Can't bear to leave my son, am I weird? Feeling Pressure :(

[jaynz]

My DS is 10m now, and up until yesterday I'd only left him with his Dad (not due to
being short of offers though), and the longest for a couple of hours. Then yesterday his parents were up for a long weekend and they offered to look after him while we went to the movies. DH was keen, his parents are fine, responsible etc.

I was reluctant but went anyway, and was in tears before we'd even got to the end of the driveway. I sobbed pretty uncontrollably all the way there, and sniffled my way through the movie, then came home on a mission! DH offered 3 times to go back home but I'm going back to work in about a month - DS staying home with Dad, so ok-ish about that, so I feel like I've got to get a little tougher.

But getting pressure from comments like 'he has to learn to be independant' etc.

I felt like I'd abandoned him, and really let him down, what if he needed me? He was fine by the way - I just wasn't.

Anyone else out there the same or am I a weirdo?

No - not at all- but I think talking about normalising feelings to someone who may be depressed smacks a little bit of 'pull yourself together dear!;

Only read the OP. at the pressure you are getting. I would be exactly the same.
My dd's are 5 and nearly 3. I have still never left them overnight, apart from two occasions when I left dd1 with dh.
We have a wedding to go to and a night in a hotel without them this summer. DD2 will be 3 and I am now ready to leave them.
I know the dd's will be fine and this time I will be too but I have not been ready before now even though they would have been just fine. FWIW both the dd's are very independant of me and not at all clingy.
I went into town yesterday on my own and I missed the dd's . I found myself smiling like a loon at every 3 and 5 year old I saw....

Now read some other comments.
The idea that a 10 month old could miss out on things because his mother was too dependant on him is laughable imo.
Society today doesn't give us time to be the sort of mother we might want to. There is so much pressure to 'get your life back' or 'get back to normal'.
I didn't want my old life back or any sort of the normality I had before. My life had changed and I wanted my new life. I have never felt I am missing out on anything. As I said before I am now ready to leave the dd's and I am considering returning to work in a years time. This is what was right for us and didn't mean I was suffering from PND. If I had been pressured into leaving my child at 10 mths against my will to go to the cinema I would have cried too. The OP DID NOT WANT TO GO.
Thankfully I was overseas when my dd1 was small so she just came everywhere with us.

I think a lot of what mud is saying makes sense. The OP says she is going back to work in a month, yet she still can't leave her child for an evening without breaking down! If that were me, I'd be seriously worried, and doing everything within my power to make the situation better - and starting to go out more, building up in small steps and realising that your baby is fine and the world doesnt fall apart, seems a sensible suggestion to me.
Yes I know everyone is different, but with any behaviour/repsonse, there is a broad band which can be described as 'within normal limits'(for want of a better phrase). Some couples prefer not to use a babysitter for the first few years. Other people are ready to go abroad and leave their child with a person they trust well before that. I would say these are within the normal range, though probably at the extreme end. Being unable to leave a 10 month old for an evening with his grandparents to spend some quality time with you partner, sobbing before you get out of your driveway and basically being unable to spend that time apart from the child is in my view not within the normal range. The fact that the OP has posted suggests she knows that too. Her child needs to be allowed to have an independent existence apart from his mother.

But when the OP returns to work the ds will be with her DH, his father. This is different. Rightly or wrongly it is different.

Crossed posts there VP. Why is it 'laughable' that a child may be missing out on building relationships with others if the mother is too needy and dependent on him? I don't think it's anything to laugh about. Children are human beings, not our 'belongings', existing to make us feel good. I'm not saying that in this specific case the OPs child will be harmed. What I was saying is that this type of behaviour and obsessiveness will be soaked up by the child eventually. Children are intelligent little beings. If the OP is returning to work and is unable to leave her child without weeping and feeling awful, then those emotions will rub off on the child. The worst case scenario is that the child could become clingy and insecure.
I suppose central to all of this is remembering that when we decide to embark on the wonderful adventure of parenthood, we are bringing people into the world. And we need to allow them to flourish, grow, interact with other people. Of course we want to guide them and care for them in the ways we are comfortable with. But good parenting means remembering that mum and dad have their own lives too.

Relationships are like concentric circles aren't they? Yes, of course the mother and father are both at the centre, but there are many other relationships a child needs to experience to adjust successfully to the world. For many people, grandparents/godparents/close sfriends/childminder will also be pretty significant.
Remember there have been posts on MN before from mothers who are barely able to let the baby's father be a hands on parent. The fact is that some mothers do become very possessive, and feel an irrational fear that no one else can look after 'their'(!) child in quite the right way. I'm sure hormones play a part in this, as does personality (some people naturally more easy going and outward looking) and in some cases it could be a serious case of PND.
Again, I'm not saying that this is the case with the OP. In fact in my first post, I said that I fully predict that she'll get back to work and be so busy that she won;t have time to worry,and that before long she'll see an evening out at the movies as a welcome treat.Thats the case with most people.But if she is unable to adjust, then it's a sign of a more serious issue, and for her own and her child's sake she needs to deal with it.

