HH please - DD in hospital and C-section booked for Friday

[Sunshines89]

My 2.5yo DD is in hospital tonight with an infection - they don't know exactly what infection yet but she's on oxygen. I'm 39 weeks pregnant today and have a C-section booked for Friday. The doctor has said at this moment in time he thinks it's unlikely DD will be home before Friday.

We had a traumatic experience when DD was born, hence the planned C-section this time around. I've thought of every scenario surrounding baby's birth apart from this. DH is very upset at the stress of the situation. I feel numb right now.

It's 1:20am and I have no one to talk to, so am posting here. I don't see how we can both leave DD for baby's birth if she's not discharged by then. Our support network isn't great. Am I going to have to give birth on my own? Should I see if I can push the C-section back to next week and risk going into labour in the meantime? I guess at least I'd avoid a mad dash to hospital if that were to happen!

I feel so sad that we're just not meant to experience a "normal" birth, one to get excited about. DH said just two hours before we headed to hospital that he was excited for Friday, the first time he's felt that in 9 months. I feel so sad for us.

This sounds incredibly stressful, what a time for you all

Sounds like DH will have to stay with DD. Is there anyone you can reach out to?

Must be so tough

Fwiw I would not reschedule your section date as it stands

Oh OP this sounds horrendous I'm so sorry 💐

Will you be in the same hospital? Can your DH bounce back and forth?

I'd definitely ask about the implications of pushing it back/whether that's possible. Go with your gut x

Ask to reschedule c section - worth a try just for a couple more days to get DD home.

Who was supposed to be looking after her when you went in on Friday?

I am sorry to hear this - I would speak to your Dr / Maternity team and ask them what they advise. If DD is in the same hospital obviously easier.

For what it is worth I had my first DC by Cesarean - technically emergency not planned , and I don't give a hoot about what a "normal" birth is considered by others . He was born healthy . But I understand why you are worried.

Who was going to have your daughter when you went in to have you Csection? Could they not come to the hospital and sit with your daughter? X

My mum was going to drop her off at nursery for us and the plan was, all being well, DH would pick her up in the evening and spend the night with her then come back to the hospital to be with me the next morning. I don't know what the rules are re other people coming in to sit with DD, the doctors and nurses haven't said that's an option. I had previously suggested my mum comes to the hospital in the evening to help me and baby while DH is with DD, but she just said "but you'll have nurses there to help you won't you?" So she clearly doesn't want to come to hospital if she can help it. I appreciate this changes the situation somewhat but it's difficult to ask for help when people aren't ready and willing, and have turned you down before.

We also haven't left DD overnight before, we're very much a unit of 3, and the prospect of someone having her overnight if needed due to baby's arrival was making us quite anxious as it was. And to leave her in a hospital ward when she's poorly is a whole other kettle of fish

In terms of "normal", I meant one to be excited about, where you can both experience the joy of bringing your baby into the world, by whatever means. We were robbed of that the first time around and it feels like we are about to be robbed of it again

I would ask your mum to step up on this occasion and spend the day with your daughter in hospital so your husband can be with you for the birth.

It's awkward and unpleasant if you feel she isn't 'ready and willing' but she's your mum at the end of the day. If she has a reasonably good relationship with you and your daughter then surely she will put herself out for something like this?

Other than that, I would ask for a doctor to give you a worst case scenario for when your daughter can go home and explore the option of pushing your section back if it's only a few days. Obviously dependant on safety etc.

Why cant your mum stay with your daughter while your husband is with you?

I dont think you should change your c-section slot

That sounds really stressful OP, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. In this instance I would be direct with your mum and tell her that if your daughter is in hospital on Friday then she needs to help, either by sitting with her so your husband can support you during c section or she supports you and husband stays with your daughter.

Have one of you been staying with your daughter over night whilst she's in hospital? Can your husband still do that? Realistically all being well you will be in hospital for 1 night post c section? But you will need help when you get home if either your husband or mum has to stay with your daughter as you will need help lifting and carrying your baby.

So sorry you are going through this, hope your DD recovers quickly.

I'd definitely push your mum to help with either you or your little one. Maybe explain to her that there are often inly a small number of nurses/midwives on post natal wards and after a c section you're going to need someone to help you, even if just to hold baby whilst you try and get some sleep or to do the changes.
Like others have said I'd explain the situation to your care team to see what they suggest/what your options are.

It depends on your dd’s diagnosis and how long she is likely to be in hospital. If it’s a couple of days I would seriously consider trying to push your c section back to mon/ tues of next week and hope you can continue with your original plan. Worst case scenario, I would get your mum to sit with dd during your section and DH with her otherwise. I had a c section during covid and DH was whisked in when I was in theatre/ left as I left recovery, so whilst not ideal, it is possible to do the other bits alone. Hope dd is on the mend asap.

To be honest, I would want my husband to be with daughter and this would let me feel happier about going ahead with the section knowing she is looked after. Unless of course there is a chance of pushing back the section, but then I'd worry I'd go into labour at any time which would mean unpredictability . It's a poor show if your mum won't visit or sit with her grandchild to allow husband to afterwards.

so sorry, that sounds stressful. I hope your dd bounces back asap.

I think there’s some work you can do on your own narrative here though. You’re not being robbed of anything. I don’t know anyone who is ever ‘excited’ about delivery tbh, it’s always fraught with uncertainty and anxiety around it going ok and whether other children will be ok whilst you’re away from them etc. But the focus is on getting the baby out safely, that’s the exciting part. That they’ll be joining your family.

Deliveries rarely go to plan, even if you elect a c section you can’t control all the variables or possible outcomes including post delivery complications. You’ve got to go into it with a much less fixed view of what a positive outcome looks like and let go of false ideals. The experience of having a second always differs to the first as you’ve got the older child to look after too, so there is always an element of being on your own and a lot less support.

