If you get a call from school telling you your child has misbehaved...

[UhOhSpagettiOh]

...what do you say?

This has happened twice now since the start of the term and I don't really understand what they want out of the call and what they want going forward from me. (Of course I understand they want his behaviour to change)

I absolutely want to work on his behaviour and reinforce whatever they are saying to him. But the conversation is so short and I am left feeling like they just called me to tell me off. So I want to ask the right questions so that we both get more out of the conversation.

I don't punish at home for things that happen in school.

If I got a call I would ask for details- when where how. I would ask what the consequence was and if there was any triggers. I would offer advise to better manage going forward.

If it was persistent I would request a face to face meeting to discuss strategies to support my child in improving his behaviour

'm not sure why so many people are writing to justify the call.

In your first post you said things like “I don’t really understand what they want out of the call and what they want from me” and “I’m left feeling like they called just to tell me off.” So that’s probably why a lot of people have explained/justifying why teachers ring.

The teachers will be really pleased by your response though, and that you’ll speak to him at home etc. It’s unbelievable how many parents don’t do this!

OK so since the initial call. I rang back and asked lots of the questions that were suggested here and mentioned what he's like at home etc. it definitely helped to go in prepared. So thank you very much.
We agreed to see how he gets on as they don't really do a behaviour plan unless he's hitting every day which he's not. Then this afternoon I get another call to say he's been kicking and was taken to the headmasters who had a word with him.

Now they are going to do the behaviour plan which includes a star chart for good behaviour. Then when I collected him. The teacher asked for a quiet word with both myself and son and she basically told him off with me there, I didnt know if I was supposed to tell him off as well or just be there to show him that I know what's going on.

Anyway I reiterated everything she said to him once we got home.

I feel like I'm failing as parent. I do think he shows signs on ADHD as he's so impulsive. He tells me he wants to be kind and it's bad to hurt people etc but as soon as someone annoys him it's automatic that he hits or kicks. My eldest child is nothing like this. Their automatic response would be to cry or run away.

So far I have felt like it's too early to think about him getting assessed but maybe not. I don't even know the earliest they do them? Anyone know?
Would it make a difference to his schooling? I definitely wouldn't want him on medication as a child. I'm not thinking if diagnosis as a way of getting out of working on his behaviour I'm thinking of it to understand his behaviour so that we can work on it.

You're not failing as a parent. Don't take this personally. Infants are full of live wires. School is just looking for your support.

Thank you for saying that.

I wish they would be a bit more explicit about what support they want from me. Like I felt like maybe the teacher did want me to back her up when she was telling him off but I didn't for some reason.

@UhOhSpagettiOh i sympathise with you as well as a lot of 4 year olds you can’t really discuss things properly at home with them. My 4 yo (august born) has just started reception and trying to have a conversation with her about what happened at school is basically useless. She doesn’t have the capacity to reflect or the attention span.

I think a lot of replies you’ve had are more suitable for older children and people have forgotten what trying to get an answer or direction out of a tired 4 yo is like.

@UhOhSpagettiOh in my area the earliest they will assess for ADHD is 7. This is because a lot of the behaviours you describe are to do with impulse control and emotional regulation, which can develop at different times for different children. As he gets older, he may master these skills/ develop better coping strategies. Or, he may not, and it will become clearer that his difficulties with these things are outside of normal compared to his peers of the same age. For now, keep consistent, see how things go now he knows the expectations and he knows you and school are on the same page.

You are not a failing parent - it's a horrible feeling and I've been where you are. Kids are all different at the end of the day and what works for some doesn't work for others.

I mean you are the parent, I as the teacher wouldn't think to give parenting advice In the first month, I genuinely find that quite interesting I've never thought to just jump in with this!

I would guess she wanted you there so your son could see that you and her communicate about his behaviour. It often makes a big difference.

The phone call is to make you aware of your child’s behaviour just in case you don’t collect or your child attends after school club. Contact the teacher/head of year and arrange a meeting to discuss what is going on.

@Sugargliderwombat yeah I guess a lot of people wouldn't be open to recieving parenting advice so I should make it clear that I am!

I guess she didn't say something like "just letting you know so that you can reinforce what we are saying" or "just letting you know so that we have kept you up to date".

Within the second call she told me she doesn't know what to do. Because they only do a behaviour plan if they are consistently naughty which he hadn't been up to that point. Maybe she was wanting to know if there was something going on at home. But she didn't say "I'm calling to see if there is a reason for his bad behaviour".

I'm not slating her. I'm just expressing my preference for explicit communication!

You're not failing as a parent OP, you sound like a caring and concerned parent who wants to help your child! He's only 4 and it could be that he's just a little behind in his social/emotional development and will catch up in time. Give him lots of opportunities to play/socialise with friends, invite his little friends round to play and try some turn-taking games etc. You can role play with him what to do if someone or something upsets him at school and practice alternatives to hitting/kicking like telling a teacher or choosing something else to play with. Maybe have a reward chart at home so he can earn stars with good behaviour in school and get a little treat. I think with a 4 year old, it's a lot more carrot than stick. He's not being deliberately naughty, he's just started school and is dealing with a lot of changes and is struggling to deal with his upsets and frustration. Give it time 💐

I'm guessing she wants you to work on it at home. What do you do when he lashes out at home?

Had this with DS2 at similar age. We agreed if he kicked, he would have to take his shoes off.

He had a bad temper. But a couple of lads enjoyed provoking it every single day.

The next year he attended the go to hobby for lads at the school. We agreed that teacher would write any issues in reading record, we’d reinforce and we may agree he had to miss a week of the hobby. That worked well. He only missed a couple of sessions the whole year.

Of course if there are other causes then you might need extra help, but it may just be a phase and please don’t beat yourself up. You are trying to do the right thing, working with the school and that is all that we can do.

Over the years I found teachers’ better experienced knowledge of misbehaviours, and how to address them, very constructive. I am grateful for their support during those tough times.

DS2 has grown into a lovely young man.

Good luck OP.

Hi there. Sympathies. I adopted two girls - one of them was a bit bouncy at school to say the least but no one ever called me at home. And in fact they rarely spoke to me about specific incidents. We all knew there were issues and the school dealt with everything professionally.

Anyway, I wanted to check - is he at a state or private school? Is it a large or tiny school? Do they have experience of dealing with challenging behaviours? Is the teacher experienced?

I would note everything because you may need to apply for an ehc plan if you are in England. This is different from diagnosis - it basically means giving him support in school.

But I would also suggest that you look into other support. Is the senco involved? Ask the school to involve OT and speech and language - if they won't and you can afford it, get him assessed privately. Get hold of a book on sensory integration like the Out of Synch Child.

Get in touch with parent support groups in your area so you are linked in to good local info about schools, therapists etc. You may want to find really inclusive after school clubs etc. Again if you are in England your LA website will have lots of info under 'local offer'.

Good luck.

please arrange to go in and speak further, if you haven’t already.

my son (years ago) had a statement with full one to one helper (ADHD and Asperger’s) and at the worst point, his school/teacher would come to me at pick up with a list of complaints. After speaking with a psychiatrist they advised that the teachers were not that interested in him/reasons for behaviour, but more so seemed to be telling me off so i would ‘fix’ him! They helped me find a more productive way to communicate with school, and stop constantly apologising for everything he did at school.
we also agreed on a ‘once a week’ catch rather than a daily list of issues
x.