Step-parent Troubles

[louise1makeup2]

Hi my son’s dad has a new partner. They met March, he moved her in less than a month. It was an extremely difficult year, the way we’ve been getting on (me and my son’s dad have a 5 year old) is by keeping my mouth shut :(
hes 26, im 24 & his partner is 20 (19 when they first met and a lot of drama when she was this age)

she isn’t mature and has no respect for me. In arguments she’s mentioned my weight, mental health, everything. Never apologised but I’ve of course moved on as I put my son first

atm I think what’s spiralled it, is because I’ve said nothing, she has no respect for me and calls all the shots. And my ex allows it because he’s scared of being single.

the problem I’ve got now, is I’ve got a no social media agreement with our sons dad, no pictures to be posted of him. She went against this and thought ‘I wouldn’t mind’ cos it was the back of him. She took it down as we were getting on then. We had an argument earlier on this week, as I told my sons dad it was children in need the next day (my son was at his dads) and he went ‘can you not buy something’ and I went ‘with what money’ (gives no child maintenance and cm don’t take it out is his benefits even tho claim is there)

and he went not my fault you’ve got no money. I then said ‘what we gonna do’ and he said ‘I don’t know what YOUR gonna do’ and we then argued because I said that Wasn’t fair to say, he’s ours, our responsibility, and I’ve told you about this so why is the stress on me. The solution wasn’t the problem. I was always gonna pull through for my son, it was the ‘he lives with you, your responsibility’. his gf then messaged with a solution, I was taking my son to swimming, replying bk to my sons dad, but was gonna reply to her in 20 mins. My sons dad said she said I wasn’t allowed in the house (I never said anything to her or disrespectful or anything to him) (she just wanted to say that as she’s got the power now her name is on all the bills etc). She then again called me nasty names (never said any back apart from she’s immature and she didn’t need to get involved). She said I was cheeky and rude for saying ‘what money’ and that I was so rude for not replying.

sorry that story was important as since then, I’ve messaged him asking her to remove her recent TikTok. And she’s in front of a picture wall at theirs with my son’s photos all in the background. If it was blurry etc I wouldn’t have minded but you can see my son, none of them have replied or taken it down. I don’t know what to do but it’s so ironic and cheeky to say I was being rude and disrespectful even though I was replying and not being rude. But they’re doing that now? I messaged yesterday evening but he’s at a funeral for an extended family member today, so obviously going to leave it probably but what do I do, if she doesn’t remove it? How do I establish boundaries and try to gain a little respect? If they can’t respect removing a TikTok, what other things do the not respect 😭

I tried setting the bar months ago when I dropped off my son, he hurt his elbow and I wasn’t allowed in to my son’s dad’s house to comfort him and clean him up. His elbow was bleeding. She didn’t live there, but she was controlling what was happening. I had to put my son first over my feeling and drive away, as I didn’t want to argue in front of my son, and my sons dad would’ve got aggressive if I tried coming in to comfort my son. But that was the most heart wrenching thing ever, a 19 year old girl at the time, controlling how I comfort my son. I told my son’s dad there she’s gonna think she’s got the power to say what goes on with him, because she controlled that moment. And he didn’t listen.

i know until something legal gets put in place, technically I can’t control what she posts. But my son’s dad agrees it should be taken out. But she won’t. If that were me I wouldn’t have a partner that disrespected the rules, but he’s scared of being single.

this situation is the worst

I did. He didn’t reply.

You all sound about 12. Poor child caught up in all of this.

It sounds really childish. By that I mean all of you. She has annoyed you so now you are ranting on about a tik tok with your son in the background?? Get a grip. Stop bickering with them. Communicate calmly with him about what needs saying. Do what you can to get money from him and leave the stuff you can't change unless it is important and by that I mean genuinely important rather than just irritating.

He’s awful OP. A poor excuse for a man. And she’s just as bad.