I completely agree with you on the bringing people into the world and the need to teach them and guide them and not dictate and let them make their own mistakes etc but really feel that there is plenty of time for that. A 10 month old is still a baby imo and won't be 'damaged' by a mother behaving like this. If the OP was still doing this at nursery age then there would be issues but imo 10 months is too young to for this to be an issue.
I am growing as a parent with my child. When she was 3 the thought of her going to school filled me with panic and dread because I was looking at her as a 3 yo going to school. Of course when the time came I felt she was well prepared and she and I were more ready. I won't deny missing her when she is there though. However she would never be aware of that. I think the messages you send your children are v important as they get older ie always being +ve and not voicing your fears in front of them. She is now thriving at school and loves it.
I just feel at 10 mths old the OP should not feel bad about not wanting to leave her baby. I think that is instinct and hormones in some cases and perfectly normal.

My yungest is 15 months and I've only left him once, for a whooping 30 minutes....I was fine leaving him, he absolutley sobbed though!

I was just Pg with ds4 when I had my 1st (and only) night away from them...and ds1 was 7 by then!!!

It's totally normal IMO, just enjoy him before you go back to work

i think its weird.

Oh yes the influence of g-parents and friends and teachers on a child is priceless and def to be encouraged. It is very important, but again much more important as the child grows up, not necessarily at 10 months....

No, a baby and mother are designed to work together in a symbiotic relationship and it is not weird to feel upset or unsettled if you are away from them

This is not really about the OP going to the cinema once, though, is it? It's about the fact she's going to have to start leaving her baby soon to go to work. And the people around her are forcing the agenda as to how she starts getting used to doing that.

I hardly think she's going to fail to let go, but the fact that people around her are starting to insinuate that she has to let go right now, I mean come on it's only one trip to the cinema isn't it, don't be so stupid is hardly going to help.

I'm not really a weeper, but I think I'd be crying my eyes out through the film too in that situation.

i think this is only natural. i left my dd1 at 9mths for first time and cried everyday we were apart for about 3 months. it does get better nad now im completely ok with leaving both my children as i know they are in safe hands.

'a baby and mother are designed to work together in a symbiotic relationship'. We all have symbiotic relationships to a greater or lesser extent with those around us - partner/children/friends. What is a relationship if there isn't some degree of mutual dependence? The question is whether it's healthy for a mother who will be returning to work next month to be so distressed at leaving her 10 month old for a few hours. My feeling is that it isnt.
I think we also need to clarify that the degree of dependence on a child (or a partner for that matter) does not correlate to how much you love your child or how well you care for them. Being hugely dependent on your child or for that matter on your partner, doesn't mean you love them 'more'.

"Being hugely dependent on your child or for that matter on your partner, doesn't mean you love them 'more'."

did somebody say that it did?

Implying the OP's relationship with her baby is unhealthy is quite a leap, also

I said I would be really concerned if I were so distressed at leaving my 10 month old child with his grandparents for en evening. My DH would also find it extremely stressful and difficult if I reacted like that. Maybe that seems quite 'a leap' to you. I'm just being honest. I would find it pretty unbearable to live like that. I'm not saying the OP is finding life unbearable, but she clearly has concerns to post about it in the first place. Hopefully with the advice and support she's been given, she'll be able to adjust and feel happy and comfortable in the way that her DH obviously is.

When I first left my daughter for any length of time, she was 5 and a half months old and I had to leave her because I had to go back to work. I left her before that to pop out for half an hour to the shops or whatever, but never ever for five hours. I know five hours isn't long and I was leaving her with my aunt who is about the kindest person I know, but I cried all the way to work, thought about her the whole time I was there and couldn't wait to get back to her. She's now 20 months and nobody but me or her father has ever put her to bed. I don't think I have an unhealthy relationship with her at all. I just recognise that she likes it best if I am with her and that makes me like it best too. There are years and years ahead for her to positively enjoy and look forward to nights spent at her grandparents etc - why rush things?

I was identical with DS till he was about 18months....now he's ten and very independent so it hasn't made him clingy....

You have to do what feels right for you, dont be pressurised into satisfying other people's needs. If he senses you are doing things against your will it might unsettle him. Babies need strong bonds withe their parents before they can go out into the big wide world

The part I was referring to, alfiesbabe, was when you said

"The question is whether it's healthy for a mother who will be returning to work next month to be so distressed at leaving her 10 month old for a few hours. My feeling is that it isnt."

Saying that you and your partner would find it awkward or upsetting to feel this way, is quite different from saying that to feel this way is not healthy. That was the leap.

Healthy, awkward, upsetting... it's all a case of semantics isnt it? I still think that for a mother who is returning to work in a month's time to feel so distressed at leaving her child for a few hours is not in a healthy emotional state. To be working outside the home (or even to enjoy a cinema trip with your partner) you need to be able to trust other people that they take care of your child, relax, and turn your attention to what you are doing.
It's nothing to do with a 10 month old learning independence Psychobabble - that's clearly nonsense. It's about a parent not being so dependent on their child that they can't enjoy life without the child physically being there.

No, I don't think those things are a matter of semantics
I think you are stating a preference on one hand - for things not being what you see as awkward - and making a judgement on the other - the OP's feelings being unhealthy

referring to natural closeness between a mother and baby as 'a parent being so dependent' is a very unusual and IMO odd viewpoint

Well we'll have to agree to disagree FAZ! I would say I had a natural closeness to my babies, yet I would never have sobbed on a night out when I left them with their grandparents, and TBH, I don't know any of my friends who did that either. Nor did my DH, and he would say he had a natural closeness to all our babies too.
I do see a big leap, or big difference, between experiencing the natural parental bond, and experiencing extreme distress at being physically separate from your child for a short period of time. The latter does suggest to me a parent who has an unhealthy dependence on her child. Many other posts have said the same so its clearly NOT an unusual viewpoint.