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Original poster

27 year old DSS still living at home

63 replies

Joycedelight · 09/10/2024 09:23

As the title really.
DSS is 27 and has lived with me and his dad for the last 4 years. We were not expecting to still have him living at home at this point.

He has spoken to a mortgage advisor who has told him his budget, there are properties in our area for that amount but apparently they are not suitable. He is expecting to move into a house (not a flat), with 2 bedrooms, a garage and somewhere off road to park his car. He will not consider shared ownership or any buying scheme.

He is single and does not want a girlfriend so has nobody to share the cost with.
Every so often he mentions about moving out but then it all goes quiet. His latest plan is to start the process this time next year.
He has a decent deposit as has been saving while living with us.
DH said it may be that he doesn't want to live alone but what does that mean for us? Surely he can't live with us forever?

He doesn't really go out much (he does work) so is in the house a lot and eats every meal with us. He does no housework except his own washing. We asked him to take on the cleaning of the shower room which he did for a week or two and now only does it when we ask him to and even then takes a surface spray and kitchen roll and is in there for a couple of minutes.

He pays rent of £250 to us pm.

What do we do here, just continue to wait indefinitely?

OP posts:
jannier · 09/10/2024 10:23

I'd be upping his rent to a reasonable level he's got a deposit now. I'd be telling him his cooking rota at least twice a week or tell him to buy and cook himself. He would be doing a share of jobs and all his washing ironing and changes of beds why move out when it's cushy at home?

Zombella · 09/10/2024 10:24

No wonder he doesn't want to leave. Who cleans up after him? You or his dad? It's you, right?

This is a classic case of 'failure to launch'. His excuses are pathetic. He won't leave until he buys a house? Oh c'mon!

His unwillingness to clean up after himself is 'strategic incompetence' and stinks of misogyny. Why clean up when there's a woman in the house to do it, eh?!

As a woman, you'll be bearing the brunt of his refusal to leave.

You need to give him a deadline to leave and stick to it. Do not allow him or his dad to emotionally blackmail you into letting him stay. Otherwise he'll never leave and you'll be playing (step) mummy to him into his forties.

Down tools and immediately stop cleaning up or tidying up after him. Don't clean anything he's meant to clean.

AnnaMagnani · 09/10/2024 10:25

Start making it more like he's renting in a shared house - double the rent, he does his own cooking, laundry and cleaning.

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MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/10/2024 10:25

I wouldn't want him to rent,that's dead money and you do want him to be able to move out eventually.

I think he needs to up his game at home and also a big chat needs to be had about realistic expectations.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/10/2024 10:29

Joycedelight · 09/10/2024 09:30

He says he can't afford to on his own. He also runs one of those loud, boy racer cars so I expect that costs £££ to run and insure .
He says he likes living with us so I don't think he's really looking at options seriously.

Show quote history

Unfortunately if he likes living with you then you will need to either tell him he has to leave, or accept he will stay for a while. If I was your DH I would probably feel the same and not want to ask him to go but I appreciate from your perspective it's not ideal. Can you find a way to give yourselves more privacy / time alone as a compromise?

caringcarer · 09/10/2024 10:49

I think the problem is he doesn't cook you and DH a meal and expects you to do all the cooking and cleaning. Make a rota for cooking and cleaning and put you, DH and him on it so your step son cooks every third day. Also make him do household chores like on a day he doesn't cook he has to clean up the kitchen. Show him how to use a steam mop, how to clean out the fridge and microwave, make him go shopping for food from the supermarket and increase the money he pays towards bills to £300 pcm. Tell him you are preparing him for living in his own home. Also would your DH gift him a bit of money to pay for his legal fees for buying a small 2 bedroom house. Tell him he can rent a room out to cover the mortgage. I'd be more worried he wasn't going out or making friends or trying to find a partner.

Todaywasbetter · 09/10/2024 11:09

He should be paying about third of his take-home income plus a share of bills. Upgrade deal and he may consider it impetus to go rent a place

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/10/2024 11:43

Set a deadline for him to.move out, after which date he pays £500 plus a third of all bills, 3rd of shopping and commits to doing 1 hour of cleaning per week.

He needs to be expected to behave like an adult not a teenager.

OriginalUsername2 · 09/10/2024 11:49

He needs pushing out of the nest 🪹

Bonbon21 · 09/10/2024 12:05

At 27 his live-in arrangement with you two should be more on the lines of a flat share.. one third of bills, cleaning rota, cooking rota or he does his own, including buying it and clearing up.. straight away...
So his rent has to go up - this might seem counter-productive IF he is actually saving, but it is time he joined the real world.
As for his mental health... why is that such a big concern? Does he have a history? Has he sought help if so?
He is 27.. not 17...

Give him a timeline... and stick to it...

redtrain123 · 09/10/2024 12:09

I think it’s very easy for them to get settled sit home, and the thought of moving out can be scary. Also, youngsters seem to want to go straight to the house stage, and miss the flat stage out.

I would definantly get him more involved with cooking. A good introduction is either getting a ‘five ingredient’ cooking book, or using or the ‘Simple fresh’ herbs delivery. Makes cooking more approachable , and less daunting, with good results.

Having a meeting as suggested above, is a good idea, to thrash out ideas and make plans. Maybe you could a plot a timeline for moving out, with goals to get a deposit, start house hunting etc. if he needs to earn more money, this can be part of the plan.

BeachRide · 09/10/2024 12:09

Time to sour the milk, OP.

kiwiane · 09/10/2024 12:10

Just say you both want him to leave and set a deadline; you’re the ones losing out while he saves and you have no privacy.

