Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

27 year old DSS still living at home

63 replies

Joycedelight · 09/10/2024 09:23

As the title really.
DSS is 27 and has lived with me and his dad for the last 4 years. We were not expecting to still have him living at home at this point.

He has spoken to a mortgage advisor who has told him his budget, there are properties in our area for that amount but apparently they are not suitable. He is expecting to move into a house (not a flat), with 2 bedrooms, a garage and somewhere off road to park his car. He will not consider shared ownership or any buying scheme.

He is single and does not want a girlfriend so has nobody to share the cost with.
Every so often he mentions about moving out but then it all goes quiet. His latest plan is to start the process this time next year.
He has a decent deposit as has been saving while living with us.
DH said it may be that he doesn't want to live alone but what does that mean for us? Surely he can't live with us forever?

He doesn't really go out much (he does work) so is in the house a lot and eats every meal with us. He does no housework except his own washing. We asked him to take on the cleaning of the shower room which he did for a week or two and now only does it when we ask him to and even then takes a surface spray and kitchen roll and is in there for a couple of minutes.

He pays rent of £250 to us pm.

What do we do here, just continue to wait indefinitely?

OP posts:

HighlandCow78 · 09/10/2024 09:27

Why can’t he rent? 27 is quite young to buy these days, his list of wants is very unreasonable unless he has a big salary of massive savings

Moveoverdarlin · 09/10/2024 09:30

I’d give him a deadline. Can your DH boost his deposit? Could he say ‘Let’s look to getting you something in the New Year, I can give you 5k towards your deposit but I think you need to lower your expectations. Parking and garage are must haves on your second homes but not your first’.

Original poster

Joycedelight · 09/10/2024 09:30

HighlandCow78 · 09/10/2024 09:27

Why can’t he rent? 27 is quite young to buy these days, his list of wants is very unreasonable unless he has a big salary of massive savings

He says he can't afford to on his own. He also runs one of those loud, boy racer cars so I expect that costs £££ to run and insure .
He says he likes living with us so I don't think he's really looking at options seriously.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Cynic17 · 09/10/2024 09:36

You need to teach him about compromise! When we were in our early 20s and buying our first house, we said we wanted a garage. We quickly realised that wasn't feasible, so bought a house without one. 35 years later, we still live in the same house and have never had a garage...... Honestly, as long as the house is safe and secure, nothing else is essential. Just stop indulging him and get tough.

Malaguena123 · 09/10/2024 09:38

My first thought was "He's got it easy - a roof over his head and meals for just £250 a month". But maybe he's a bit scared of living on his own/ having the responsibilities of a house and mortgage which is why his wish list is getting longer and more unrealistic. I'd give him a time limit and point out that house prices tend to go up not down and if he doesn't buy soon, he's pricing himself out of buying anything. I'd say a small house is better than a flat- no lease problems and service charges - can he afford one in your area?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2024 09:39

Are there any other children in the picture? Of course he doesn’t want to move out. He’s successfully strung being looked after like a child into his late 20s, he’ll continue putting obstacles in the way until you’re both dead and he can stay in your house. Has he ever been independent or did his mum kick him out at 23?

It’s not clear if DH is on the same page as you but if he is you just need to agree on a deadline and tell him. Or up his rent to a reasonable rate so he chooses to live elsewhere. If he’s not then tackle that first.

LostittoBostik · 09/10/2024 09:42

This is really extreme but honestly in this situation (if no other younger children who need support) I would just downsize to a home too small for him to stay with you in.

Original poster

Joycedelight · 09/10/2024 09:45

Thank you for all the views. He lived with his mum until she moved abroad then we paid for him and his sister to rent somewhere together on our road for 6 months before they then moved in with us.
DH understands my views but equally doesn't want to kick his son out. He's worried he'll get mental health problems living alone and will end up doing something to himself.

OP posts:

Futurethinking2026 · 09/10/2024 09:48

What is his sister doing now?

Pumpkindoodles · 09/10/2024 09:49

I think in principle there’s nothing wrong with him living with you, if he lives there as another adult. Right now he’s living with you as a 27 year old teenager.

Presumably he isn’t cooking or buying his own food if he’s eating meals with you, has no bills and no cleaning to do, and his rent to you is about a 3rd of the price he’d pay for a room in a grotty flat share, no wonder he doesn’t want to move out. I think you and DH are doing him a disservice, it’s a bit of a failure to launch situation. Obviously he’s an adult and it’s his own fault really but you definitely aren’t helping. Imagine what a shock to the system moving would be to him, so it’s probably terrifying for him. i suspect if you start creating more adult expectations for him then moving out won’t seem as scary and your house won’t seem quite as convenient.

I’d potentially be worried that he’s 27, doesn’t go out much (any friends?) no interest in dating or spending time with anyone except parents though.

Original poster

Joycedelight · 09/10/2024 09:51

Futurethinking2026 · 09/10/2024 09:48

What is his sister doing now?

His sister is early 20s and loved abroad with their mum.

OP posts:

user1492757084 · 09/10/2024 09:55

Look at assisting him purshasing something in his budget.
If he buys a place that he really could live in and also takes in a lodger, that might work.

Or if he purchases something and rents it out for six months while he prepared to move out - that might work.

Otherwise you need to set much more realistic living arrangements for him to stay living with you.
Examine and critique the shower cleaning. Have him leave you two nights per week where you can eat and spend the evening alone.
Invite some potential flat mates over (or ask his sister to keep bringing new friends around).

