Am I being unreasonable? Husband sleeps in until 8am and I'm up at 5/6am with our baby

[KADICHED7]

We have 2 children (8mo and 2yr 10mo). I'm a SAHM and my husband is a self-employed tradesman. Our eldest only started going to nursery last month for 2 days per week (8.45am - 3.15pm) so up until recently I had both kids full-time. We have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight for 2hrs. Other than that I do all of the cleaning, tidying, laundry, shopping, cooking, dishes etc. Our toddler generally sleeps through until 7.30/8am but our baby usually wakes several times a night and is up at 5/6am every morning. I don't expect my husband to get up in the night as he has a manual job and I'm breastfeeding but I would like him to get up with the baby at weekends so that I can get a couple of hours extra in bed as I'm absolutely exhausted. I don't think it's a lot to ask when my husband sleeps in until 8am most days - it would different story if he was up early for work in the week but he isn't.

Can you each have one weekend day lie-in?

It is easier without him. That says a lot.

personally, i would go away for the whole weekend. Friday 6pm until Sunday 9pm. Don't leave
any instructions, meals, clothes laid out or suggestions. Just go. Will he shape up or ship out? That will show his attitude towards his children.

why are you a SAHM with a selfish partner? Is he paying into a pension for you? Do you have equal access to family money?

Id expect him to be leaving the house ready to start work by 7, and getting up one day a weekend with the baby.
Yanbu to be disappointed.

The problem is you can unintentionally get into a race to the bottom
because you are tired and exhausted doesn’t mean he isn’t and vice a versa
you have the home and kids he has the entire financial responsibility of the family and a business to run both can be difficult , pressured and challenging
you can both think the other has the better deal

Going forward get up then feed baby and go back to bed one day a weekend

OP he sounds really disrespectful and unsupportive. And you deserve respect and support at the very least. The 'well, I work' comment makes it crystal clear how little respect he has for the mother of his children and what it requires of you. I'm sure you are absolutely exhausted, physically and mentally and he has absolutely no intention of trying to understand how you feel.

I think most couples that are able to make it work when they have young kids, absolutely have to work as a team. Whether one is a SAHP or not, the crux is that they both contribute to family life around the working ones hours.

In couples where the SHAP gets shafted it's because the other expects them to carry the weight of family life on their shoulder, and wants them to believe they should be grateful for this honour because they are having a lovely time 'not being at work'.

When I was on maternity leave, partner was up at more or less the same time I was - doing useful things to contribute towards family life. Either occupying the babies, doing laundry, tidying etc. That's not to say I didn't do more of it when he was out at work, of course I did because I was physically at home and he wasn't, but when they are at home both parents should PARENT.

We absolutely both do have lie-ins and share the load, this is because we want to support the other one because we're both exhausted. He'll take them out for a couple of hours on a weekend, and I'll do what I want. Equally he goes out with mates and plays sport.

I really hope you are able to talk some sense into him - not least before your little ones start adopting his ideas and copying the level of respect he shows you! I'd start by communicating with him and working out a plan for sharing the time around when he is at work.

xxx

Ooh I've just read your latest update. His behavior will breed resentment like a motherfucker. You're looking after 3 children by the sound of it.

I was in the exact same position as you 10+ years ago. Id had the talk over and over, finally had enough, split up, then 6 months later he made my life a living hell because he wanted to come back.
But life was honestly wonderful when he wasn't around making it harder for me.

I can relate too. I have 3 under 5 and BF a 4 month old. DH is currently in bed and will be till 11 maybe even later. I begged him this morning to get up and give me an extra hour and said he can even go back to bed after but no. He just refuses. Men can be selfish pricks.

@So that was the plan originally but yesterday when I was having mine our toddler woke up and came into my room so I didn't get to have a lie in (he was downstairs asleep with the baby so totally unaware the toddler had woken). I said I would try again today but he said it wasn't his fault that had happened and today was his turn. He sleeps in until 8am every weekday and I'm up at 5/6am every day so I don't think it's fair

Please tell us he wasn't sleeping on the sofa with the baby. That's really dangerous!

I'm afraid if he (and you) didn't make any changes as a result of those 5 weeks then this is doomed. That's a pretty extreme thing to do: move out for 5 weeks.

