Am I being unreasonable? Husband sleeps in until 8am and I'm up at 5/6am with our baby

[KADICHED7]

We have 2 children (8mo and 2yr 10mo). I'm a SAHM and my husband is a self-employed tradesman. Our eldest only started going to nursery last month for 2 days per week (8.45am - 3.15pm) so up until recently I had both kids full-time. We have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight for 2hrs. Other than that I do all of the cleaning, tidying, laundry, shopping, cooking, dishes etc. Our toddler generally sleeps through until 7.30/8am but our baby usually wakes several times a night and is up at 5/6am every morning. I don't expect my husband to get up in the night as he has a manual job and I'm breastfeeding but I would like him to get up with the baby at weekends so that I can get a couple of hours extra in bed as I'm absolutely exhausted. I don't think it's a lot to ask when my husband sleeps in until 8am most days - it would different story if he was up early for work in the week but he isn't.

Yanbu. He is bring very selfish. I have learnt with my partner that I need to tell him these things say specifically what I need him to do otherwise he'll just expect me to do everything.

SAHM here too, similar gaps to you, I can relate, it’s exhausting! (Mine are older now and it’s so much easier). . My partner didn’t ever really get up first either, would be exceptional circumstances (prob Mother’s Day or bday!). He is hopeless at waking up early, more of a night owl. He would do the last feed at night when they were babies and I would go to bed early but I would always get up first in the morning. He was hard to wake up and I would hear the children anyway.

The compromise was, I would get a break in the day in the weekend- ask him to supervise for a few hours so you can have a nap / shower etc or go out and leave him to it. Or get him to make dinner. You aren’t his housekeeper and I find it’s tricky adjusting at weekends to being a team when you have such different roles in the week.

What's his reason for not getting up on the weekend?

I have told him how I feel and that I'm exhausted but his response is "well I work"

How is he not getting up early in the week if he's a tradesman? All tradespeople I know like to be up at dawn and then get all work wrapped up at 3pm.

I think about it this way. You two are a team. There is a need to bring money into the house and there is a need to bring up the children and run the house, and somehow between you you need to do these things.

But the question is how come he only has to work eight hours a day five days a week, equals 40 hours (or whatever number of hours he works) whilst you get to work 20 hours a day seven days a week which equals 140 hours?

That's not fair that's and this is what you've got to tell him.

Why should you have to work 100 hours a week more than him? Does he regard you as a domestic servant, just because you're the female?

No he lies in until 8am. Usually only leaves the house after 9am. I said I'd prefer if he started work earlier and finished earlier so he could be home to watch the kids while I cook dinner but sometimes he is only back closer to 6pm.

I couldn't stay with someone who didn't care if I were exhausted and asking for help. I was a SAHM until DD(4) started school but we were a team so DH would take over when I was knackered, did his fair share of house stuff evenings and weekends, took DD out swimming every weekend so I got some quiet time for myself. It wasn't all left to me because he worked. You deserve better OP.

As I tradesman myself I would say he is been extremely self-fish and lazy. Yes he is the one bringing in the money, but he is still a part of the family unit and his responsibilities don’t just end with bringing home the bacon.

Fuck sake and you don't? Does he ever have the kids on his own? Maybe he thinks it's easy

I'm amazed you had a second with him if this is his attitude to raising them with you!!

He's choosing to lie in (miss the get up) and choosing to work later (miss as much evening routine as possible). Don't get me wrong, I know plenty of people only get home from work at 6pm but he's making it happen like that rather than has to. And to top it off, seemingly expecting a meal on the table too..

When does he parent??

Yep, all of this.

I'm a SAHM to a 1 and a 3 year old and my DH is in paid employment. But he is also a father to our 2 children, and my husband, so we share parenting, including early starts and the house chores. Why would the fact he has paid employment stop him from doing his fair share of raising our kids and running our household? I have never understood this archaic view of what a SAHM is - the man ‘works’ and when he's at home, puts his feet up? Fuck that. You need to demand better OP

(edited to reflect the fact we both work, but his is formally paid)

I don't know any tradesman that finishes at 3pm except maybe on a Friday possibly

I think your DH thinks it's 1954, not 2024. He needs to become an equal parent quickly, or you should be looking to get rid of this man child.