TeenagersAngst · 09/10/2024 09:58

Well, of course he loves living with you if he does minimal cleaning, gets his meals prepared and pays £250 a month. What's not to love?

I think it's justifiable to charge a low rent while they're saving for a deposit, but if he's saved that up, I would start to increase his rent and make life a little harder i.e. no cooking or doing anything personal for him.

Unless he has mental health problems, it's unlikely he'll do anything stupid while living alone. He just doesn't want to move because he's settled where he is.

maudelovesharold · 09/10/2024 10:02

I imagine it’s because he’s anxious about living on his own. If he has what he feels is a good, convivial relationship with you and his Dad, he probably thinks you feel the same way as he does about the current living arrangement. What’s driving your wish for him to move out? Do you feel the house isn’t big enough, he’s not paying enough rent, his lifestyle impinges on yours?

It’s much more usual now for adult children to hang on longer at home for various reasons, and he might just like the security, especially if his Mum’s abroad. You don’t stop wanting a comfort zone as soon as you’re in your 20s! If there’s a specific impact on you, then fair enough, there’ll have to be a discussion, but if it’s just because you think he should be in a place of his own by now, then maybe go easy on him. Men are less likely to confide any deep-seated fears/anxieties, but doesn’t mean they don’t feel them. Could his Dad (or you) start a conversation around that, with a view to maybe reassuring him that having his own place doesn’t mean he’ll be cut off from you both?

Blobblobblob · 09/10/2024 10:03

You have close to zero expectations of him and he is too comfortable.

It really is that simple. His dad is being ridiculous. Helping your adult kids to be adults is the answer, not babying them.

cestlavielife · 09/10/2024 10:07

What evidence is there he will self harm if living alone?
If he has mh issues urge him to see his GP for referral.
But if course living paying 250 and all cleaning etc included is easier

Rewis · 09/10/2024 10:10

He's worried he'll get mental health problems living alone and will end up doing something to himself.
Is this a genuine risk? Does he have a history of depression and self-harm? Does she need to be observed all the time so being alone doesn't trigger him? Or has your partner just made that up because he once read an article of this happening to someone?

Mindymomo · 09/10/2024 10:11

No advice from me, I have 2 adults sons still at home, one 28 the other 32. The younger is looking at a flat on Saturday at a ridiculous high price, to buy with gf. We are in the SE where it’s so expensive, my elder DS has a good deposit, but on his own, we’ve worked it out, all his salary would be spent on mortgage and living expenses, he’s good company for us, pays his way and helps where needed.

Jessie1259 · 09/10/2024 10:15

I wouldn't want ds to be in a shared ownership place or a buying scheme so that just seems sensible to me. There can be huge problems with flats and the ground rent and service fees going up and up and one bedroom houses can be difficult to sell - so he sounds very sensible to me.

Why would he need a garage and somewhere off road to park his car though? Surely he'd park it in the garage? Having a garage will reduce his insurance so that does make sense. He's no paying much keep, about £60 a week. Perhaps instead of getting him to do chores which he won't keep up, put the money up instead.

I would never kick my kid out though so I'm with his dad on that. I'd be surprised if he didn't want to move out, it seems more like he's sensibly waiting for the right thing and maybe doesn't have enough for it at the moment. I'd help him look for suitable places if you can and look at the difference between how much he has and how much he needs - and how long it is likely to take him to save up.

Tumbler2121 · 09/10/2024 10:15

Treble his rent and use the money for a cleaner, food delivery and holidays for you.

YellowRoom · 09/10/2024 10:15

Why does he do no housework? Are you cooking for him? Lots of people live alone - it's not for everyone but not an automatic path to 'doing something to himself' - where has this come from? Why is his dad scared to ask anything of him?

loopsaloo · 09/10/2024 10:18

I fear I'll be in your situation in a few years - DSS has been with us 18 months, just turned 23.
Does absolutely nothing unless asked, works from home. Pays rent but seems to think this negates the need to contribute absolutely anything else.
It's driving me potty

buttonsB4 · 09/10/2024 10:22

If your DH was genuinely worried about his DS struggling to live alone, he would be a better parent and be teaching him how to live alone.

Does your DH spend a couple of nights a week teaching his son how to cook? Does he take him to the supermarket and show him how to meal plan to a budget? Does he walk him through how to decide which utilities provider to use and how to compare prices of internet providers and similar?

Has your DH shown his son how to regularly clean all the rooms in the house and wash his bedding and mow the lawn etc, so your DSS is familiar with all these tasks, can accomplish them easily and is becoming a man who is capable of living independently?

If not, why not?

Your problem here is your DH. He needs to parent effectively, so his son feels like he is capable of living alone.

ObsidianTree · 09/10/2024 10:22

Up his rent to say £500-£600 a month. Possibly don't include food in that amount. Tell him to cook his own meals from now on. Tell him he needs to get on with moving.

He's got it too easy at yours. You need to make it not worth staying so that he wants to move out!

Futurethinking2026 · 09/10/2024 10:23

I think you need to start making him more of a functioning adult.
Set a meeting between the three of you, along the lines of DSS you are not a child anymore, if you want to stay living here you need to be part of the adulting, you need to cook dinner twice a week. You need to do a third of the cleaning. This means X, Y & Z needs doing daily / weekly and not when we tell you to do it. DH & I would also like dinner alone once a week / month so on X day please can you sort your own dinner.

Flip

1 2 3