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Original poster

Can't bear to leave my son, am I weird? Feeling Pressure :(

61 replies

jaynz · 27/04/2008 23:56

My DS is 10m now, and up until yesterday I'd only left him with his Dad (not due to
being short of offers though), and the longest for a couple of hours. Then yesterday his parents were up for a long weekend and they offered to look after him while we went to the movies. DH was keen, his parents are fine, responsible etc.

I was reluctant but went anyway, and was in tears before we'd even got to the end of the driveway. I sobbed pretty uncontrollably all the way there, and sniffled my way through the movie, then came home on a mission! DH offered 3 times to go back home but I'm going back to work in about a month - DS staying home with Dad, so ok-ish about that, so I feel like I've got to get a little tougher.

But getting pressure from comments like 'he has to learn to be independant' etc.

I felt like I'd abandoned him, and really let him down, what if he needed me? He was fine by the way - I just wasn't.

Anyone else out there the same or am I a weirdo?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

oranges · 27/04/2008 23:57

oh he's a baby. spend as much time as you want with him, esp before you start work.
x

aviatrix · 27/04/2008 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Joolyjoolyjoo · 28/04/2008 00:02

Aww, it's really tough leaving them! I went overnight to a wedding when dd1 was 14mths. The wedding was fine, but I lay awake crying all night in the hotel, cos I missed her so much! I think you are normal, but it does get easier- don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing!

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wrinklytum · 28/04/2008 00:08

Aaahh,Its hard leaving them at first but you will get more accustomed when she gets older.

(DS is 4.5 now and sometimes I pray for someone to take him away for a few hours )

stuffitllama · 28/04/2008 00:14

In a month you might be more ready. Spend all the time you want with your baby while you can. Independence? No. They'll be saying he needs to be "socialised" next.

WinkyWinkola · 28/04/2008 00:16

You didn't let your DS down. He was fine. He still needs his mummy though! You're just not ready to leave him yet. That's fine. You take your time.

All this independence cobblers - don't listen to it. Children aren't independent until they're adults Obviously there are varying degrees of independence as they get older.

Just take your time and if you don't want to leave him for long, don't. Or plan things that you can dash back from i.e. a restaurant up the road and leave him with a babysitter that won't judge you for coming back pronto.

lisad123 · 28/04/2008 00:20

My DD2 is 7 months and still not left her apart from with her dad, oh and my mum for an hour when I went to physio. I nearly killed my dad when he said he wanted to go to get petrol on the way home from my physio Its hard, and natural
I sobbed for days when I went back to work with DD1 and wont be going back to my old job now I have had DD2

lispy · 28/04/2008 02:41

what a nice thread!

hellish · 28/04/2008 02:44

I didn't go out until dd1 was one, MIL babysat, I remember wanting to jump out of the car and run home, just to get there quicker.
Äbsolutely normal, in fact I still hate leaving them and they are 8 and 5(I do though)

isaidno · 28/04/2008 03:46

My Ds are 2 and 4. MIL is always offering to have them overnight / for a few days so DH and I can go somewhere together.

But I don't want to, and I won't! We do go out, but I still like to tuck them into bed myself first!

Again · 29/04/2008 23:05

Glad others are the same!

My ds is 10 months too and I go back to work in a month! Dh will look after him 2 days and finding someone to look after him other day.

I feel totally sick about it!

alfiesbabe · 29/04/2008 23:15

All quite natural as long as you keep perspective. Of course any talk about a ten month old being independent is bollocks. But what ISN'T bollocks is that children need opportunities to construct warm and positive relationships. If a mother smothers her child to the extent that she can hardly let the father get a look in, then it's clearly not healthy. You are depriving the child of a basic human right ie to learn to relate to and interact with others. If you continue to weep and worry and not enjoy any time away from your child, even though you know that he is safe and well and his needs are being met, then you have a problem. YOU are too dependent on your child. If, as is likely to happen, you quickly realise that a night at the movies is a welcome opportunity, and that you can go back to work and enjoy your job and the company of adults - then you're perfectly normal!!

gyp5y · 04/05/2008 12:46

Oh my goodness, I could cry! My lo is 10 months and I don't like leaving her either (except with dp sometimes, my Mum lives abroad so not an option) but don't admit this coz when she was THREE MONTHS OLD dp's dad had massive go at me, ridiculed me, asked if I needed 'professional help' and told me 'to bring her up normal' because I didn't feel comfortable with them taking her out shopping (20 min drive away) especially as she was refusing a bottle and when i'd left her once before with them (against my wishes but didn't want to cause a scene) dp and I had been unhappy at their response to us not wanting their rotweiler in the house whilst she was there. I feel so much better for hearing others feel the same, most mums I know don't have an issue with it or don't talk about it - thank you!

alfiesbabe · 04/05/2008 15:49

But gyp5y, you are talking about quite specific problems. I wouldnt leave a baby who might need feeding and would refuse a bottle, and no way would I leave any of my children (even now they're in their teens) in a house with a rotweiler in it! Those are basic issues to do with safety and well being. What the OP described was being unable to enjoy an evening at the movies with her DH while has 10 month old is looked after by his grandparents!! She describes sobbing all the way to the film, and her poor DH offering to go home several times!! I don't think that's healthy. A parent ought not to be so dependent on their child that they are unable to function without them - it's an unfair pressure to put on a child, who even at 10 months will be soaking up the emotions and feelings of those around him.

soapbox · 04/05/2008 16:14

I am going to go against the grain here a little bit

Your DS at 10mo was most likely wrapped up in bed for the majority of the time you were out and so this is about your feelings, not about him needing you at this particular time.

