Were you “tiger” parented? How do you think it turned out for you?

[User37482]

Just wondering how people who were actually tiger parented actually feel about how they were parented? Have you done the same for your own children?

I actually think it doesn't take much to break your child. I actually remember the day I went from a happy carefree childhood to very unhappy teenager in Year 9 - my dad came back from parents evening and I think the feedback was I was a decent B student. He came home SO angry. He didn't shout or hit me, but the disappointment was so palpable and heavy, I cried the next day at school and I've never forgotten it. I turned my life to studying ahead of everything (I became a top student my year every year after), and my parents enforced it. I'm sure they were thinking they were doing a great job because I was motivated to study myself and had high ambitions for university. But I never learned how to stand up to them and have my own voice until I was an adult. It was both self-motivated and forced, and it's affected my whole life, relationships, work.

Some kids turn into adults who say it made them resilient and succeed. (I've seen this narrative repeatedly when I lived in Singapore and Hong Kong.) And for some kids it breaks them. You don't know which one you'll have. And even if things look visibally well in childhood and adulthood, it may not be deep down.

@User37482 does she get a chance to play with other kids much , outside of structured school? Like play dates at your house etc ? Also you said that you were in the uk education system but then that you live in a really hot country?

Oh god yes, since august I’ve had stuff every weekend. It’s been bloody hectic in addition to the class parties. She also does one club with her bestie. It’s a British curriculum school.

Thats so sad, I can’t imagine affecting my child like that.

I mean she’s running around with glue and some glitter at the moment, I probably should have mentioned she sleeps about 9 hours.

My parents had very high expectations and nothing I did ever really seemed to meet them.

I don't have a close relationship with them as an adult.

Yes!

Absolutely.

My extra-curricular activities were piano and violin. These were chosen for me. Luckily I absolutely adore ensemble music making.

I don’t think I got to choose my haircut until I left home. And no white as it was the colour of death, no black because it was unhappy. Lots of red.

I purposely applied to Oxford, as I knew that that was the only way to leave home. Otherwise I would have been expected to go to a London university and live at home.

I was thinking about this thread again.

I think these are the questions I would suggest the OP thinks about:

At the moment, it sounds like your DD actively enjoys worksheets and things with you. If she stops enjoying them or becomes resistant - how would you react and what would you do?

At the moment, it sounds like you have a very bright child. But these things can change or level out. I know a lot of people who were very bright at this age and then became more average over time. How disappointed would you be if this happened with your DD? What would your response be?

I think one of the features of a tiger mum that can be the most damaging is not accepting ebbs and flows in academic intelligence and interests and having very high expectations.

You're currently doing a lot of extra work with her, given that she is only 4. That's ok if it's genuinely child led but if she starts to resent it, I would be quite responsive to backing off it for a while.

I was tiger parented. Whilst I now have a successful career and high salary, it has definitely affected me as a person. I struggle to communicate with my husband. I’m not good at telling him what I want or what I’m not happy about, so I go along with things I don’t want to or end up building resentment at things until I blow. I am working on being a better communicator but it’s not surprising after growing up with strict and controlling parents.

I also question my parenting a lot, and remind myself often I don’t want to be anything like my parents.

As a teen and young adult, I lied a lot to my parents, just so I can have some form of a social life. I lost friends often at school as I was never allowed to go to meet ups outside of school so I used to lie about how exciting my weekends were with made up friends from outside of school, but the friendships I formed at school never lasted long as they would often meet on weekends and in holidays and I couldn’t. And then as I started university I lied a lot to my parents about always studying when really I had secret boyfriends and secret casual sexual relationships. The lying carried on until I met my husband, but it was the only way I could do normal things as a young adult.

My mum often said she should be my best friend and I should tell her everything, but her parenting very much prevented that.

No black for me too as it’s the colour of death. No white either as it was too see through.

I had the same thought about Oxford except my mum found there was a coach that left from 10 minutes from our house in central London so I ended up going to a London university!