Children having children , you were her age when you had a child, she’s 19 and possible a future step mum, and a man boy that refuses to grow up ,messy all around
Get yourself a solicitor, put everything in a court order ( visitation, child maintenance, social media)

Yeah she is. At times he’s not because he does listen. It’s only me putting my son first and pulling through for him, as I should in his mother. I’ve reacted incredibly well thank you

I stated before hand that whether we were getting on or not, it would’ve been asked to be removed. She said happy birthday on Facebook to him, and used a photo of the 3 of them with the back of my son’s head, she took it down when asked. My family know me well and showed me the TikTok and didn’t know we ‘weren’t getting on’. I reacted the same as I would’ve always done. It’s no one’s business that we share a child, and no one’s business that she’s in a relationship with a man. It’s not about the TikTok it’s about my son being on social media. The school took down images when he was in the background, don’t know why she can’t

i tried setting up a child maintenance claim but he quit his job. He’s her carer now. She works cash in hand and doesn’t declare. Her grandad buys food shopping. And child m wont take it out his benefits as it leaves him with less than the minimum apparently

It’s actually not children having children, as it’s not her child and she’s the only one acting like a child?

i don’t wish to go to court currently. That’s the thing. What rules we agree on, is up to us. I don’t want a court to decide when I can see my child. I don’t want our lives picked apart by strangers. So many reasons but I am not going to court unless he forces me to

I can handle my own feelings. It just breaks my heart for our son. He said the other week he’d get him. He didn’t as their lift fell through. I still offered to take him as I knew our son was expecting him.

he didn’t come because his girlfriend wouldn’t allow him to be in the car with me by himself.

first thing my son said was ‘where’s my daddy’. And then when dad spoke to son, he lied and said ‘he couldn’t get down’ when he could, I offered. And I just had to be silent. My son kicked off in the car because ‘mammy didn’t get daddy’. And I just had to drive in tears :(

First things first- STOP 🛑 just stop, no replies, no contact, im sorry for what happened to you, but him having a few photos on social media does not mean he is in danger- i think that is just something extra to argue about when its just trivial, you will never get their respect and you thinking you can/trying is gonna make them worse, cut her out completely, there is no reason for you both to be talking, if your ex has regular contact there is no reason for you to be in contact with him via text etc unless it is something serious, hand ds over give brief instructions ie- he has children in need tomorrow, £1 in his bag- in person not via text, and that is all that needs to be done, if they text anything that isn’t a question about your son do not reply, or keep replies short- example “son had great time doing children in need today” reply “great, glad he is happy” done- do not open up for conversation, stop your friends/family from stirring the pot- sister sending you that tiktok is just petty and wasn’t needed its just childish.
Be the grown up one and ignore them simple.

I do agree with some of what you said. However just because someone can do something, doesn’t mean they should. I could put my son into a hobby or clothing his dad doesn’t agree with. And I’d listen to his opinion, and honour his wishes even if I didn’t agree. We both agree about no photos including background, he is too scared of his girlfriend and to be single. I did not mention it to argue, as I asked really nicely when I messaged her. She just refused to like a child. We’ve had this agreement since forever, no photos, no mentions nothing. And people can have their opinion whether they agree or not for the reasoning, but it’s my son and if he dad agrees, I’m struggling to see why other people can’t follow our wishes.

Your replies here, your response to any kind of criticism and the way you seem determined not to distance yourself from either of them all reflect a level of emotional maturity that needs worked on.

have you read all the responses? Because I haven’t disagreed with everything and I haven’t refused to distance myself. I have. I have her blocked and my son’s dad hasn’t messaged for our son last night or today, and I’ve not messaged either?

even before this falling out, I didn’t contact him often unless I had to. Before he had a girlfriend I’d send so much of what our son was doing etc, but since having a girlfriend I was accused of wanting him, so I just stripped it back to the bare minimum. He’d take days to reply even if it was urgent and I’d never comment on that.

if I just ‘let’ her post and not speak up when I disagree, then they’d do whatever they want. The first thing to do with them, is communicate. I talked to his dad after she refused, and he agreed with me. The issue is her.

if we both just said nothing because she refused, she’d do whatever she wanted in regards to a child that isn’t hers. Her opinion is the pictures are blurry and it’s ridiculous. Doesn’t matter as me and my son’s dad disagreed. Why should her opinion be what happens.

i could technically post pictures of her or anything she isn’t happy with. I wouldn’t whether I wanted to or not.