That happened to a friend of mine (older kids, longer time period) and although she and her DH are back together, she's still traumatised by it many years later.

Please please please enforce the one day lie in. Toddler wakes up? Shout downstairs for your husband to come and get them. Start small, establish one boundary, then find others.

@Soitis83 oof I could cry for you. I remember those days so well.
I'm not sure of your situation, but believe me it was a lot easier to deal with my 3 when I didn't have the sound of a lazy fucking pig snoring his lazy fucking arse off upstairs. I used to feel practically murderous at how he could sleep through it all. He would wake up all breezy and ask me to make him a coffee with a baby hanging off my tit and a toddler stuck to each leg.

Would it be an option for you to go back to work and him to stay at home?

He's a useless, selfish fuckwit who cares more about himself than he does about you or your dc. Useless parent too.

Might be time to split up again? 💐

No he sleeps on the floor I've told him how dangerous it is to sleep on the sofa with a baby! We have made some changes but definitely not enough to make it work obviously

It will taint your relationship, you will not love him in the long run. I left my xh when dc were 4&5, I'd done the hardest bit pretty much solo and I resented him so much. 7 years later we have dc 50/50 so he had to step up, but he absolutely did not when it was needed the most

I can't just leave him with the kids for a weekend because I'm breastfeeding and I know he would just leave the baby to cry. I wouldn't earn enough for him to stay at home plus if I went back to work I know I would still have to do everything I do now.

We're lucky we have a great sleeper so it's rare we get night wakes, but occasionally he'll wake anytime from 4.30, DH always gets up with him, settles him, or if he won't settle he'll stay up with him and let me sleep until I wake naturally. He works (a pretty stressful desk job) but sees it as extra time with his son that he wouldn't usually get. He takes him swimming on a Sat & most Saturdays I have a day with friends so he has him all day. He cherishes every single moment he gets with his son.
He also cooks every day, and does a lot of the housework, I'm still on mat leave and will only go back part time.
Your DH is a selfish ass, he sounds like an absolute waste of space, why on earth did you have another child with him?!

These stories are making me rage. There are so many men who think children and housework are women’s fucking hobbies.

Cheered by the stories of women who cut the rope, though. And by those whose partners shaped up, although it’s much, much rarer.

My DH was not selfish in this way but I remember it did really surprise me how little he knew and understood.

Many men are just blithely ignorant before kids of the changes that have to be made. They literally haven't noticed. Even before I had kids I'd observed my sibling, his sibling (!), friends, work colleagues struggling with this stuff so I was realistic.

DH had completely not noticed! Despite knowing lots of dads.

I do part time and have the lead of home and children but I expect my husband to do his part.
It's not fair husband works 40 hours out of the house and wife works 80 hours at home.
It's a teamwork and a father should be happy to join his children on a Saturday motning.

Did he get up early, give equal downtime and finish work earlier when you only had one child?

He doesn't see your role as a mother as equal to his as a breadwinner. How unattractive.
He should be up in the mornings during the week before 8am and he should definitely be facilitating at least one weekend lie-in for you and not bloody falling asleep downstairs when he's supposed to be caring for TWO children!
You need to spell it out yet again but this time louder and clearer. You've already separated once and you don't see much change in what you had to do, so I'd be telling him that's on the cards again.
He'll soon get it when he has to have the children on his own when it's his contact time! Don't stand for this!!!!

The tell him you are on the verge of leaving because he has become so selfish a partner and father.

and start expressing milk. An 8 month old will be perfectly fine on formula for one weekend.

but your real concern is you think he would neglect the baby. Think really really long and hard about that.

Most men like this including my husband.
we both work full-time 50/50 for the bills (I paying more mostly) But I have to do every single thing in the house, cooking, gardening looking after the house picking and driving him to the pup he only do regular work and sleeping in unit afternoon and going to the pup on weekends that useless isn't.

Out of my husband, his friends and my friends husbands, I do not know one like this. All the women work ft.

i know if one now acquaintance who does do all cooking and cleaning and the majority of housework and her dh golfs and plays cricket, but she is a sahm. And he isnt a waste of space and a danger to his children when he is home. And she regularly goes on nights out and even weekends away.

maybe look at your circle and your expectations before saying all men are like this. It sets the bar low.