I would just be gearing myself up for the section and hoping DH can be there for the delivery at least but knowing there were always going to be periods where you’ll be having to fly solo, If you have to do the delivery solo it will also be ok, you can do it. Eyes on the prize and all that. You can choose how you go into this, one of the few variables we can control when it comes to child birth.

I think this is very true. Statistically, a huge number of women don't experience the birth that they had anticipated or hoped. Having a very fixed idea of how you wanted things to go is more likely to lead to distress. Birth is always unpredictable. There's a lot of research around this so do try and let go of your vision for the ideal birth as it may not have happened even if your DD had been fine.

Will your DD be okay with your Mum visiting her? If so then this would probably be the best plan with your DH on call and ready to go to her if needed. I would be much clearer with your Mum about your wishes and needs here. She might be more comfortable sitting with your older DD than looking after you and the baby which will be noisy and stressful. If your DD wouldn't be okay with your Mum then I think that your DH will need to be with her. It's enormously scary but you will be okay birthing with your Mum or alone. Women birthed without a partner during COVID-19 and they were okay. If it comes down to it, then you will be okay. You've got this!

So we're all here right now as she got admitted at 10:30pm and they're running so many tests etc they're not worried about kicking DH out, so thankfully we're all able to stay together tonight at least. You make a good point about what happens after the baby and I are discharged, I hadn't even thought that far ahead... I think I'm going to have to see if we can push the C-section back in that case, it all just feels way too much to deal with at once!

@Sunshines89 that's a good idea op. If you can push it back that would help. You ideally want to feel relaxed and rested pre c section and I can't imagine you got any sleep tonight.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and perspectives. You make good points about positive birth stories - makes me wonder if all the "magical" births I see people post about online is all BS. Our bar for this pregnancy/birth was very low - no resuscitation or NICU - for some reason we hadn't anticipated DD being an issue on the day asides from maybe a tricky bedtime for my Mum. DD would be Ok to be with Mum, we see each other at least once or twice a week (which I think is what makes the lack of willingness sting more), in these situations she'll always want me and DH but it might just not be possible. I'll speak to triage this morning and see what they suggest then call my mum if they can come up with alternatives.

Sounds so stressful OP. I can’t imagine what you’re going through as I was one of the really fortunate ones who did have 4 magical births, but I really emphasise with your situation and my heart feels really heavy for you.

Your DH’s parents, are they around? Or any lovely aunts/uncles who could sit with your poor DD while you have your section?

I feel if I was in your situation I may even ask mum to be with me for the c section and DH stays
with DD. Not ideal but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. Just so so unfair this is happening for you at the worst possible time.

Wishing you the best of luck with your new baby and I hope your little girl feels better soon. One day this will all be a distant memory you’ll remind your new baby of every birthday, and you’ll know if you get through this (which you will) then you can get through anything.

Love.

Another option could be to see if you could find a doula to be with you through the section and support the days after either in the hospital or at home. I know it's not the same as DH, but it could lift some of the pressure from your DH feeling torn between caring for everyone.
Even if you delay till next week it may still be helpful if you end up having a longer stay in hospital.

If you you were my friend, I'd be at the hospital like a shot to sit with your dd while you give birth.

I think this is one of those times where you have to swallow your pride and put a call out to friends.

Children are resilient and can bounce back from illnesses pretty quickly, even when they seem really sick one day, they can turn a corner and literally the next day just seem under the weather.

Your mum is being crappy though. No two ways about it. And I'd be tempted to ask her directly to consider please coming to sit with dd from 11-3 on Friday (or whatever window you need).

What a situation. I hope your dd is OK. I hope Friday goes well. And I hope you're a team of 4 home at the weekend, all together, happy as can be.

It will all work out, one way or another.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP.

I've spent a bit of time on children's wards. In some hospitals it's just possible that if you stick with a planned section the staff may be able to book a play specialist to be with your daughter for a couple of hours so your DH can be with you for the birth.

I echo other posters though that in this situation, for any friend of mine, even those I don't know so well, I would want to help and come and sit with your DD.

If the situation ends up being that your DH has to stay with DD and you have the section on your own, my hunch is that the staff in theatre for your c section will make extra sure that they're extra supportive to you and it can still be a wonderful birth on your own. I was so pleasantly surprised at the warmth and lovely atmosphere the theatre staff made for my C section.

Sorry you are going through this OP 💐Friday as in tomorrow ? I am sorry there is not a hope your Dd will be discharged today if she has needed oxygen overnight (she will need to be off oxygen for 24 hours before they let her go home, also some tests take a minimum of 48hrs to come back). I would also be cautious of pushing your c-section into next week, you have a very tangible risk of going into spontaneous labour before monday and with weekend staffing levels you may be left for sometime before a theatre slot becomes available.

Agree with others your Mum needs to step up, presumably your hospital bag is packed so just needs grabbing ? Here it would be in the same hospital ( and on the same floor) so DH would only need "cover" for 2-3 hours for the birth and daytime too ! surely your Mum or a friend could manage that ? It is very likely all 3 of you could be discharged over the weekend and have a couple of weeks off at home recovering- surely that is better than another unsettling event for DD next week ?

I am looking at this from a different perspective
You said the original plan was to drop daughter at Nursery for the day while you have the C section. If you postpone the c-section she may well have been discharged by then but will she be well enough to go to Nursery? Not likely. So then you are still going to be in the same position of needing someone at home with daughter which means DH can't be with you for the birth. I personally think you go ahead as planned for tomorrow with the Csection. Ask your mum to sit with daughter for a couple of hours then DH can return to her after.