Do I have ungrateful children?

[redbottleblue]

I would like some others opinions on this as I don't know if my expectations are too high or if my children need to improve on their manners.

I have a DD aged 5 and DS aged 6. I feel like every time we go out and do something they have something to complain about. We went to a firework show tonight and it just feels like they are never happy. For example, tonight there was moaning about sitting in a particular car seat, complaining about having to wait for everyone to walk together, wanting food right now (getting it and then demanding they want more), they didn't want to stand and wait for an act to come on, then when it did they complained within 4 minutes saying 'it's boring'. Then after the whole event they complain they don't want to go home.

It just feels like they want the 'next thing' all the time and they can't enjoy anything in the present. I constantly discuss with them what good manners are and continue to correct their behaviour in the moment, yet it is just continuous. I come home feeling so deflated that they didn't seem to enjoy any of it.

I have also had times where I have cancelled the trip out prematurely as a way of getting them to see their wrong behaviour, although today I couldn't do that as we had other family members with us and we had given them a lift in our car.

One of the children also constantly interrupts any conversation going to tell us something completely unrelated to what is being talked about, and will get angry if not listened to immediately. I never let them get their way through interrupting, yet it continues.

Ironically, they will probably be asking me within the week when we are going to the next firework show!

Is this normal? What am i doing wrong?

TIA

The thing is your idea of a firework display and understanding of what that entails and DS idea of a firework display are two entirely different things

He wants to go and see fireworks. Not stand around waiting or have different acts to watch or have people standing in front of him or being in a busy environment. He wants some pretty lights in the sky. His behaviour is communication, next time explain what the place is going to be like before you go so he has a more realistic understanding of what to expect.

They both seem to do well at school, both had positive parent evenings so I don't think they're particularly bad there. One of them does have poor impulse control however (the interrupter..)

I think these things can be overwhelming, even if they want to go. It's dark, crowds of much taller people, having to be herded into place, then lots of lights and noise. Food is often a go to demand to act as a familiar comfort, provide energy if they are tired and give sensory input. I do say to my kids that I can't understand whinge, so they will need to speak properly.

The place I have seen the most whiny tantrumming children is disneyland Paris (not been to any others). You would expect them to love it and be pleased, but it was too much for so many of them. Then stroppy kids and parents who have spent a fortune trying to enforce fun was a terrible combination.

My mum spends a lot of time with the kids and she does make comparisons about their behaviour with mine and siblings at that age (not infront of them of course), and she does seem surprised that they aren't more 'under control' by now.

I wonder this too. I mean, I remember moaning at an older age and being shouted at and called names for it, which probably does not equate to gold-standard parenting. Didn't stop me from continuing to moan! 😂

so your mum criticises your parenting?

I think what's also worth mentioning is that I was a fairly timid child growing up, so it would have been out of character for me to have made a scene about anything. My children are quite different to me in personality.

I think a lot of parents often look back on their own experiences of child-rearing with very rose-tinted glasses. The further you are from it, the more idealised it can tend to become. Every new generation is said to be out of control by the previous generation, in some form.

Some kids are just a lot more whiney than others.

Some kids respond to strict parenting (in the sense they stick to the rules) while others rebel and don't.

Sounds like you (and your sibs) were not particularly whiny children,

There's a reason people use the glass half full analogy - some people are happy whatever they are doing and others could find something to moan about in paradise.

Your kids aren't you. You need to parent the kids you have, and look at whether your strategies are working.

She's a bit of a critical parent, she doesn't agree with a lot of things i do/am.

Do they spend a lot of time online or on IPads? I ask this because I genuinely think it’s rewiring children’s brains to constantly want the next “hit”. They don’t live in the moment as they’re used to 20-30 second clips and then move on. The art of being bored or regulating themselves is being lost. Lots of posters are on here saying it’s normal childhood behaviour whereas I don’t think it is. I think they’re old enough to not be rude.

They sound rather world weary for that age, more like my teenagers, iirc at that 5-6 all that sort of stuff was a big adventure for them.

They do watch Youtube which i dislike as it always seems like they pick total rubbish to watch, but they don't watch hours and hours of it. Maybe i need to get rid of that. I never let them have any screen time outside of the house.

Exactly, this is why i feel so deflated sometimes. If they aren't excited by anything at this age then that's not a good sign for the future surely.

Totally agree with this.

Sounds normal enough to me, just keep doing what you're doing. I think mine were about 6 before they got the hang of the no interrupting. It used to drive me mad. I just used to keep repeating and repeating to wait.

I see a difference in my nephews when they have been on YouTube. As another user has said though they’re growing up in a world of everything being on demand, they’re never ever bored and their needs are constantly met. This is obviously a good thing in lots of ways but it’s also creating children who cannot regulate themselves. This could just be the new normal in 2024.

I think this is fairly normal for 5 and 6. They're little and still learning. Whingeing and moaning is best ignored and praise their good behaviour when it happens! Demanding things and being rude should result in an immediate consequence, there's no point in a deferred consequence at this age, they won't make the connection. I wouldn't allow youtube at this age and would keep screen time to a minimum, maybe a bit of tv in the evening.

This. One of the most valuable things in the world today is attention. When there are so many distractions and wondering what the next thing will be and when you'll get your next dopamine hit it is so much harder to live in the moment. This is what children today are used to - it is a world of instant gratification. I disagree with people who say this is normal kud behaviour. Whinging when overtired is to be expected but I believe as parents we should be making a special effort to instill gratitude/learn patience/manners etc. these kids will be more successful as sadly fewer people have these skills/traits (adults included). You sound like a great mum btw.

And there's your problem.....normal kids but your mother trashes your parenting skills.

Stop doing so much expensive stuff? It's for you, anyway, it's not for them really.

Wind it down with park visits, library etc

Don't knock yourself out, the kids appreciate the simpler stuff more at that age

I think it’s normal, Dd was beautifully behaved at Halloween and even thanked me for booking stuff for her. Other days it’s just a whingethon. Keep enforcing good behaviour, make sure they see you thanking other people, lost of praise for being polite (DD praises herself now so I don’t need to “did you see how polite I was!?). DH has marched DD to waiters to thank them if she didn’t thank them at the appropriate time so we are super super strict on manners (probably unusually so) yet still we have the awful whingey days where we het moaned at for not providing x y and z. Events where they have to wait in line are always particularly trying (I hate waiting and a minute feels like an hour to a five year old),

They will grow out of it, keep at it and eventually they will get there.

With all due respect you are highly unlikely to actually remember clearly how others experienced you.

you sound controlling tbh.

And kids with a negative / pessimistic explanatory style usually learn it from their primary caregiver. I bet you’re always complaining

I’m surprised how many people are saying this is normal behaviour. Life was like a huge adventure to me at that age. Everything was exciting. My mum often says that it was her favourite age to parent because we were so excited by every little trip out.

I do wonder now if children are a product of their environment (never having to wait for anything- TV programmes, food, entertainment)