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Original poster

Do any of you think a child is rude...

108 replies

Shybaby · 24/04/2008 19:03

if you say hello to them and they ignore you?

Before anyone jumps, not a troll post. An honest question. I'll tell you the full story in a moment!

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angryone · 24/04/2008 19:20

at 4 I wouldn't expect a reply from every child, even if I knew them.

OverMyDeadBody · 24/04/2008 19:21

Not at all rude, I'm shocked at how many of you think it would be rude.

My DS is 5 now. He is also selectively mute. If you say hello he will not respond. If you ask him a question he will not answer. If you say goodbye he will not answer.

In his own home I can't shut him up, and he talks non stop to family and friends he knows well, but if they ask him a direct question he says nothing.

It took him two terms to talk at nursery, and six weeks before he responded to direct questions at school.

It has nothing to do with manners, and he can't be forced to talk. I also don't always explain tothe person "oh, he won't talk" or something along those lines in earshot of DS as I don't want to re-enforce it or make it become part of him even more.

{angry] and at the responses here.

Flame · 24/04/2008 19:21

You have no idea if a child has SN, is just shy or what.

The parent might not even know. The parent might not mention the SN because people often and think you are making excuses for your crappy parenting.

Children are children. If they can't be arsed to speak to you for whatever reason then just accept it.

You are the ADULT, get over yourself.

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OverMyDeadBody · 24/04/2008 19:22

agree with psychomum too.

OverMyDeadBody · 24/04/2008 19:25

Flame someone told me once that I should "made him talk" too ffs. Why?

harpomarx · 24/04/2008 19:25

your post is spot on omdb

hate this labelling of child as 'shy' the minute they won't say hello on demand. agree that it just tends to reinforce their anxiety (if that's what it is)

i was a shy child and hated that kind of thing, i still remember it. I always approach quiet kids gently and if they don't want to talk, that's fine. They usually do in the end, but not if you come blustering up to them and expect them to start doing cartwheels just cos you have spoken to them!

Umlellala · 24/04/2008 19:28

Oh, I wouldn't really think it was RUDE if a child if I said hello to a child (or adult - lots of people are just as shy/embarrassed/in their own world as kids) and they didn't respond. But I do want to model social niceties and like happy, random chats with strangers myself so think it's nice if dd knows she can smile back and spread the love .

Original poster
Shybaby · 24/04/2008 19:28

Ok the story is. Dd is polite and friendly 99.9% of the time as far as im aware and has lots of friends at nursery.

She is a funny one though, when I take her to my friend's house, for the first 30 mins or so she wont speak to anyone and has a shy moment. My friend takes no notice and dd warms up then goes off to play happily.

I took her to nursery this morning and as we were walking in, one of her little friends and his mummy walked in behind us. The little friend was calling her and she wouldn't respond, she was cuddling up to nanny. We both said that she should say hello to him but she buried her head on nan's shoulder (as normal).

As we all walked into nursery, dd's friend totally ignored the "teacher" when she said good morning to him (he sort of tootled past her as they do) and his mum said to me "dont you just HATE it when they do that?" She then said to him "xxxx it is very rude to not speak to an adult when they speak to you" and made him say hello.

I sidled off as soon as I could. I never realised people were so offended tbh.

I just wondered what the general take on it was.

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harpomarx · 24/04/2008 19:31

oh god

dd hardly ever says hello or goodbye at nursery. she does smile though. loads of the kids do the same. i think it is totally the norm at that age and i think your friend's mum sounds a bit draconian!

cocolepew · 24/04/2008 19:32

she's a twat they're nursery age ffs

brimfull · 24/04/2008 19:39

that situation is slightly different to some of the posts about really shy children though.

I think the mum was just trying to teach her child that it was polite to say hello to his teacher .He's obviously not shy so different all together.

Original poster
Shybaby · 24/04/2008 19:40

I laughed it off this morning and then I had that moment of doubt when you think.."oh, are adults bothered by this?".

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Psychomum5 · 24/04/2008 19:41

well....my DS2 has no issues at all WRT SN (as far as we know at this present time), yet he will not respond to other kiddies speaking to him outside of the classroom....he hides in me/behind me!!!

I say to him that 'so n so' as said hello, and he shrugs further into me and I smile instead and say hello for him....no way would I force my son to say something he is uncomfortable with!!

in another way......how often have you done something you don't feel comfortable with, and would you if you were forced into it or would you baulk even further?? I know I would!!!

why make a child do something.....force makes it worse IMO!

unknownrebelbang · 24/04/2008 19:45

DS1 would never say hello to people, but would say goodbye easily.

He's 13 now, and if he could get away with not speaking to people until he was ready, he would.

Original poster
Shybaby · 24/04/2008 19:49

She's pretty good normally. Ive accompanied them on a school trip and she's the little organiser "you sit there next to me and i'll read you a story" etc etc.

But for the first few minutes there's no chance. She just wont speak to anyone.

She's certainly not rude. She even came up to me on her birthday and thanked me for a lovely party!

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IdrisTheDragon · 24/04/2008 19:53

My sister and I were both shy when we were younger. It took my sister a while to "thaw out" when we met anyone (ie at least 30 minutes). She wasn't rude - it was just how she was.

Both she and I ae very good at saying hello to people now .

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if a child said hello or not.

FairyMum · 24/04/2008 19:56

I think lots of children have "issues" with saying hello and goodbye for some reasons. They all have some hang-ups and I wish we as adults were not alwasy so quick to judge a child as being rude. Even 7 and 8 year-olds can be shy and awkward.

mistressmiggins · 24/04/2008 19:57

to be honest, I think it does depend

my nephew who is 5 adores me ignores me at nursery (after school club)
It does upset me a little but I accept it is just his way. He is shy.

The funny thing is that on Wed I arrived to pick up my son & waved & my nephew waved back. I made such a fuss to the nursery staff who know he is usually "rude" to me...but he is the same with my mum who he adores.
We just accept this is his way.

I think young children are sometimes shy & certainly dont realise adults would see it as rude

Flame · 24/04/2008 19:59

DD started preschool at 2yrs 9 months, she goes there now for afterschool club. Not once can I remember her saying goodbye.

Bless em, they still say goodbye to her every time, and she just sort of growls/squeals as she walks away

I like that they never force it, but never stop

yurt1 · 24/04/2008 20:01

It's happened to us with ds1. He's 9 now, can't talk (can't, not won't).

Some old bags were very offended that he didn't reply to them (I was engaged in another conversation in another room so wasn't in a position to intervene). That's when he was about 5.

I sometimes get funny looks now when we're out walking on Dartmoor. It's traditional to say hello to other walker. he obviously doesn't and people do look twice sometimes.

FluffyMummy123 · 24/04/2008 20:02

Message withdrawn

OverMyDeadBody · 24/04/2008 20:05

cod my DS isn't shy, he's selectively mute. There is a big difference.

ALMummy · 24/04/2008 20:06

My DS is currently being assessed for ASD and nearly always has to be prompted to respond to a greeting from anyone he doesnt know.

IMO small children dont understand the concept of being rude they either feel comfortable to say Hello or they dont. Why would someone be offended by that?

Agree with Flame.

OverMyDeadBody · 24/04/2008 20:08

DS won't even talk to his grandparents or aunts/uncles if we see them out of context and he hasn't been told we will be seeing them, and he sees them all the time and talks non stop to them at their houses.

If we bump into them in town he will be mute for at least an hour.

OverMyDeadBody · 24/04/2008 20:10

to be honest though it really really frustrates me at times