If you get a call from school telling you your child has misbehaved...

[UhOhSpagettiOh]

...what do you say?

This has happened twice now since the start of the term and I don't really understand what they want out of the call and what they want going forward from me. (Of course I understand they want his behaviour to change)

I absolutely want to work on his behaviour and reinforce whatever they are saying to him. But the conversation is so short and I am left feeling like they just called me to tell me off. So I want to ask the right questions so that we both get more out of the conversation.

I would offer to work with the school on their behaviour. Ask what the bad behaviour involved and any suggestions they have for stopping the behaviour as well as supporting their consequences.

To warrant a call it has to be repeated behaviour or very bad. Is this primary or secondary? They call you because your child will not volunteer that information to you. Primary you can usually collar a parent on collection, secondary? No chance, hence the call.

Just so you know they also ring parents when their children are angels to tell you what a delight it is to have them in the class, otherwise that too goes unreported back by the child. We had a lovely relationship with Ds's head of year and she says she likes to balance out dealing with the bad with the good too.

The call is so you can have a conversation with your child about what is happening, why they are doing what they are doing and what can you do to help them stop that.

So you don't want them to tell you if he has misbehaved?

I’ve been on the receiving end of such a phone call - mortified. I apologised for my child’s behaviour and the fact they had to spend valuable time phoning me. I assured them that DH and I would have a serious conversation with him that evening. Then I asked how we could work together to ensure it didn’t happen again.

Then I listened out for the sheepish ‘I’m home’ at 4pm, heard his account, gave him a piece of my mind and removed privileges. .

“Thank you for letting me know I will talk to him after school”

if it kept happening “thanks for letting me know, can we arrange a meeting to discuss what’s happening please?”

This happened a couple of times so we arranged a meeting with DS and the head of year, after a private chat with head of year first.

I would be apologising, reassuring them that I would be taking this into account at home and asking for a meeting with the class/subject teacher or whoever was appropriate if it was not the first call that I'd had.

That.

I mainly just let parents know because we've reach a stage where I daren't let anything go unsaid lest the child goes home and complains (primary, nice area). I get in there first basically but say it's been dealt with and tomorrow is a fresh start. If possible I'd speak to a parent at pick up when it perhaps seems like less of a big deal. I pass on things I wouldn't have dreamed of communicating ten years ago, just as I do with teeny tiny injuries and any minor upsets.

Is there anything you can suggest we and you can do to help him make better choices?
Is there any pattern to the behaviour you are seeing at school?

It’s hard when you are caught on the back foot with a call out the blue. When the member of staff makes you feel like a naughty five year old yourself rather than someone who is working with them it’s even harder.

I would try and be as professional as you can be in the way you talk. Obviously you are going to have more emotion attached to the situation because it is your child but try not to let that affect your thinking when dealing with the school.

"Ok. I will talk to them about it. Thank you for letting me know."

I think that would be a suitable response.

If something is happening that is causing the issue or talking to your child isn't helping resolve the problem, then I'd request a meeting to see what else could be done.

Be open to working with the school on understanding what he's done and impact on other children. I would also be asking for their suggestions on what you can do at home to reinforce better choices and better behaviour. Your school is good to do this remember, they want to nip bad behavior in the bud so its a better environment for all. You aren't being targeted or told off. Be open to that.

Edited to add that I've been on the other side. Repetitive petty bullying behaviour from one or two kids towards my DS. I absolutely complained to the school and they have contacted the parents twice now. That's not before they also repeatedly did whole class reminders on making better choices.

you ask for a meeting at school to find out more information and to set up a joint plan of how to tackle this behaviour.

don’t bury your head.

I'm a teacher and I hate ringing parents. Most teachers do and it's usually because we've let a few things slide and it's getting to the point that the behaviour is persistent. Also as a parent myself I would want to know if my child was/is misbehaving (hard as it is to hear). Often the phone call is just as horrible for the teacher as it is for you (I dread them). The best thing you can do is assure the teacher that you will have a word with your child, there will be a consequence at home and to please let you know if this behaviour continues. You also let your child know that you are communicating regularly with his teacher and x, y or z will happen if you get another phone call from school. We are seeing more and more challenging behaviour in school these days and a lot less support from home (not saying this is you OP).

I had numerous phone calls from the school about DD1s behaviour, she has ASC (not an excuse) but sometimes did the wrong thing - so sometimes she wouldn't understand what the teacher had asked the class to do and would ask a friend to explain it to her, and then get in trouble for talking. Other times she'd take fooling around to the nth degree etc. She also had a favourite hoodie that she lived in and would constantly get in trouble for wearing.

I just used to apologise that X or Y had happened and reassure them that I would speak to her about it. For more serious issues or repeat/persistent issues I would request a meeting.

I would be mortified, apologise profusely and tell them what I would be doing at home to punish behaviour so bad it warranted a call home. If it happened again I would ask what they are doing at school and how we can work together or what suggestions they have for me.

"Thank you for letting me know, I'll speak with him/her later"
Q's
Is it constant ?

Where did OP say that?

I would say.

Right ok, thanks for letting me know. That’s not good at all. Me and his Dad will sit him down tonight and talk to him about his behaviour. Thanks.

This. And after a particular teacher’s idiocy, I didn’t automatically apologise for my child either…not a case of “not my child”, far from it (looking at YOU ds) but listening to both sides and not having a knee jerk reaction. Sometimes I agrees with school, sometimes not

“Oh. Oh dear. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll follow up with him at home tonight.”

Indeed

Having worked as a primary teacher, the last thing I want to do at the end if the day is to pick up the phone and complain to a parent. I don't want to draw them on me. I want a peaceful life. The fact that she's called you twice means that your child's behaviour appears to have been out of line.

Find out exactly what your son has done wrong. Explain this to him that it's wrong. Get him to apologise to you, and take away a privilege of his (IPad, treat whatever). If he does it again, take away privilege again.

@Readmorebooks40 yeah I think she felt very awkward. I was expecting her to say more like suggest what I should do...but I was awkward too and didn't ask!

He's only 4. I'm not sure if taking privileges away would help him with in the moment behaviour

@DaisyChain505 no I'm definitely not going to bury my head. I want to support my child to be better behaved and I want to support the school with whatever they are doing. I hate the thought of him disrupting his class mates.

This. Plus I would like to know what time of day, which lesson or teacher and when they will see them again (so I can remind child if my expectations) or was it in a different place eg dining hall or other common theme.