Tell me about 5 year age gaps...

[MNersanonymous]

Ok ds is nearly 3.

We can only have kids by IVF. I can't face doing it all again right now after the last failed attempt.

DH and I have agreed that we will give it another go but not for a while - for assorted reasons not until ds starts school (Autumn 09) which would, if we were lucky enough for it to work, mean about a 5 year age gap.

I'd love to hear about this kind of age gap - what are the pros and cons (beyond the obvious that a. you have more time for the baby as the older one is at school and b. the kids aren't as close until they are older as the gap is so big).

I have a five year gap and a four year gap (not planned).

Pros - big ones old enought to understand the new baby takes up time, but doesn't mean Mummy/Daddy loves them any less. Able to help out ("keep an eye on your sister while I go to the loo/have a quick shower/make a cup of tea"). Older one at school, so plenty of uninterrupted baby snuggling time.

Cons - can be very difficult to find things to do which they both/all like (I have to bribe DD1 and DD2 to play Barbies with DD3 for example). Baby has to fit into routines with school runs/after school activities (can be pro or con depending on your viewpoint ). It's hard going back into the whole nappy/sleepless nights/pushchair/mountian of stuff you need before you can leave the house after a few years.

Re your last point, I think I'd find it harder now weirdly. I'm really enjoying not having nappies, prams etc anymore so I figure I might as well have a few years break from it and then will be ok about going back to it (well more ok than now anyway!)

That's not obviously a key factor in the decision I must point out!

i have an eight year gap. they mostly get on quite well, the older one will teach the younger one how to behave (and he can babysit )

they are very close

I am about to have a baby and a 5 y o, and so far I can see that it will be a big advantage to have ds so independent in caring for himself

eg he can get himself dressed, get himself a snack and a drink, mostly manage toilet by himself, is dry at nights, happy to go with friend for the afternoon, can play by himself and tidy up after himself

Our age gap is slightly smaller - 3.7 years. I love only having one in nappies, no need for double buggy etc. Dd1 was just about old enough to have her own social life to some extent - and as others have said doesn't need supervision in ways that a 2 year old might. (e.g. independent in the toilet, getting dressed etc).

We chose to have a biggish gap as I was worried I would have hyperemesis again and couldn't risk going through it with a 1 or 2 year old. I was very sick this time, but was manageable and dd1 didn't need lifting up, spoon feeding etc etc that I would have had to do for a younger child.

It would be lovely for you to be on maternity leave (imo) when your oldest starts school. That was my original plan but I changed my mind and we conceived earlier. This is dd1's last year before school and it has been an added bonus having more time for her.

Wishing you happiness and all the best with your IVF when you do start the treatment again.

I have a 4year age gap and a 3.5 year age gap. I found it easy to explain what was happening to both DC's.
Didnt have any jealousy issues with the first two (DC3 is only 11days old so cant comment there) because DD was at nursery, then school, and DS1 would go to bed earlier than DD so they both got their own time, also easier for dad to take the eldest ones to cinema or somewhere once they are that sort of age.
TBH, apart from getting back into babyzone which is strange i havent found any real downsides, my eldest two are really close and so far dote on DS2.

5 year gap worked ok for us. We had no jealousy from top down - more from bottom up. DS1 was very patient with DS2 when he went through the 'hitting my brother on the head' phase. We did have a problem when dS2 was at the crawling around pulling all the videos out phase and this frustrated DS1. We also went through a time when TV time was separate - DS1 watching a DVD and DS2 on CBeebies but now they are 7 and 13 its pretty good. They play together really well. The only problems is, as one poster has said, that finding things to do together is a prob. So this afternoon I suggested going to the park but DS1 announced he was 'too old for the park' He is autistic so rules stated on park gates matter. Likewise soft play places and farms - when DS1 was 7 we went to loads but DS2 now he is 7 misses out a bit. They are both very different but get on very well and its now useful that DS1 can get drinks and cook simple things - there are days when he parents DS2 very well .

I think all gaps have pros and cons - nothing is perfect and much relies on the personality of parents and children. BEtter go as DS1 has just reminded me to put in the fish and the (hushed tone) chips in the oven.

Thanks everyone. It all sounds perfectly ok with no alarming downsides.

I think we'll stick with this plan....I'm sure the treatment will have other ideas about the age gap if it doesn't work but we'll see. Not going to think about it all now for the next 16 months!

I had hoped for a 4-5 year gap but due to nature taking a bit longer we have a 6 year gap. On the whole it works well, although it is difficult to find things that they will both enjoy. On the plus side elder one can entertain herself when she has to and is on the whole very understanding of the little ones needs...but just because they are older it doesn't mean you won't encounter jealousy!