If you get a call from school telling you your child has misbehaved...

[UhOhSpagettiOh]

...what do you say?

This has happened twice now since the start of the term and I don't really understand what they want out of the call and what they want going forward from me. (Of course I understand they want his behaviour to change)

I absolutely want to work on his behaviour and reinforce whatever they are saying to him. But the conversation is so short and I am left feeling like they just called me to tell me off. So I want to ask the right questions so that we both get more out of the conversation.

Here we have someone explaining very clearly to you how to be a responsible parent. It's not rocket science is it?

As a teacher, I would hope a parent I had this conversation with (ideally it would be in person at the classroom door, but if the parent didn’t collect them from school , it would be a phone call) would say, thank you for letting me know and you’d be speaking to them.

I would also hope the parent would tell me what was going on at home. Either with an, ‘I’m not surprised you’ve phoned, their behaviour has been dreadful at home as well!’ or, ‘I’m really supposed you’ve told me they’ve done x/y/z ad they really aren’t like that at home.’

I’d want to know exactly what they were doing. Do they do it at home? What do you do at home when they do it, if so? What works/doesn’t work? What does your child say when you talk to them about the behaviour/phone call?

I'm a primary school teacher. We have to contact parents if their child's behaviour is causing some concern. It would be unprofessional if the first you heard about it was when the school had to implement their sanctions policy. Most schools will have a policy of sanctions that might eventually lead to suspension/exclusion. Most parents would rather have a heads up earlier so they can speak to their child before it potentially becomes a more serious issue.

I dread phoning parents. But I'm secondary -I generally email.

Own it! Apologise. I always try to stifle a laugh when a parent calls them a little shit and always a bit worried when the say wait till I see em!

Find out what happened and why it happened and how it was resolved. Keep saying sorry and thank you.

Are you surprised? Is you it all placid child misunderstood? Can you talk to them and discuss sanctions. I hate to think a child is miserable because of school so misses out at home so I always try to resolve it at school.

Ask the class teacher what they would like you to do.

Ask the class teacher if they suspect any additional needs or behaviour Intervention or more pastoral support (I'm secondary- can a primary teacher translate this?)

If it happened again ask for a meeting and support plan that can be reviewed in 6 weeks with smart targets.

This! 🙌
Thank you @SirChenjins for handling this so well.
Trust me, we don't want to call you. I hate it. We just have to get our side of the story in first, otherwise your little darling will go home and tell you that they're being "picked on".

I would want to know abit more here about what's happening / what's in the lead up to the behaviour. Have they shared any of this with you?
Behaviour is communication. There is always a reason for challenging behaviour.

Is he doing okay with his development generally and is he okay at home?

I imagine they feel they should keep you in the loop because the behaviour is becoming a problem over and above the usual classroom management.

Your child may require specialist support in the future and working together with teachers right from the start will help if you are applying for EHCP in the future for example.
Tackling the issues together means you can agree strategies and how to communicate with your child, hoping solving the issues, but if they don't, creating supportive evidence that your child may be SEN and may need assessment & assistance

It seems unlikely they'd be phoning about a 4 year old's behaviour so early in the year unless they were really concerned. I wouldn't wait around but would arrange a meeting so you can understand exactly what the issues are and how you can work together to support your child. It may be that the teacher suspects your child might need more support going forward and doesn't want to leave it too long before letting you know there's a problem.

From your update the child is only 4 so it’s a bit different considering they are only starting their school lives.
Some kids take longer then others to settle, for some kids the start of school is when a SEN is first identified and some kids are more boisterous then others and need firm guidance on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.

The problem with talking to a 4 year old a few hours after an event is often you only get part of the story if your lucky. You still need to speak to them about it.

Are you there at pick up? Teacher would usually catch me then. As they got older I got an email or a phone call if required (depending on what had happened).

I think it's important that they let you know as DC might not say. Better to know in my opinion.

