Do I have ungrateful children?

[redbottleblue]

I would like some others opinions on this as I don't know if my expectations are too high or if my children need to improve on their manners.

I have a DD aged 5 and DS aged 6. I feel like every time we go out and do something they have something to complain about. We went to a firework show tonight and it just feels like they are never happy. For example, tonight there was moaning about sitting in a particular car seat, complaining about having to wait for everyone to walk together, wanting food right now (getting it and then demanding they want more), they didn't want to stand and wait for an act to come on, then when it did they complained within 4 minutes saying 'it's boring'. Then after the whole event they complain they don't want to go home.

It just feels like they want the 'next thing' all the time and they can't enjoy anything in the present. I constantly discuss with them what good manners are and continue to correct their behaviour in the moment, yet it is just continuous. I come home feeling so deflated that they didn't seem to enjoy any of it.

I have also had times where I have cancelled the trip out prematurely as a way of getting them to see their wrong behaviour, although today I couldn't do that as we had other family members with us and we had given them a lift in our car.

One of the children also constantly interrupts any conversation going to tell us something completely unrelated to what is being talked about, and will get angry if not listened to immediately. I never let them get their way through interrupting, yet it continues.

Ironically, they will probably be asking me within the week when we are going to the next firework show!

Is this normal? What am i doing wrong?

TIA

5 and 6, not 15 and 16?...

They just sound pretty atypical for that age!

This is completely normal.

I have also taken children home if the constant whining gets to me.

They are not grateful, in my experience you can instill manners for company (ie non family) relatively easily but getting them to say thank you and I enjoyed that to parents is much harder.

Correcting them every time they whinge is unlikely to help create a positive atmosphere as they whinge and you tell them off.

Maybe try asking what they are enjoying? Or what they like most?

Yes 5 and 6. Surely this is toddler type behaviour and they should be beyond this now though?

I wouldn't have dreamed of being so demanding and rude to adults around me when I was that age.

With Christmas around the corner maybe discuss buying gifts for dc who don't get much. Encouraging them to consider others is never too young an age. They are maybe a bit spoiled. (?)...

The interrupting is normal in my experience. Poor impulse control. My 3 year old is terrible for it but the 6 year old is bit better.

I have to say I don't get the moaning you describe though. Both mine are happy to go out anywhere usually. Maybe they were tired?

whats the consequence for their bad behaviour?

They are 5 and 6
Just be clear on expectations
And if they moan ignore
Distract

Sounds fine.

Children do not have to be grateful. You are choosing these activities for them and it doesn't sound like something they would enjoy, too much standing around at that age isn't great. They are far too young to even know that others don't experience these things and that it is something to be grateful for. You are booking these activities for you to have these activities with them, they aren't the ones who will remember it and you are annoyed at them for having a negative view if it.

Every parent knows you can spend ££££££ on Christmas / Summer holiday and when they go back yo school to write about what they did they'll write about the McDonalds they got on the journey from the ££££ place.

The immediate consequence is they don't get what they want if they demand it. If there's been a long list of bad behaviour during an outing then they get sent to their room at home for a while and we then have a discussion about what was not acceptable, they may then lose screen time/a future outing as a consequence.

I am not expecting them to be gushing with gratitude, I just expect them to not be rude and demanding.

Last year I hadn't booked to do any fireworks and my DS got upset at the last minute because all his school friends were going to see some except him, so I booked some last minute because he really wanted to go. Still had a load of whinging last year too.

My experience with some kids it that it takes them a long time to learn to be polite. So you're right to correct them, but don't expect it to change how they behave in the short term. I do find that a pep talk in advance, setting expectations for positive behaviour, can sometimes help.

I think also try not to take everything they say at face value. When they moan that other people are doing fun things, and then moan when you take them to fun things, that is telling you to take what they say with a pinch of salt. Which is fair enough, because they're 5. Actually they have no idea what they want.

If going to these events is actually not fun for you or them, have a break from them and try when they're older.

We all have ungrateful children, they’re children!

So the general consensus seems to be that this is normal for their ages. What age should they have grown out of this behaviour?

It's okay, all children are quite different. My older ones weren't really like that at that age at all but my 6 year old sounds exactly like that too. Very chatty, interrupting. I don't worry at all because I know she will grow out of it. I don't think your kids mean to be ungrateful but I understand your frustration.

I don't think your DC sound unusually rude for that age. They are still very young! Instilling really good manners at such a young age usually entails being very strict which I think can (while making them very polite) corrode your own relationship with them. Therefore I would keep on lightly repeating your expectations, set a good example, not get into battles over it. It will eventually sink in (hopefully). PS the interrupter might just have poor impulse control.

It depends on each child but I'd say just keep instilling good manners to them and letting them know the importance of patience etc. They might have just been especially grumpy that day. The interrupting thing seems to be very common for every child to be honest.

Perhaps about 9ish?? Maybe younger, maybe older. It is kind of hard to estimate

No this behaviour would not be acceptable in our house. The interruptions I can forgive it’s hard if they are excited by something.

Demanding food, I wouldn’t buy it. Call out them moaning and give a consequence. If they moan say you won’t do it next year and hold firm

I actually think this it's where they are growing up in a world where everything is on demand. I thought about it the other day regarding my internet speed oddly enough, I grew up with no broadband and then eventually dial up, would wait ages for that and then someone would pick up the phone, 5 tv channels and waiting a year for something better be released on video McDonald's birthday parties were the only time we ever went to McDonald's now you can have it delivered in 20 mins.

I don't think your kids are being ungrateful but they are a product of their environment a generation that never have to wait for anything.

Sounds fairly standard. Keep doing what you are doing and observe if they are polite to other adults/at school etc. it sounds like you are going a fab job and it will stick eventually. If the moaning gets too much just announce that you are going home now and make them leave. I find having low expectations helps. I don't expect everyone to have a good time. I anticipate the worst and hope for the best. And yes - a short pep talk beforehand where you read them the riot act and explain the consequences of poor behaviour. Also a longer term consequence of behaviour persists for too long (cancel something, no screen time, toy taken away or whatever will get their attention).

It's because they have so much. Always something to distract them. So no display booked for last year but some whining got you to book. What do you think that has taught them? Good luck with the teens.

Often the days/events out we think children will love and enjoy they don't. Ime it absolutely classic. For instance bonfire night. My kids hated it last year. I will take them again because it's traditional and I love it. All you can do is make some accommodations (ie .my youngest struggled with the noise last year so I will take headphones this year). I would also massively reduce screen time if you think DC can't enjoy 'in the moment'..this could just be how they are (I was like this as a child, always wanting to move on to next thing) but ime screen time massively impacts attention span for children.

I do wonder if this has had an impact. Like i said before, this sort of behaviour just wouldn't have happened with me or my siblings growing up and I certainly didn't have a harsh, strict upbringing, just decent boundaries which I am trying to replicate in my children but it isn't having the same effect.

It may gradually become less frequent but you can still expect that type of moaning to happen occasionally at age 10+! With my 10yo, it normally only happens now when he's particularly tired or hungry, so I need to try and take that into consideration. And he's still also often focused on the "next thing" but he's at an age now where we can kind of rationalise a bit with him and joke about it. Doesn't mean it's not grating though...

He wasn't whining last year for me to book, he was just upset that he wasn't seeing any when his friends were going to, so I thought it would be nice to book it. The whining happened during the event.

Can you really clearly remember your behaviour at age 5 and 6?