27 year old DSS still living at home

[Joycedelight]

As the title really.
DSS is 27 and has lived with me and his dad for the last 4 years. We were not expecting to still have him living at home at this point.

He has spoken to a mortgage advisor who has told him his budget, there are properties in our area for that amount but apparently they are not suitable. He is expecting to move into a house (not a flat), with 2 bedrooms, a garage and somewhere off road to park his car. He will not consider shared ownership or any buying scheme.

He is single and does not want a girlfriend so has nobody to share the cost with.
Every so often he mentions about moving out but then it all goes quiet. His latest plan is to start the process this time next year.
He has a decent deposit as has been saving while living with us.
DH said it may be that he doesn't want to live alone but what does that mean for us? Surely he can't live with us forever?

He doesn't really go out much (he does work) so is in the house a lot and eats every meal with us. He does no housework except his own washing. We asked him to take on the cleaning of the shower room which he did for a week or two and now only does it when we ask him to and even then takes a surface spray and kitchen roll and is in there for a couple of minutes.

He pays rent of £250 to us pm.

What do we do here, just continue to wait indefinitely?

Don’t be ridiculous. This isn’t a step parent thing, this is a young adult taking the piss by not pulling his weight on chores and paying minimal rent thing. Answers would be the same if it was the biological child of both.

You simply need to make staying less attractive than going:

Rent and contributions to bills much closer to the market rate (if you don't need all of it you could save it and gift it to him once he has moved out).

An equal share of the household responsibilities: cooking, cleaning, shopping, gardening/DIY etc.

At least one evening a week to spend alone with your husband.

Your husband is doing him no favours. His job as a parent is to raise an independent adult, not to mollycoddle him. My DD was doing more than your DSS when she was 14 and she didn't need to be asked.

Maybe he's waiting for you both to die and leave the place to him!

Why do adult children not understand that parents want privacy in their own home eventually?

I do wonder. Does it ever cross their minds that we are couples that want their sex lives back time to just be adults and not be “on” as parents?

I disagree. Mine are still younger, but I very much expect to help when they are in their twenties to get a foot on the housing ladder by staying with me as long as is necessary - I don't want them wasting money on renting somewhere else (unless they want to, or need to for location reasons), I don't want them having the hassle of moving again, and I'd much rather they were able to buy somewhere they loved than something mediocre, when we are talking hundreds of thousands of pounds. I can fully imagine I would not feel the same if it were a step child though, but that's why I'd never have gotten with a man who already had children in the first place. My own children, I intend to help as much as I can.

He can rent in a houseshare.

I have two sets of friends who are in their late forties and fifties, whose parent live with them (partially for caring purposes, partially financial reasons it made sense). I suspect both couples have managed to have sex lives as children have been produced.
In many cultures, families are multi-generational, and they manage fine.

Life is very hard, financially, for many people - forcing a young adult out into unnecessary renting seems wasteful to me.

Put his rent up until it becomes unaffordable for him to stay with you!

He has no right to insist he stays. It's not his home! His attitude is appalling, especially as he is capable of financially supporting himself.

I agree with posters who suggest a firm timeline. He must be saving a lot of money so if he’s determined to buy a nicer first house, he should be able to save up a larger deposit fairly quickly. A couple of years max. perhaps, plus interest rates will probably drop.

Re. Helping him towards a house purchase. Remember that your DH needs to treat his two children equally so if he gives his son a certain sum, he’ll need to match it for his daughter.

Tell him you are downsizing to a 1 bed place next year and he needs to get his sh*t together.

DH would never go for this option! DH wants to talk to him alone about the situation but I know he doesn't really want to and won't say what needs to be said. He's scared of upsetting DSS and losing his relationship with him.

@Joycedelight Dies your DH at least have a timeline in mind? Would he like his DS to move out by 30, for example?

I think that he needs to have a timeline in mind when they have their chat…or your DS could still be with you in 10 years.