Were you “tiger” parented? How do you think it turned out for you?

[User37482]

Just wondering how people who were actually tiger parented actually feel about how they were parented? Have you done the same for your own children?

What's this then? Same or different to helicopter parenting?

What is tiger parenting?

"Tiger" parenting is very strict parenting, very high expectations of academic and extracurricular achievement, a "because I said so" relationship with kids, and very tight boundaries so no sleepovers, no hanging out with friends. Think a stereotypical Asian parenting style.

I had tiger parents, but so did everyone else I knew so I didn't realise it was tiger parenting. I'm far more tiger-y than the British parents at my DCs school, but nowhere near as much as I was parented. I lavish praise on effort and time spent practicing/studying, and try hard to ignore lower grades/results as long as the effort was there. And I tell the DCs I love them!!

Just to clarify the final comment - I now understand that my mum does love me, and she sings my praises to all and sundry - but behind my back. To my face its only criticism "to improve". She seemed to feel that if you tell your DCs explicitly that you love them, it somehow makes them feel insecure like maybe you don't love them and have to say it out loud to convince yourself. "Why should I say that I love you, it's obvious". Also, that if kids got praise for anything that they would then "rest on their laurels" and stop bothering to achieve - her attitude was that if you set the bar and the kids jump over it, you immediately hike the bar higher because it must have been set too low. Also, not to celebrate things like graduating from university because "you just achieved what you were supposed to do anyway".

So tonnes of praise of me behind my back and to family - but to my face it's just a litany of how I can do better!!

Both of those two things I have explicitly done the opposite with my DCs.

Turns out I've completely misunderstood the phrase. I thought a tiger parent was an over protective parent, who'd viciously defend their 'cubs'. (Eg. The mum who goes into school to talk to teacher every time a child falls out with hers)

Oh ok!

No I wasn't tiger parented but a friend was to hers. Tutoring, clubs after school every single night, more tutors on a weekend to pass grammar school tests. Academic achievement was the goal.
Now as young adults both her children stopped trying after GCSEs, poor a level results and now work in a fast food restaurant and the other a high street store.
Not saying that would be the case for everyone but that's the experience I've seen and that it didn't lead to higher education but seemingly put them off

@Sprogonthetyne ah I think that's called "lawnmower" parenting - where the parents go ahead and try and mow down all obstacles that they perceive in their children's path. I can see how tiger parenting might sound similar though! The whole "mama bear" thing.

Thanks! your method sounds much like mine. I push DC but I don’t like the idea of critiquing a lot. Much prefer praise and encouragement and hugs! I do worry sometimes that I may go too far!

I’m a tiger parent and have high expectations (not just in academics but in behaviour sports and music too) but I’m also loving and praise easily and will also totally defend DS / DSD.

Yeah this is what I aim for, I come from a culture that has a reputation for being pushy so to me it feels quite natural to have high expectations. But I don’t do shaming.

For those who are a bit on the stricter side my 4yr old does probably about 40 minutes of work 4 days a week and probably 30 minutes on the fifth. We don’t do weekends because she likes a break. She does 6 days of physical extras so plenty of exercise. She also has a shorter school day than the UK. Does that look reasonable?

My mum's methods weren't as extreme as a stereotypical tiger parent but if I had to define her parenting style it would be balanced tiger parenting. While she had high expectations of grades, behaviour etc., she was never too pushy, always praised efforts, was very affectionate and taught us the value of hard work. My brother and I were always expected to graduate university. I completed programs at 2 Ivy League universities and I am also career-driven and worked up the ranks in my industry. I apply the same parenting style with my kids. I involve my DD6 in decisions like picking and choosing her extracurriculars and even her school lunches. I guess you could say I'm coaching her to learn how to be more independent rather than do it for her. Fingers crossed. So far she is happy and performing well in school. My DS is still in pre school but we will be doing the same with him when he starts primary.

My mum was definitely a tiger parent.

Looking back, what makes me a bit sad is realising that I almost never had fun out of school. My out of school time was basically being shouted at to do more chores, more homework, etc. If my mum caught me - gasp - relaxing, she would give me something to do.

Similar to @Xiaoxiong 's mum, she has never praised me. I got 13 A stars and 1 A at GCSE and results day for me was all about being told how shit it was that I didn't get straight A stars

I am basically over it for myself - but when she starts criticising my parenting, it brings it all back for me. The other day she went on a rant about how I think my children are so great. Well, clearly, they are my kids! But she basically said if you're not shouting at them and criticising them, you're not really parenting. Suffice it to say, I don't let her babysit.

I probably a bit more into high expectations than some of my friends are as parents but my children get a lot more affection and I try to praise them when I can see they have tried hard. I also follow their interests and don't force them to do extracurriculars that they don't want to do.

What is the work?

My 4 yo does 5-6 sheets of Kumon everyday (maths and english) so 25mins and I feel like that + reading early readers a few times a week is enough academic homework.