I researched it and found out that there are in theory rules about how much time you need to be in Oxford during term time. I asked my tutor very nicely and she wrote to my parents to explain this and to strongly urge - for the sake of my studies - that I not go home at weekends. She was amazing

I was very bright OP. I have a very high IQ and even joined Mensa. I always did well in my studies and I remember when I was 14 and being terrified telling my parents that I barely passed a maths exam, and I also remember the disappointment from both my parents. I now earn a very good 6 figure salary working part time so my intelligence plus my parents expectations paid off. But it also damaged me as a person.

No advice on how to manage your daughter if she is showing signs of being bright, but just to say there is a balance to everything.

Ah I missed a trick there! And super lucky about your tutor. People like her have no idea how much of a difference they made to our lives!

This is so familiar - I'm not an great communicator, I'm a people pleaser, and I spent my teens and 20s lying to parents. My mother also said exactly the same thing, we should be best friends and we should share everything but it was impossible then and it's impossible now.

I wasn't tiger parented and I haven't been a tiger parent with my own children but I had a couple of friends growing up who were and my oldest child also had a friend who was tiger parented. Neither of them have done very well in life.

Two of them had anorexia as teenagers which I am pretty sure is to do with the pressure of never being good enough and to always try harder. One of them never really worked after finishing uni and the other one I am not sure of today but a few years ago she was on a TV show about people in debt. My child's friend is still at uni but she has had such issues acclimatising to having freedom that she's barely studying and just enjoying the freedom. She could almost never hang out with her friends spontanously when she was living at home, everything she wanted to do had to be structured and planned out so now she's kind of spiralling. I think she's having fun though finally.

Neither one of my three examples have much at all to do with their parents and neither was happy with having such strict upbringings and couldn't quite handle adulthood.

I am a tiger parent I suppose. I am also Asian.
First and foremost I work with my children outside of school- I have been reading to them from day 1. I would sometimes spend hours and hours reading. We are a low screen family.

Instead of just worksheets I spent time playing with letters and teaching them phonics. I taught them the basics of maths (not just counting and adding). We used to play board games, games with ten frames. We took them to museums and plays Both my kids play instruments. I supervise their practice and liaise with their teachers. One of mine is very gifted at music and I do everything to support that.

Now that they are older if they are studying a topic I might explore that more with them. DH handles the science and maths and I do the humanities. We are both academics (and DH is a physician and epidemiologist).
We expect them to do their best (irrespective of outcome). DH was doing science experiments on density with our teenager the other day.

Schools in the US give minimal homework so I have done a little extra with them right from when they were tiny. It’s now a habit. They come home, have a snack, de-stress/read, we do some extra work/homework, music practice, they go outside to play while one of us makes dinner. We are strict about behaviour but now they are older (equivalent of Y4 and Y8/9 in the UK) this is not a huge issue.

We hike a lot- every weekend if we can. We also swim regularly with the kids and play lots of board games.

DH’s parents and mine were similar- Asian middle class parents. They encouraged us to read read read and to do well. No one shouted at us about our academics but we were always encouraged to go a step further. Our interests even fleeting ones were always nurtured and I grew up in a house full of books as did DH. And now my children are too. A lot of the learning often happened organically- my Dad taught me how to read poetry- he taught me about metre and onomatopoeia and alliteration at an absurdly young age and I loved saying those words and making my own poems. (He was a professor of linguistics so word play was common in our house).

Name change for this as worried it could be outing…

This is a really interesting thread. My childhood was very like some of those described here: learning French and reading at 2yo, privately educated at great sacrifice, skipped a year in prep school and barely had time to breathe at secondary with drama, music and a tutor because I had to be in the top sets for everything to be entered for the higher level papers to get As. It was crippling for me in maths and science as I found them so hard. I was brilliant at English and my teacher literally used to let me sleep on the carpet at the back of the class because I was so exhausted and she knew I could do the work.

I got an offer and a music scholarship to Oxford and then there was a huge fuck up with the exam papers and I didn't get all the grades I needed. I honestly thought my life was over. I asked to work for a bit and travel then try for uni again but parents said no and I spent a year re-sitting one subject at college so I had a full set of As at A level. I also got an eating disorder and had a bit of a breakdown.

