HH please - DD in hospital and C-section booked for Friday

[Sunshines89]

My 2.5yo DD is in hospital tonight with an infection - they don't know exactly what infection yet but she's on oxygen. I'm 39 weeks pregnant today and have a C-section booked for Friday. The doctor has said at this moment in time he thinks it's unlikely DD will be home before Friday.

We had a traumatic experience when DD was born, hence the planned C-section this time around. I've thought of every scenario surrounding baby's birth apart from this. DH is very upset at the stress of the situation. I feel numb right now.

It's 1:20am and I have no one to talk to, so am posting here. I don't see how we can both leave DD for baby's birth if she's not discharged by then. Our support network isn't great. Am I going to have to give birth on my own? Should I see if I can push the C-section back to next week and risk going into labour in the meantime? I guess at least I'd avoid a mad dash to hospital if that were to happen!

I feel so sad that we're just not meant to experience a "normal" birth, one to get excited about. DH said just two hours before we headed to hospital that he was excited for Friday, the first time he's felt that in 9 months. I feel so sad for us.

Personally I would contact your medical team today and discuss if it is possible to safely push the c section back a week. Give your little one the best chance of shifting whatever is going on before her sibling is born.

She is 39 weeks that push her beyond 40, if the baby's head gets too low a C-Section is much more difficult. There is also the very real risk of spontaneous labour, particularly with all this stress.

I hope things are going well for your DD now she is in hospital OP. You have my sympathy - not what you need at all at this time.

Re: your mum, I think firstly you need to be really blunt and tell her firmly that no, there won't be nurses there to help, either with your DD or with you. I know my mum cannot wrap her head around how little medical support both me and my sister had during our births, but then I suppose she wasn't there to experience it for herself. Likewise when DS was in hospital with RSV as a newborn, she did not get that there was no respite for me (10 days post C Section and also recovering from a chest infection), and that nurses only appeared every 3 hours or so. Things are very different from the 1980s.

Do you have a friend or sibling who could sit with your DD while you have your ELCS (which will be lovely, I'm sure. I've had 2 and they are magical)? Your DH can go back to your DD after setting you up with everything you need on your bed and fully prepping the post-natal staff that you will be alone overnight and have an older child in hospital so will need extra support. I wouldn't push back your CS, as if you go into labour before these plans become even more complicated (who would look after your DD if the baby came on a weekend?).

Which is why I said talk to the medical team who can advise on what’s best in her personal situation

Also I don’t think any plans of any adults going back and forth between children’s ward and maternity unit will be accepted. Too much risk of cross contamination if that happens - not only with the OPs children but the other babies and mothers.

as hard as it is I would plan on whichever adults are on “duty” at either position staying with that one.

But fine for the peadiatric doctors ? I spent many years running between labour ward, SCBU, A&E and the children's ward. Have you heard of hand hygiene ? Presumably OP's DH won't be handling any other newborns but his own ?

It is unlikely the obstetric team will be happy scheduling an elective CS after 40 weeks, but may feel they have to- maternal choice and all that. Doesn't mean it's without risk.

I honestly think your husband should look after your daughter and you should have your section alone. It's too big a risk to delay it, at least with a date and time you have something to plan around. Moving it could introduce new variables and risk. Plus like others say it's unlikely that your daughter will go to nursery next week and then who will look after her?

The most ideal situation would be to ask your mum to sit with your daughter during the day tomorrrow whilst your husband comes with you. Ignore any comments from her sometimes people say stuff without realising, it's not a crazy or intrusive thing to ask her to do.

I think you need to go ahead with the c section. At the end of the day this baby is coming within next 2 weeks. You may as well follow through with plans you have.

DH stays with older DD. You have C section. You'll be in at least 24 hours so even if it was Friday, you won't be out until Saturday or Sunday. Kids are resilient and bounce quickly, if they get her on right meds for her infection you could end up all coming home same day. Even if she isn't ready to come weekend, you'd still be 40 weeks pregnant without having the c section. You're still facing having the baby alone. If she is out, then she's at home unwell and can't go to nursery so your DH would need to stay home anyway.

It's shit, really shit. And if I was your friend and you reached out I'd be there in a heartbeat. I'd hold your hand through the c section if you wanted me there so not alone. Don't be afraid to reach out if mum isn't helpful.

Contact your child's nursery.
There maybe staff there that also work on the children's ward/have volunteered there in the past.
They know your child and can also give some ideas on options for your daughter.
Many will be experienced in aspects of caring for children with additional needs and your daughter has a respiratory condition meaning she has an additional need.
Let them give you some ideas - one might be "no idea!" But at least you can rule this out.
Also contact Bliss, they will also have some ideas.
I would postpone the c-section and inform the maternity team.

Is your c-section happening at the same hospital your dd is in?

Could an option be that mum is there with you for the C section? I know that robs DH of the opportunity to see the birth of his DC but being with his DD is clearly important to you both. So could be an alternative?