TiredyMcTiredson · 09/10/2024 12:12

I would support my child to enable them to buy a house they love, not one that has to just about suffice, if I can. I would love for my dc to be saving to buy a proper house, not a flat they will soon outgrow, so they don't have the extra incurred costs of moving again. BUT, he's not your son, so you obviously don't feel this way about him. His father obviously does. You chose to marry someone who had children - that's on you. You need to accept his father wants to support his son here and suck it up.
I also think it is nice for a father and son to have this experience, and will support their bond. I can understand you wanting your own space. Maybe you be the one to move out then.

Tenantindespair · 09/10/2024 12:56

I’m 26 and have two children. I went to uni, moved back home for a year and then moved into a rented house at 22. We’ve been renting for the last 4 years (and had lots of issues hence my username!) and are currently buying our first house. I was the eldest of lots of children at home and did a significant chunk of childcare/cooking/cleaning/errands as well as working full time. If I wasn’t at work I was expected to pitch in. I was very keen to move out as soon as possible! While I probably did too much at home, it has prepared me well for the real world as I already knew how to run a house! When I went to uni I had boy flatmates who didn’t know how to use a washing machine and just bagged all their washing up to take home to their Mum.

I think you need to set a deadline - my parents did this with me, and it encouraged me to find something quickly. Even if it’s a year from now, a ticking clock will incentivise him. It doesn’t matter if he’s going to rent or buy, the choice is his, but he can’t stay at home any longer. Agree with other posters that buying a house and taking a lodger may be a good solution - company, reduced bills.

In the meantime, he needs to start developing skills - tell him he needs to do his own washing, ask what day of the week he wants the washing machine free to do it and leave him to crack on. If he doesn’t do it, that’s on him.

if he isn’t contributing towards food shopping and is eating with you he needs to contribute. I’d also send him shopping with a list every few weeks, share the load of the shopping and get him used to it. Equally, pick a night of the week where is responsible for cooking.

It may be worth him looking at new build properties, they run quite a few incentives for first time buyers and there may be something he likes. Getting a mortgage in principle and properly looking around houses may get him excited about the next step.

He is definitely taking advantage and he knows that! Don’t be unkind, but make it clear that it’s unsustainable for you to do all the housework when there are three adults in the house. I would also make sure this is all coming from DH and not you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/10/2024 14:45

Course he likes living with you for £250 a month with all meals and washing done

Increase his board

If nice can give it to him when leaves /add to his deposit

But wow that's cheap at £250

TomatoSandwiches · 09/10/2024 14:56

Why do adult children not understand that parents want privacy in their own home eventually? So many are just ridiculously selfish, they don't even clean up after themselves, I cringe everytime I read these posts and the " child " is over 25 and working.

Your DH is the problem here op, he makes it too comfortable, SMH.

FrenchandSaunders · 09/10/2024 15:32

So many people are anti rent. It's a rite of passage for many young adults, rent a grotty room, move up to a flatshare ... eventually buy a place of your own (hopefully). It's how you develop life skills and learn to run your own life. It's not good to go from nice comfy home with parents to a 'perfect' house.

TeeBee · 09/10/2024 15:40

Start having loud sex on the sofa.

Tittat50 · 09/10/2024 15:41

My usual line - for which I'm sure I'll be jumped on ...

There's a sense from all you've said that he is ND; Autistic or ADHD possibly? I appreciate it doesn't change anything but it would explain elements. I imagine his dad is aware on some level he's different ( more at risk of MH issues) hence not pushing him.

If you can support him in finding somewhere really close by I imagine it would help him alot to feel the security of having you close. Once he's settled and established in his own place, he'll probably be absolutely fine.

A house share rental wouldn't be too difficult with one other person until he's ready and able to buy. I don't think it's unreasonable to say it's best for him and his independence as an adult to move towards rental share or house purchase, both close by.

( Many of us had to house share rent with strangers and often if lucky they became friends. )

Original poster
Joycedelight · 09/10/2024 16:08

Thanks for all the feedback. I think we'll talk to him about taking on some adult responsibilities in our house and talk to him about a deadline to move out. He's v stubborn though and insistent he won't move into shared ownership, help to buy, flats etc. It'll be years before he can buy his ideal place on his own though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Joycedelight · 09/10/2024 16:08

Tittat50 · 09/10/2024 15:41

My usual line - for which I'm sure I'll be jumped on ...

There's a sense from all you've said that he is ND; Autistic or ADHD possibly? I appreciate it doesn't change anything but it would explain elements. I imagine his dad is aware on some level he's different ( more at risk of MH issues) hence not pushing him.

If you can support him in finding somewhere really close by I imagine it would help him alot to feel the security of having you close. Once he's settled and established in his own place, he'll probably be absolutely fine.

A house share rental wouldn't be too difficult with one other person until he's ready and able to buy. I don't think it's unreasonable to say it's best for him and his independence as an adult to move towards rental share or house purchase, both close by.

( Many of us had to house share rent with strangers and often if lucky they became friends. )

Edited

No ND that any of us know about.

OP posts:
YellowRoom · 09/10/2024 16:43

I'm genuinely shocked that a 27 year old is being cosseted like this. Why is your DH not encouraging him to be independent and make his way in the world. Is this not the point of parenting?

Escaperoom · 09/10/2024 16:46

Point out to your DH that as much as he worries about his son living alone - if the current situation continues then he will almost definitely end up living alone at some point because the two of you are not immortal. In the long run it is not doing him any favours not to encourage him to grow up and become independent.

Todaywasbetter · 09/10/2024 16:47

You can’t wait years. Legally, he has the rights of a lodger. I would’ve been generous but his use use of the word ‘insist’ changes that.

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