Were you “tiger” parented? How do you think it turned out for you?

[User37482]

Just wondering how people who were actually tiger parented actually feel about how they were parented? Have you done the same for your own children?

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all the feedback. Tbh it sounds bloody awful. It’s given me some food for thought. I do praise a lot and theres a lot of cuddling, sports, kids fun time, playdates etc built into our lives. I think we have an ok balance right now as she has a shorter day than UK schools but I think I’ll keep in mind how much I expect her to do. I was considering adding something but I won’t.

On reflection I think we probably do about 15 minutes reading (she’s quite fluent) 5 minutes spelling, and the rest is a mix of worksheets. The worksheets are easy for her addition and subtraction up to 12 because, I’m focusing on her handwriting and character formation atm (2 & 5 wrong way round etc) so I’m not worried about giving her harder work right at this moment. Comprehension as we are trying to figure that one out ( doing a Yr 1 workbook atm and she’s whizzing through that, seems to like the questions, keeps asking for one more page). i’ll time it properly this week to figure out exactly what she’s doing,

I don't think it's really so much about the amount she is doing as your attitude to it and her.

Tiger parenting is extremely unhealthy! Be warned.

People have drug addictions for reasons though.

Yeah I think this is a big part of it. Theres a lot of warmth in our home, we take an interest in her interests and try to be patient and encouraging rather than authoritarian and dictatorial.

I was tiger parented to an extent. My parents were also very critical. I was a high achiever and met or exceeded all their expectations. Until I got married in my teens and had a baby before I was 20 and proceeded to parent extremely differently to them, especially in not being critical but encouraging instead. Strangely enough, this was actually not disappointing to them as my mother thinks babies are essential for womanly fulfillment and now they tell me that my place is at home rather than high achieving academically and artistically.

Thats interesting, puts me in mind of an article I read about India and how women were excelling in University, with increasing attendance etc but after marriage many stopped working. Their parents saw their academic achievements as a way to secure a good marriage rather than a path to independence and a career. Obviously thats a generalisation.

Not answering your question OP but an observation about others who have been patented this way: I have had to work with and coach young adults who were tiger parented (from their descriptions). They all have severe perfectionism and high standards, a huge fear of failure and are incredibly hard on themselves if they don’t meet their ridiculously high standards. Can be tense and uptight. Unwilling to show any vulnerability.

Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of their upbringings but these are clear patterns and cause them a lot of stress and challenge in the workplace and in life in general.

Mine were interested in my career - until I had a man and baby. I don't think they saw it as a way to secure a good marriage. I am actually very highly qualified myself and was in university at 16 but, to quote when I was finding it tough going one day with studying and children, "Why do it to yourself? Your DH will always earn enough." Personal satisfaction didn't come into it.

I've told my children they should always be able to support themselves without relying on a man. Even if they stay home with children, they should make sure they keep their employability.

This is what I experienced growing up. It was awful and ruined my relationship with my mother amongst other far reaching damage. I took a different approach as a parent myself, both through my natural instincts and reading around the area. The conditionality of tiger parenting is horrible and I try to stay aware and avoid repeating my parents mistakes.

My DH was tiger parented. He has very little to do with his parents now.

My mother started a job when I was in my mid-late teens that involved children and all of a sudden children's feelings mattered (or, at least, the ones she worked with anyway). It made me really angry at the time because we never got that kind of sympathy. She's still not someone I'd go to for support in general.

It depends what you classify as 'work' for a four year old. Children are individuals but from a developmental perspective, as an educator and research psychologist, I wouldn't be comfortable with this.

Having a clear weekend is important. I was a very high achiever and could not take downtime, even as an adult as I kept pushing myself.

Reading can be made a fun activity. Lots of reading to young kids and then library trips.

I did worksheets with mine. With hindsight, crafting and board games would have been as good for hand eye coordination, concentration, sorting items, etc.

Mathsfactor has been good as the methodology is thorough.

Coding lessons have been great and an important lesson in using screens positively.

I believe independent play with friends has been the most important thing as it has built strong social skills.

I'm the same. It's funny because we've both spent so long in education and psychology but I continue to be saddened by the cruel or detrimental opinions she has. I can't understand how she reached the conclusions she has, but I was treated differently than the children she worked with so it hits differently.

In Pakistan yes - women often never even enter the workforce after graduating as their degree is literally only a route to a husband. But in India women do work and do want to work but the problem is that, once married and the household and childcare tasks have to be managed by them even if they work f/t.

To give you an example one of the most senior people at JP Morgan India I know needed to spend 2-3 hours a day managing her household tasks even though they were outsourced as her paid for help refused to deal with her husband or mil. When she had children she felt she had no choice but to send them to boarding school early. It’s ridiculous how bad household help is there even when you pay for it.

I code. IME nothing is better for kids under 10 than lego for developing the skills required to learn how to code. Need to remember that nowadays people have to be prepared to learn many languages fast (the luxury of being a single language ‘specialist’ is only to be found in India) and you can’t do that if you learn how to code using a language first (even if it is scratch).

Lego, logical games (like chess), building things, following and creating cooking / baking recipes will improve base coding skills massively.

This is exactly what came into my head. I'd also be curious of the suicide rate of children raised like this.

Yeah we make sure she has a lot of fun on weekends, parties, playdates, shows (these are very much priorities because she enjoys them).

We play boardgames too, she likes monopoly and playing cards games. Dh taught her draughts and now teaching her to play chess. I don’t think it’s healthy to work all the time and we have clear boundaries around our weekends.

Although I was given love and praise it was very much used as a tool of control. If I was meeting expectations for study and achievement etc then I could be given love. It has messed my life up so much that I have to ‘earn’ love and was never simply loved for my true self. I ended up exactly as a PP described: perfectionist, crushed by fear of failure. Indeed I stopped achieving well at University due to this, and it backfired completely.

None of us kids are close to our Mum in adulthood. my siblings and I take care to do the opposite parenting. We love the kids we were given, instead of seeing them as clay to control and mould. We accept our kids as whole people needing to mature socially and emotionally instead of little exam droids there to make us look good.

That doesn’t mean I don’t expect my kids to do homework or try in tests. But instead of shutting them in their room to study with a heap of emotional blackmail I actually sit down and do work with them. Or create a space beside me at the table to concentrate .

Thats sounds really trying, I can imagine more and more women who are financially independent will opt out completely over time.

Could you explain why?

I have high expectations of behaviour and work ethic but nothing else. I don’t require the attainment aspect. Just the effort.

Again sounds like my ethos, I sit with mine and gently correct mistakes.

This is my mum! For decades she has mentored vulnerable kids- it’s not uncommon to be out with her and having a middle-aged person come over, clasp her hands and thank her for changing their life. She supported my 3 cousins when they went to boarding school - was the wise, kind and encouraging adult they could ring and tell about the problems they felt they couldn’t tell their own parents.

But me. OMG. Show a negative emotion or behave in an individual way or have an opinion outside the party line or do the slightest pushback on anything and all hell would reign down. She was an emotional support vacuum.

I can’t understand her.