I feel you, OP. My DH has the same schedule and it drives me nuts when he sets it himself. I bet when he does get up he can’t help you out with the kids because ‘he has to get ready for work’ like you haven’t just got ready for your own busy day and fed everyone breakfast at the same time.

I have tried to explain that if we both start work at 9 (which he often doesn’t…) then outside that it should be a 50/50 split of childcare responsibilities. He does bedtimes, just won’t get up until he needs to, he goes to bed late and says that’s just his schedule. If I try to make him, I get called a nag or he’s nasty and I’m not taking that. I just leave him to it.

I feel contempt when I see him lying in bed and I hear about my friends’ DHs getting up with their families. It is tainting my experience of having tiny children in a way I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for. Maybe that’s dramatic but it’s how I feel.

@bonkersplonkers he's never had them both for more than a couple of hours on his own. When he does have them he either takes them to his mum's house or stays at home and puts the TV on and sits on his phone. I limit screen time and always go out and about with them (library, park, playcentres, playdates, visiting grandparents etc.). He thinks I've got it easy because I'm meeting up with friends and family whilst he is "grafting his bollocks off". He also likes to point out that we have a cleaner (who only comes for a couple of hours once a fortnight) and that our eldest now goes to nursery 2 days a week which has made my life easier

We took it in turns at the weekend to have a lie in. It’s a way of taking care of and supporting each other. Your DH clearly has no appreciation for how difficult it is looking after 2 small children. Do you ever leave him on his own with them so that you get a short break?

When I was a sahp and now when I work part time, dh has always done kids bed time,every night. On a weekend we split everything 50:50 and each get a lay in.

You need to have regular, set time to yourself. Maybe now is the time to join a gym or have a regular beauty appointment.

@dijonketchupYou've just described exactly how I feel. We separated for a couple of months recently because he was sick of my "nagging". He moved out for about 5 weeks and I didn't find it any harder on my own tbh. I felt less angry because I knew I just had to do it all myself rather than having to keep asking him to help. He ended up coming back saying that he regretted it and I took him back because I love him and want to be a family.

I'd say if you're both working in the week (him at work, you sahm) then at the weekend you split everything. So one lie in each and equal other childcare.

Selfish bastard is the only descriptive I can think of.

He clearly (because you've discussed it with him) feels he is exonerated from various aspects of parenting, so I think the only way forward is to TELL him that the cleaner will be coming at least 3 x per week AND your eldest can go to nursery THREE days per week all courtesy of his pay packet, so he'll have to get up earlier to make those extra pennies to pay for the service he cannot provide!

This is all too common an occurrence OP. It's the bloody hardest job in the world emotionally and physically. My DD has a 2.5 yo and will be having another any day. My SIL is very hands on but I've also seen that 'woe is me' face when it's all a bit too much🙄I hope he will step up to the plate (I'm 99.99% he will) but my DD certainly takes no prisoners🙏🏼

Don't be gaslit OP, you are also "grafting your bollocks off" but you're doing it 24/7😇

Given your updates, I'm afraid your relationship is doomed. He sounds positively Neanderthal in his attitude.

Start making plans for supporting yourself and get rid of your entitled, lazy arse of a 'partner'.

This.

Mine was just like yours. We left when DS was two.

My ex never once got up at night, has never done a school run or a dentist appt, a parents evening or a sports day. He has never helped with ds' homework or bought ds shoes or thought about schools or arranged a passport or considered if he needs an eyetest. He has never covered a day's school absence or thought about a holiday club.

His excuse every time is 'I work.'

I don't know what he thinks I do, arrange flowers all day! I also work full time. Pay a mortgage, Run a house.

The difference is I am a loving decent parent. Ex is a bone idle, selfish waste of space.

Do you really want your DCs growing up, thinking that level of selfish indifference is acceptable. I didn't. Getting rid of him meant my DS has grown into a kind, considerate competent teen who helps.

I think you need to have a blunt conversation with your dh. Big letters! Short words. Make it clear the marriage won't last if he continues with the lazy selfish lack of consideration.

My life is much easier without ex.

Yeh, that's not fair . I work part time and my dh works full time in a stressful leadership role and he still gets up at weekends with our dc so I can have a lie-in. Something needs to change.