Your reaction sounds a little bit strong tbh, crying all the way there about being away from him for a very short time whilst he was asleep does rather sound alarm bells for me.

How do you feel otherwise - do you feel that bad things might happen to him if you are not there with him? Are you generally a little bit anxious about him?

mud · 04/05/2008 16:18

at 10 months your sobbing at a movie whic must be 2-3 hours away from him? I think that's too much actually and you need to get it in check

your child doesn't need independence that's just stupid. But you do need to be able to go away from him for an extended time without sobbing through it otherwise you wont mange working.

You need to go out more until you normalise yoru feelings and you need to do it before you go abck to work

alfiesbabe · 04/05/2008 16:20

I agree soapbox - that was what I was getting at. Needing to know that your child is safe and their needs are being met is totally normal and right, and a certain degree of feeling a little strange is also natural when you have a very young baby who is dependent on you and you leave them at first. I remember feeling a little 'odd' when my first dc was about 3 weeks old, and I tanked her up with a breastfeed and left her sleeping looked after by my DH while I did the supermarket run. I wouldnt say i was upset or anxious though - it was more just feeling a little strange. To be weeping uncontrollably at being apart from a 10 month old is I would say not within the 'healthy' range of feelings. This is about the mother being too needy and dependent on her child.

soapbox · 04/05/2008 16:23

It may not be as easy though as 'normalising' feelings. There may be a variety of reasons why the OP is feeling this way, but telling someone how they 'should' feel isn;t really terribly helpful, imo

hotpotmama · 04/05/2008 16:27

I know how you feel its completely normal. When my first DS was a few months old I went for a half beauty day which I ended up abandoning as I had tried to call my mum but she didn't hear her phone as was out on a walk with DS. Sent me into a major panic and I imagined all sorts and I drove round looking for her. Found her and all was well but it is really hard leaving them and hormones don't help either, neither do people putting pressure on you to leave them.

Am sure you will do it in your own time when you are ready, ignore anyone who makes you feel bad about it.

mud · 04/05/2008 16:48

i lurk here a lot soapbox and i see you telling people how they should feel a lot

the more she goes out, the easier it will get if shes going to wokr she cant be sobbing because she misses her child she has to be ablet o trust that hes happy and the only way shell build up that trust is if she realises that when shes out shes still his mum and hes safe. if it doesn't get better then she needs to see a gp in case she has pnd because it would then be obsessive and yes weird

gyp5y · 04/05/2008 16:49

Alfiesbabe, I understand your point and, whilst I personally wouldn't spend an evening out sobbing, jaynz said she had left the baby with his dad. I don't think it's helpful to add additional pressure on a ftm or make her feel abnormal. Whilst she may have no specific probs with her in-laws she doesn't know what they were like as parents of small children (good as i'm sure they were) or how competant they would be if they haven't been around babies for a long time i.e. since their son was born. I really feel the only people I trust with my lo are dp and my own mum and even then I wouldn't want to go out for more than a few hours. If people around jaynz had just laughed and said something supportive like "not to worry, we are all overprotective as new mums!" or offered to take lo for a short walk whilst she had a bath she might have felt more reassured. I'm sure if she was supported and given the opportunity to spend SHORT (what is wrong with starting with half an hour?!) amounts of time away from her baby whilst he is with someone she trusts completely and she is being spoilt/doing something nice and knows lo would be brought to her if upset she would get to be ok leaving him. I think half the problem is often the PRESSURE others put on you so it all gets out of proportion. As long as her lo is meeting lots of ppl and it's not getting in the way of bonding with his dad and it's the only issue (not sign of other emotional issues) he is still only little, taking it at a slower pace than some other mums wont do any harm and making her feel it is will only make things worse (or it would for me).

soapbox · 04/05/2008 16:54

Really Mud? I concede that I often tell people that there are certain behaviours that I find abhorant - but don't recall telling people how they should feel! But I am sure that you will post a long list of posts to prove me wrong!

Even if that were the case, telling someone who may have PND (or any other kind of depression) that they should feel a certain way, really isn't helpful!

mud · 04/05/2008 16:58

if someone asks if they are weird defined by the way they are behaving you think it's wrong to say yes and offer advice on how to be less wierd and more normal then? how odd

MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 16:59

What's 'normal' when you're a relatively new mum? I went on holiday to New York when my son was 4 mths old, leaving him with my mum. I'm sure lots of people would think that strange. I know people with 3 yr olds who have never had a night out away from their kids. People go with what works for them.

Once you're at work, you will no doubt get used to being away from your baby for some periods after the initial wrench. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself.

mud · 04/05/2008 16:59

anyway this is a sdie conversation and i don't want the op to think i think she's really weird

i think its normal to be upset at leaving your baby for the first time. but i think it gets easier the more you do it. if you have to return to work in a month then you need to be more used to it so you don't break down at work and make a fool of yourself so i would suggest that you do it more, not less, often or don't go back to work.

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