are a grey rock. Do not engage with ANY conversation that isn't about the welfare of your son.

Ignore all texts that aren't from your ex and directly related to the shared care of your son. You need to start protecting your peace.

The photos in the background are about the welfare of my son. I was abused as a child by a ‘trusted adult’. They never got convicted as I never had someone to turn to. Said person is still out there and I know they’ll be stalking my family, my son’s family. It’s not hard to find her social media and you can see my son’s picture in the background, it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I told my son’s dad this, he agrees. On the phone I kept saying you know the reason, and she went actually yeah I know the reason. So I think he’s told her too, which is my abuse story to tell

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Temporaryname158 · 23/11/2024 09:23

Awful! I’m so sorry.

i can offer no advice as i am in a similar situation

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/11/2024 09:25

Stop calling him. Swap to email or a coparenting app and start only communicating about essentials. The children in need stuff was absolutely ridiculous.

You’re fuelling the drama. Stop and things will improve. You’re including her in your coparenting with him and demanding her respect. Not. Going. To. Happen. And remember her opinion of you is largely based on what he’s telling her.

HobbyHorse30 · 23/11/2024 09:43

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/11/2024 09:25

Stop calling him. Swap to email or a coparenting app and start only communicating about essentials. The children in need stuff was absolutely ridiculous.

You’re fuelling the drama. Stop and things will improve. You’re including her in your coparenting with him and demanding her respect. Not. Going. To. Happen. And remember her opinion of you is largely based on what he’s telling her.

All excellent advice.

If you're on the phone long enough for her to be firing multiple insults at you about different things then you've enabled that - you should have ended the call at the very first insult (and yes, obviously she's in the wrong for insulting you're weight and mental health but by enabling it you're fuelling the drama). Again, if you know he behaves like that when she's there and you know he puts you on loudspeaker, stop calling him.

roastiepotato · 23/11/2024 09:43

louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 09:14

I’m not I’m blocked, it came up on my sisters fyp and she sent it to me because of my son being in the background. My sons dad agreed it should be taking down, but then when I next called him, he couldn’t get her to take it down, so now he’s changed his opinion and said he thinks it should stay up. She posted another post on Facebook that has a picture of the 3 of them. When I call him I’m always on speaker and she’s beside him

she said she refused to respect any rules in place for my son. I don’t feel comfortable him staying at theirs (yes she moved in after 2 weeks). She said she doesn’t want my son there either. I don’t know what to do

Good grief. Why is she getting so involved. I'm a step mum and there's no way I'd have been this involved so early on. I'd have nothing to do with her and insist on communicating by email with their dad

louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 11:58

roastiepotato · 23/11/2024 09:43

Good grief. Why is she getting so involved. I'm a step mum and there's no way I'd have been this involved so early on. I'd have nothing to do with her and insist on communicating by email with their dad

Because it’s ’her boyfriend’

thats All I hear my boyfriend

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roastiepotato · 23/11/2024 12:15

louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 11:58

Because it’s ’her boyfriend’

thats All I hear my boyfriend

She sounds insufferable

roastiepotato · 23/11/2024 12:16

Have you made clear your aren't interested in "her boyfriend" in a romantic way any more - been there done that

louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 12:31

roastiepotato · 23/11/2024 12:16

Have you made clear your aren't interested in "her boyfriend" in a romantic way any more - been there done that

Yes so many times. It’s because he tried getting back with me, I said no. Told her and she said I made it up.
they keep telling me I’ve got a sad life without a partner and to get a boyfriend. I don’t rise to any of it

but now her childish behaviour is affecting my son

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louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 12:32

HobbyHorse30 · 23/11/2024 09:43

All excellent advice.

If you're on the phone long enough for her to be firing multiple insults at you about different things then you've enabled that - you should have ended the call at the very first insult (and yes, obviously she's in the wrong for insulting you're weight and mental health but by enabling it you're fuelling the drama). Again, if you know he behaves like that when she's there and you know he puts you on loudspeaker, stop calling him.

Yeah that’s definitely the last time I’m going to call him

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louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 12:32

roastiepotato · 23/11/2024 12:15

She sounds insufferable

She is insufferable. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her about mine and his son, and I got called cheeky and rude

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louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 12:37

This was after the phone call. I said to my son’s dad I’m worried to let him around her if she can’t respect safety concerns.

im not communicating with her anymore. This was from her

Step-parent Troubles
OP posts:
HobbyHorse30 · 23/11/2024 23:53

louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 12:37

This was after the phone call. I said to my son’s dad I’m worried to let him around her if she can’t respect safety concerns.

im not communicating with her anymore. This was from her

You're as bad as each other. Why are you messaging one another? You shouldn't even be giving her the time of day

StormingNorman · 24/11/2024 00:02

Your ex is a weak man. Choose your battles wisely because as long as she’s the one sucking his cock you won’t win any. Fighting at all is futile but not fighting will erode your sense of being a good mum.

StormingNorman · 24/11/2024 00:05

louise1makeup2 · 23/11/2024 12:37

This was after the phone call. I said to my son’s dad I’m worried to let him around her if she can’t respect safety concerns.

im not communicating with her anymore. This was from her

Send this screenshot to your ex. If there’s one thing evil stepmum’s hate, it’s their DP knowing how they really feel about their children.

BruhWhy · 24/11/2024 09:01

The laughing emojis, the tone of it all... I'm sorry but it seems, at least from here, you're still extremely emotionally invested. I'm not blaming you for that, they haven't set the bar high. But you have to set the tone going forward now and leave all petty childishness behind, you need to become a bland robot or this will just go round and round. You can't beat dickheads like this at their own game, you need to be playing 3D chess.

Ultimately, you can't control what they post online of your child. Not without legal intervention. Verbal agreements don't count for much.

If you genuinely believe this woman poses a danger to your child you need to get legal advice.

louise1makeup2 · 24/11/2024 09:34

HobbyHorse30 · 23/11/2024 23:53

You're as bad as each other. Why are you messaging one another? You shouldn't even be giving her the time of day

No I highly disagree with this. Too much has happened to explain everything since the beginning of the year. But no one is invincible and I’m allowed to stick up for myself. So much has been put to one side, but when it comes to posting my child, when I’m trying to protect him, crosses the line. I don’t repost stuff about her or make childish TikTok’s about me. Don’t call her names. When I didn’t reply to her for 30 minutes whilst I was taking my son to swimming, I got called worse than anything. Absolutely nothing like her, I’ve reacted really well. There’s always one person that tries to paint you with the same brush, you don’t know the full story

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louise1makeup2 · 24/11/2024 09:36

StormingNorman · 24/11/2024 00:02

Your ex is a weak man. Choose your battles wisely because as long as she’s the one sucking his cock you won’t win any. Fighting at all is futile but not fighting will erode your sense of being a good mum.

You hit the nail on the head with this one. Add on as well that her family takes care of him, he’s had new carpets in his home, her family does the food shopping. You’d think because of his childhood trauma and his mam not putting him first, that he’d do better by his son. Imagine if it was me putting a new partner first before my son, there’d be riots

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