Then you let him control you far too much if that is the case, he shouldn’t have that control over you nor you him, you need to realise that you’re not a family anymore that makes joint decisions about everything and all is hunky dory, as long as child is happy and well cared for- you have no say in how he spends his time with his son and vise versa, it literally needs to come down to agreeing on just the basics/ important stuff to stop petty arguments like this forming, like discipline, school meetings, healthcare, and let the rest go, you might not like it but is it really affecting your sons wellbeing/health/happyness?- if the answer is no it needs no further action.

I understand what you mean, however that isn’t how things were like. He’s not controlling me. I had respect as his opinion as his dad. Yes we are spilt, everyone does things differently. Some people have the use a Third party to drop children off etc. For years we had days out the 3 of us. Completely understand she’s not comfortable with that etc and things can’t be the same. Completely get that.

the only thing I have an issue with is the pictures. Like he uses an iPad at his constantly, I don’t agree with that, but I’ve said nothing because that was his dad’s choice. I think a lot general assumptions have been made. The only person that wants control is her. I just don’t want any photos background or not, mine and his family have to follow the same rules and have reacted the same when both of our families disrespected it

YOU have an issue with it yes but does your son? Again if its not affecting his wellbeing/happiness/health than no action needed, save yourself the hassle, you have all fallen out-which will affect your son- over a couple of background pictures which no one will pay any attention to.

He’s 4, he would be happy with chocolate for breakfast everyday if he could. Like I said, I see where you’re coming from. But each parent will view different on it. And that’s totally fine, but he’s mine and one non negotiable is no photos. If I said nothing, or stood back because she said no, then she’d keep doing things against my parenting wishes. And if we can find a medium ground, which we did, then great.

also the bigger picture. I don’t get why my sons dad wants someone like that around our son that can’t respect wishes and says that about his son

He’s a shit dad and he’s not even paying for him, I’d stop him seeing him altogether

All of your posts are about what you think about your ex, his childish girlfriend etc etc. You are right they sound awful. However getting into these battles is also awful. The back of your child's head in a photo is not a safety issue. It is just annoying because she isn't respecting what you have asked. Getting involved in messages back and forth does not help. It makes it worse.

I completely agree. I do promise you though I keep everything 98% to myself. It’s only this one particular subject where I’ve spoken up. But even when I was getting called, still kept my mouth shut and tried to focus back onto the photos. I don’t want anyone knowing there is a child involved. For example, back of his head in her public photos. I was abused when I was younger and said person was never charged and I’m not 100% sure if they know or his name etc. It’s just so heart wrenching my sons dad has always agreed. When I was on the phone to him I said you know the reason, and she replied ‘oh you think I don’t know but I do’
which makes it even worse because if he’s told her, he’s betrayed my trust, and even her knowing that, she won’t remove it :(

ive blocked her completely since that WhatsApp, i never replied more and I’ve heard nothing from him

He is :( I was so happy when he got a girlfriend so he could leave me along. Im single but he always tried getting back together and I felt so uncomfortable
but all it’s done is made him a bad dad. Even when he first met her he cancelled on his Saturdays to have her over :( introduced her to our son without my permission.

there’s nothing I can say or do to try to tell him to not let our son down and put him first. Just grieving the parent he once was. Might not have paid, and might’ve needed support (lifts or money for gas and electric) but he was there for our son and did mainly right by him :(

Unfortunately you chose to have a baby with this man.

That means, unless there are serious safeguarding issues your Ex has the right to make any decision he wants, in regards if his son.

If that means his GF is very involved, that is his choice.

If there are serious safeguarding issues you need to address those legally.

If there aren't, then although you may not like your Ex’s parenting, you need to step away.

You and GF should not be in contact. Block her.
Ask your family not to show you anything that she is doing.
Communicate only with your Ex, only about your child. A separate phone is great for that, keeping contact separate to the rest of your life.

Move on, it doesn't matter what GF thinks of you, you don't need to be in touch to prove anything. You are too involved and thus means you are giving her more power than ever.

You all seem incredibly immature. The message exchange you’ve screenshot and shared here is absolutely ridiculous.

Why are you even responding to her? You've made yourself look so immature in those messages