Can't bear to leave my son, am I weird? Feeling Pressure :(

[jaynz]

My DS is 10m now, and up until yesterday I'd only left him with his Dad (not due to
being short of offers though), and the longest for a couple of hours. Then yesterday his parents were up for a long weekend and they offered to look after him while we went to the movies. DH was keen, his parents are fine, responsible etc.

I was reluctant but went anyway, and was in tears before we'd even got to the end of the driveway. I sobbed pretty uncontrollably all the way there, and sniffled my way through the movie, then came home on a mission! DH offered 3 times to go back home but I'm going back to work in about a month - DS staying home with Dad, so ok-ish about that, so I feel like I've got to get a little tougher.

But getting pressure from comments like 'he has to learn to be independant' etc.

I felt like I'd abandoned him, and really let him down, what if he needed me? He was fine by the way - I just wasn't.

Anyone else out there the same or am I a weirdo?

'I felt like I'd abandoned him, and really let him down, what if he needed me? He was fine by the way - I just wasn't.' - that's a quote from the OP. If it's not dependence, then it's certainly an extreme reaction. Sometimes we convince ourselves that someone really needs us and can't function without us when really the dependence is the other way round - we need them. Anyway, whether it's dependence or not isnt really the central issue - it's the fact that a parent is so clearly distressed at the situation.

Yes we can agree to disagree, of course - but it is interesting to talk about it, also
I know other people have said similar things on this thread but you have perhaps expressed yourself the most strongly - I am not trying to single you out for any other reason

I honestly think, that feeling your baby needs you and depends on you, is a natural and desirable state to be in as a parent - one to be encouraged where possible - not something unhealthy or disturbing
how we then deal with the demands that society / work / social life / other people's expectations put on us, is another matter, but to feel that way in the first place is perfectly admirable and normal, IMO

Not read the full thread. But, do what you want to do. And don't be pressurised by others telling you that you should do this or that. I agree that it is useful for him to be able to go somewhere else - e.g. if you were ill etc. But not essential.

I know someone who basically takes every opportunity to be away from her baby, and that is sooooo much worse!

BTW, if you are going back to work, it would be even more useful to prepare yourself in advance. I cried for weeks at work when I went back first time.

Thanks for everyone's input Just to clarify a few, it was an avo movie, at his busiest time of the day and when he feeds the most - although he's pretty good at waiting if he's distracted.

When I go back he'll be with his Dad who literally does half of everything (except the bf of course!), and I'll have the freedom to come and go a few times during the day, so can continue to bf - which is why I feel the pressure is unfair. I don't have worries leaving him with his Dad at all, he's the best Dad I could hope for He has heaps of contact with other people too, incl babies and kids.

The prob with leaving him is that he might need me and I won't be there to meet his needs, which I believe is my job as his Mum.And that makes me feel like I'm letting him down - how can I justify that 'leisure' time for myself is more important than making sure my baby has his needs met in the best way possible, by his parents? Of course I don't mean physically etc, he's just as likely to hurt himself with me as anybody, and his grandparents are more than capable.

I think that part of it is that they did things differently with their kids, left them to cry, gave them farax at 3 months etc. It's so different, although I do think that they would respect those differences and do things more our way. I think maybe I'd be more ok if it were friends of ours, who do things the same with their little ones.

Thanks for the sensitivity re pnd, fortunately I don't suffer from depression but it's nice to see that people recognize the effect it can have on Mums.

We're having another baby in Oct and I wonder if that's part of the stress? Hormones aren't something I've ever had an issue with but who knows?

Thanks again, sorry for long post!

Aah I see! Would have been helpful to say that in the OP as there was no mention that your ds would need bf. You just made it sound as if he wouldnt need you but you were still sobbing and distressed and unable to enjoy your cinema trip!
Of course a bf baby who won't take an expressed feed can't be left by the mother! That makes perfect sense now!

Sorry! Brain fart (that's what DH lovingly calls momentary - and not so momentary - periods of lapsed brain function!) He feeds every 2 hours still, more if he's teething, I think he likes how the milk tastes different too. Thanks for all your objectivity - it's go to see how things look from the outside

good to see I mean - wow really brain farting today!

I haven't time to read everything but fwiw I don't think you are abnormal and I would feel the same

I haven't read all this thread but thought I would add my thoughts having gone through excatly this with ds1

What you're feeling isn't weird or even unusual but it could become a problem if you don't deal with it. You need to discover that its ok for your ds to spend time on his own with other people, its actually good for him to learn that its safe and good to be with people other than mummy

that doesn't mean you're abandoning him nor does he need to learn to be independent, he's a baby and won't be independent for a looong time. what he does need to learn is that he can depend on people other than mummy to provide some of his needs. now, and this is the bit i found tough to believe, that DOES NOT MEAN YOU WON'T CONTINUE TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN HIS LIFE

DS1 is 3.5 now and I still struggle with sharing him and leaving him with others but I know I HAVE to do it for his sake to ensure he grows to be a confident happy individual

ok having read back through previous posts I now discover my post missed the point sorry

Just ignore the pressure. Everyone is so different with this. I found it very hard early on. We first started going out for the evening when DS was about 6mo old, and he went to nursery one day a week soon after that. I remember at the time I was made to feel like a pathetic idiot by some people because I found that difficult. I know people who have no such qualms - one couple I know went to New York for a long weekend leaving their newborn with his grandparents for example. On the other hand, I have a friend who still hasn't been out for the evening and her DS is 18mo now. You have to let yourself feel what you feel and cope the best way you can, because it is hard and we all deal with it in our own ways. You are not a weirdo!