I was on the receiving end of Tiger parenting - extreme pressure re behaviour, respect, helping with housework, academic pressure ( I had an assisted place at independent school and my mother wanted to be able to boast), lots of criticism, very little praise or affection. I ended up at Oxford but I was self motivated from a young age so I think I'd have got there under my own steam/with encouragement from school (I am academically gifted). I am not close to my mother - she is a narcissist and I was her scapegoat. My only value was in boasting rights. She doesn't like me and does not like to spend time with me. It has taught me how not to parent and I don't treat my own child that way - I praise her effort, her hard work but also her intrinsic qualities - her creativity, her kindness. She is academically good to average - a solid B student. She's not sporty or musical or talented at anything else and that's fine because she is enough as she is and lovable as she is - she does not have to earn my affection.

@wouldyouratherdo it sounds like we and our mothers were very similar

I also relate to my mother not actually being interested in me, more seeing me as a project

It made me realise she is almost wholly uninterested in my career - I don't think she even understands vaguely what level I have reached. But she has kept every academic certificate or award - because she thinks of my achievements as a child as really hers. My achievements as an adult are boring

@exprecis my mother has told me - and my siblings - that are achievements are hers - as they only happened due to her efforts and her sacrifices. She taught us to read before we were of school age, she supported our education and she scrimped and saved to pay our school fees. Without her - we would all have achieved nothing and have noting and we are ungrateful for her sacrifices. She is uninterested in us, our lives and definitely not interested in our problems. We all got academic scholarships from a poor immigrant background because the academic giftedness was apparent at a very young age - infant school.

She doesn't enjoy the company of her children - the happiest days of her life were when we were preschoolers - then we didn't have our own opinions and were easier to control.

I asked my mother in my twenties (having suffered hugely with depression, self harm. eating disorders etc), why she never praised, why nothing was ever good enough - her response was that if she didn't point out where I could improve then I would never improve. She has told me many times that I'm unlovable, and that no one would want to marry me. I am now a divorced lone parent and actually have an enviable life - financially secure, great work life balance - apparently no one could ever envy me - the horror of being a single parent - damaged goods...

I had the opposite, Both my parents were semi-literate, unable to help with homework or even able to write sick notes for school, and they tried to get me to leave school at 15, and told me that university was 'only for rich people'. I still got to Oxford, which mortified them.

Basically, what I'm saying is that if you need to pressure your child to achieve academically, maybe they're not really able? Just let them find their own level. You shouldn't have to be pushing them.

My parents were tiger parents and honestly, looking back they were far too strict and I felt and still do feel unloved or a nuisance to them.

To an extent, yes. I was less easy to tiger parent than my brother though, who obediently met all the requirements placed on him. He now has a very poor relationship with my Mum in particular who he feels ruined his childhood and failed to emotionally nurture him. I broke away more dramatically in my teens and refused to conform, eventually my relationship with my parents settled down although there is a sense that I have been a great disappointment to them. I parent my daughter completely differently.

This always reminds me of Jennifer Pan, who was tiger-parented, and who killed her mother and almost killed her father.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Killing_of_Bich_Pan

My aunt knew Bich really well. Jennifer was a drug addict, in a toxic relationship with an abusive drug dealer, and was extremely violent to her mother which is why the father was so strict. But the media picked up on the tiger parenting to play on stereotypes.

She does 20 minutes 5 times reading a week as she’s reading at Y2/Y3 in decoding, started teaching her to read myself about a year ago she picked up decoding fast but we are still trying to figure out exactly where her comprehension is so school are ramping up the stages, so combo of school reading and home reading.

We do 5 minutes on learning spellings (school set) and then we do a few handwriting, comprehension and maths sheets. She does do a maths app in the car as well which she enjoys but sometimes she wants to play eye spy instead.

We do nothing on weekends we are out most of the time doing kids stuff and tbh I think she likes the break and I feel like she needs pure downtime too.

My parents didn’t tiger parent me, they were actually a quite abusive and neglectful, little real interest in our schooling despite our culture, very much outliers. I guess I’m more worried about becoming a tiger parent of the toxic kind iyswim than aiming to be one. I definitely don’t do the “you failed because you didn’t get 100% right” thing. I also don’t want to be that parent who just doesn’t encourage or challenge my child.

I completely understand your point about pushing a child if they are not academically able, I would think thats unfair. Thats not what I’m really trying to do. More get the best out of what she’s got. She’s very small but she picked up reading very quickly and taught herself to add when she was smaller. The feedback I’ve got is that she is very bright (who knows if that changes in the future).

I have a deep fear of letting her down because I didn’t do enough and also a fear of pushing too hard and having her burnout because she really is my world and I want her to have all the opportunities I can give her access to but I am also very invested in her being a happy healthy person.

Thats interesting.

Honestly that sounds utterly brutal, I’m so sorry 💐 my mother was awful to me in a different way but it stays with you forever x