I’m a year 4 teacher and it is our school policy to make these sort of phone calls, as I imagine it is in most.
From our end, we do it just to keep you in the loop, and to avoid any surprises down the line, eg Parents Eve comes around in January and you mention behaviour issues and the parent is shocked and wants to know why they had never been made aware previously, and they are really shocked by it all. Or as the child gets older and by chance their behaviour gets worse and becomes more disruptive, parents might then say “well he was good as gold in ks1, we never had any problems in year 1 and 2 with behaviour!”
So we just keep you informed just to maintain those relationships with home, and so that pupils know that parents and teachers do communicate.

I do understand what you’re saying though, with regards to “what am I supposed to say?” I get it must be a bit awkward- it is for us too!
Best thing to say is “oh god, thanks for letting me know, I’ll have a chat with him later.”

As said above, it’s mainly following policy and to keep parents in the loop - I’ve found the home/school relationship vital when unpicking behaviour with children and helping them move forwards. The school I work in follow a restorative approach so when making such phone calls it’ll also be me telling the parent what happened, what we’ve done as a school to unpick the incident/find the root cause of the behaviour, any sanctions given and how issues have been resolved.

From the parents I wouldn’t expect much more than a ‘we’ll speak to them at home’ however in many cases the parents will share more such as ‘gosh I know x happened last weekend and they’ve been a nightmare since’ which helps as we can see different triggers etc!

Have you actually talked to your child about it?

This happened when my ds started school.

It was never anything you would t expect from a child of just turned 4!

I would work with school.

Eventually I asked for a meeting and suggested a behaviour plan and we work together.

"Oh he's not that bad" was the response 🤔🤯

So I asked what the phone calls were for.

"We were just letting you know"

Turned out they knew he was just doing the odd thing a 4yo did. Had no concerns. It was managed and didn't actually want anything.

It was all rather odd 😂

What you don't do is call the teacher a liar and tell them your child would never do that when said teacher was the one that witnessed it. And then blame it all on the child their child attacked.

OP I feel like you're getting a bit of a hard time from some posters. As both a teacher and a parent, I thought it was a great question you asked. You clearly care and want to communicate that to your child's school. If you weren't a responsible parent, you wouldn't be asking.

As he's only 4, I really think you need to look at what is behind this behaviour. What behaviour are they seeing? We are not even a half term in, he's still getting used to the routines and is probably exhausted.

She didn't say that. She wants to advice on how to respond

I had this with four year old grandson. Usually wriggling on the mat or staring out of the window in class. It was awkward as the grandmother being collared in the playground by the teacher in earshot of other parents, while holding my grandsons hand, who would then start sobbing.

I dreaded the "Could I just have a word".

I'm not sure why so many people are writing to justify the call. I definitely want to know about his behaviour. But the call was so short and I wasn't expecting it so I didn't have questions prepared. I'm owning that! I'm shit at thinking on the spot and I was mortified.

I'm glad I have been kept in the loop. I just don't think I handled the call very well, since I am left not really knowing what to do about it and not knowing what they expect me to do about it.

I want to cooperate with his teacher and the school in general for the sake of my child, his teacher and the other students. I was asking how to be cooperative.

I feel like I've been misunderstood and now I'm worrying I won't be understood when I broach the subject with the teacher again.

Of course I have. What makes you think I haven't? Genuine question.

I think some of us just tried to justify the call to let you know it's something teachers have to do nowadays and they don't necessarily expect much back. It's more an FYI. If you listened and said you'd talk to him I'm sure they were pleased.

Yes I listened. I said "sorry you had to deal with that" and "we'll work on it at home'. But literally just that....we didn't properly discuss it.

What did he say?

How is he at home? Was the conversation with the class teacher a surprise to you?

I’d pop in after school next time you collect him and have a quick chat with the teacher. Jot down some ideas from this thread if there was anything you thought was useful

Wait and see if you get another call.

Maybe have a list of questions just in case you do get another - I have spoken to him at home each time - is there something happening before hand - do you think this is a serious problem or will it settle?

I’d say we get more behaviour reports from secondary than primary actually. It’s actually really helpful as you can pull them up or congratulate them that day whilst it’s fresh. It’s not a call though, there’s an automatic email sent. Teachers send it from the registration pad so it’s a quick process.