Otherwise I'd use this time to be specific about what is needed with mum or a friend."Mum I need you to sit with DD for a few hours on xx day", "Mum I need you to be on standby in case I go into labour so you will need to come round ASAP when we call"

I'm on standby for my sibling right now to mind DC when they go into labour and would do anything asked of me as well including attending at birth, staying as many nights as necessary etc. Just ask for the help you need clearly.

I'd also second PP on no perfect births. I had elective C 2nd time round after terrible birth first time and it was awful. Other people waiting got sent away as emergencies were prioritised so had to leave and come back the next day. Nothing is perfect sorry

That sounds so stressful,.I'm sorry! I would personally go ahead with the section, it's the one thing in this that you can control. Bring your mum with you and swap once baby is born so she's with DD?

I had my second c section mainly alone as my husband didn’t make it in time and it was okay :) if that happens you will be able to do it

I'm sorry you are in this dilemma. I hope you can find someone to help. Even someone who is not a close friend would surely say yes.

If your c-section isn’t urgent because they are concerned about baby, and is more planned because it’s the best option, then just move it to next week. There will be someone who needs the Friday slot and they will be able to switch you around.

Also, go home and rest. There is no benefit to two of you in hospital. Let Dh do it. You need to rest and prepare for the recovery you have ahead of you. I’ve been in hospital with my dc. It’s exhausting and you need to swap off so you both sleep and eat, mostly you. The last thing you want is to go into labour due to stress and then you’re in a pickle with fewer options.

I wouldn't push the c section back, you then may end up in labour and have more of a panic of how to sort logistics.

I'd prioritise your toddler and have your husband stay with her- as an adult we know how unsettling it is in hospital so imagine how it is for a 2 year old. I think if a parent is available she should come first.

I had my second c section alone just because it was a bit rushed and we couldn't scrabble the childcare in time and it was fine.

Are you having the c-section at 39w just to reduce the risk of going into labour naturally or because baby needs to come at 39w for health reasons? My hospital allowed me to have a c-section at 39+6, there was just a greater risk of me going into labour naturally (which did happen when my waters broke the evening before my planned c-section but in my case they still did the section as planned). You could ask to push the c-section back a few days if it isn’t recommended for babies health. Speak to your midwife.

Speak to your maternity team. Ideally your C-section would be earlier in the day on the list so that your DH can be back with your DD by the afternoon. If your Mum can she could sit with your DD in the morning on the ward. Once DH has seen you settled back on the post-natal ward after recovery he can go back to your DD.

Also speak to the nurses on the paediatric ward about your Mum having play team support whilst your DH is with you so long as your DD is doing well. Also make sure they update your DH about your DD when he arrives back on the ward as ward round would normally be in the morning so the nurses should be able to tell you if their are any changes in treatment and how she has been.

I think the only scenario I would be happy with if I was in this situation would be my husband staying with my daughter and doing the c section alone.

You will have support in the room. The staff at my section were wonderful. And if they know the situation I would imagine they will be extra nice to you and be very supportive.

I can't believe your mum said that about the support from the nurses though. That seems very uncaring of her.

I am so sorry you're in this position. In a few weeks this will just be a memory and you will all be at home together ❤️

I’m sorry Op this sounds incredibly stressful for you! I hope your DD makes a quick recovery.

It also makes me aware how privileged I am in that my mum (or my dad or in-laws) would drop everything in this situation to support me, DH and our DC in whatever way I asked.

It sounds like you see your mum regularly and your DD has a good relationship with her. I would ask her, bluntly if necessary, that you really need her help and can she please sit with DD on Friday so DH can be at your section.

Sounds like you will probably have to manage on your own on Friday night as DH will be with your DD. It’s not great, but it’s doable. Chances are they’ll let you stay an extra day if your DD isn’t discharged before you, but what will you do if she’s still in hospital after you are discharged? You’ll need help at home.

I hope you have someone you can call, a friend if your mum won’t step up? Your DH family? I would absolutely help a friend in this situation

Monday's are a lovely day for a c section.

Will your C-section be in the same hospital that your DD is in?
If so, presumably your DH can sit with her until your time slot and then back up again once baby is here? Not ideal I know.
I'd also speak to your mum again and tell her your worries. Could she sit with your daughter until DH could?

Gosh OP you must be beside yourself. Hopefully it’s looking possible to put a plan in place that works.

ideally your mum would step up but don’t hesitate to reach out to your friends, whether that’s to sit with DD or accompany you to the c section. I would be there like a shot if someone needed me for this (actually would think it was a privilege to be asked!)

First off have a chat with your midwife about possibility and risks of moving the c section to Monday.
If you don't want to risk that then it does unfortunately sound like you're going to have to give birth without DH. Is there nobody who could be with you? Mum/MIL/sister/friend?