My DF was upset that I ended up going to a university he didn’t rate and where a lot of friends had gone. I hated the course but I needed something familiar. It was still RG but all I get asked now is when I’m going to be promoted (I have a good job but not rich). He loves me but still can’t relate to me really. All he ever wanted for me was his version of high flying and everything he felt he should have been.

Both parents are inwardly a bit gutted about how they managed some of my childhood. They know it has messed me up. My DSis is everything they wanted me to be with a double first from Cambridge and ironically they worry about her way more than me and say she needs to relax more 😂

I have now followed my passions as an adult and I’m fondly patted on the head and indulged because I’m funny and good with animals. I’m much more comfy in my own skin.

I think DH and I are what a pp described as authoritative parents - high standards for behaviour but we always let DD drive her own learning and if she doesn’t want to read that night we don’t make her. I want a happy child with choices, I have no interest in boasting about her like my DF has lived for. I still cringe at him turning the TV off during school holidays in a rage because I should be doing something useful with my time and handing me a book about teaching yourself Ancient Greek. I was 13. Please don’t be that parent.

Oh @Changingdisincase I am sorry that happened to you! What a strong person you are to have forged your own path.

I think I have taught a few girls like you.

I wasn't "tiger parented" but I was rarely praised despite being really academic. I actually got one of the top scores in the country for one of my subjects. I only discovered this when I picked up my exam certificates from my parents' attic many years later. No-one remarked on it at the time.

I went off to a Russell Group uni with 3As in old money, feeling like a bit of a failure because I didn't get into Cambridge (in retrospect, a great thing for me).

My parents said they didn't want to discourage my younger sister because she was less of an all rounder (although she was really good at particular subjects, just struggled with certain GCSEs until she was finally finished with those subjects). They used to praise us to other people and to each other. My Dad would state that I had ambitions that I didn't. He'd basically make stuff up as he never actually listened.

Neither of them told us they loved us ever, although I guess they do in their way.

Needless to say, DSis and I tell our children we love them all the time, praise them for good work and effort and out of school achievements and listen to them.

DSis and I have little in common, but this we definitely agree on!

Nah, I was raised as far from tiger parenting as it's possible to be. Very working class parents who felt that they had failed as parents because I moved away (to uni). They thought I'd live in the same town as all my other (Irish) cousins and it was genuinely scandalous that I left.

I've been a lot more "encouraging" with my own DC. DH and I have prioritised their hobbies and niche interests over everything else. I thought that if they could find a job doing something they really loved then that would be perfect. Ironically they have academic jobs. They still do their hobbies (music, sport, sailing, art) but it was their grades and degrees that have directly opened doors to employment for them.

I was tiger parented and it has lead to life long mental health problems. In my case education was put above all else and extra curriculars were seen as frivolous and useless, if it wasn't related to school and studying it was off limits which caused burnout and depression from a young age. Unfortunately I actually really enjoyed learning and was internally motivated in regards to school, so I was never going to discard school to rebel.

the limited social & extra curricular life lead to a constant feeling of stress and overwork and overwhelm, it meant that I didn't get to be happy in those adolescent years and was restricted socially and physically. Of course I didn't have the language to explain my feelings especially in regards to my mother's intense & overbearing personality. I felt like I was working a full time job in the city as an 11 year old and never understood why there was no time to play, have fun and take part in sports as whilst being highly academic I was also a free & energetic spirit. I didn't understand why there was so much restriction in my household compared to my peers or why doing the homework assigned by teachers and my weekend tutors wasn't enough in terms of expected workload. I had believed in a healthy life of being diligent and efficient with homework to maximise free time, but there was always an excuse to make us study even beyond the homework actually assigned.

I was an unhappy, depressed and isolated teen who ended up having a breakdown at 18 & also feels the parenting style lead to my underacheivement as I genuinely enjoyed learning, working hard was natural for me and putting in my best effort was my way of life. I should have been able to acheive much more than a 2.2 in Comp Sci at University and I mourn my lost childhood & adolescents because I really was a fun loving & energetic person at heart, I wanted to live my life to the fullest & was unable to self actualise.